The Devil is a Liar

The last couple of days it has been just the two younger girls and I, while the others are on the Mission Trip to Caye Caulker.  As I took the girls to eat, I felt people looked at me...a white woman with two hispanic girls.  In a few years, this will be my norm, though, as Tori leaves and goes to college like her brother.  But I also think how God knew I would not be ready for an empty nest so soon, so he just refilled it:)

Raising two girls who feel rejected by the woman who gave birth to them, there is so much healing needed.  I am thankful that the conversations come up and we are able to talk, though.  This morning, one shared of a dream, where she was being told she was not wanted once again.  It broke my heart and I asked for the Lord to give me the words to say.  I do believe that love covers a lot.  That is my thing lately.  That our love for these girls can help defeat the lies that the enemy tells them.  That I constantly can share of my love for them and that I would never not want them.  And that maybe more than them not being wanted that maybe their birthmoms simply could not take care of them.  I shared of my older sister being adopted as a tiny baby...how my parents so desperately wanted her...

Some days I feel overwhelmed at the task the Lord has given me.  But most days I feel overly blessed that He chose Lee and I.  That He knew we could be the ones to build and grow these girls.  That He could use us to heal the deep wounds of the past.  When I was at lunch yesterday with the girls, we just had so much fun.  We have played games and laughed and laughed the past couple of days.  I am thankful for these days.  I am thankful for the two precious jewels He has entrusted to our care.

How many kids do you have?

When did such a simple question become so confusing to answer?  How many kids are legally mine?  How many kids live in my house?  How many kids am I mothering right now?  How many kids did I carry in my body?  How many did I carry in my heart?

Yesterday we were at a memorial service for a missionary friend who passed away in April.  A final send off from his Belizean friends.  A woman who has worked with him on mission teams asked me this simple question and it threw me for a loop.  It was so weird.  I have three girls that I am raising right now, but my adult son is living in the states, oh, yeah and we have an intern living with us.  But I legally only have three children.  But in my heart, I am mothering, feeding, loving on five children...even though one of them my love is only through phone calls at the moment...

Then the whole profile picture thing on Facebook.  My cover photo is only of my three legal children.  I wish we would have been able to have Kailey to be a part of that photo shoot.  So, now if we take a picture, there are only the girls...and Josh is still so needing to be in that picture.  So, I will have to wait until next summer and hopefully will get a picture of all four of my children:)

Twenty-two years ago, I was an eighteen year old girl madly in love with an amazing man.  I never could have thought or foresaw that our life would be like this.  I actually always wanted a large family...but he only wanted two kids.  Yet, God did something in his heart...because he loves these others girls so much.  Yesterday at the memorial service, I got a little choked up as Erika came and sat on his lap.  She laid her head on his shoulder.  Erika is so blessed to have this daddy...  As all the kids are.  He loves them each so perfectly.

This is my blog...so I will brag.  I am so proud of Josh.  I love every time he calls or asks me to call.  I love hearing his voice and seeing him on Facetime...even if sometimes he is just playing a game while talking.  I love just being in contact with him.  I love that he wants to share everything that is going on with us.  I love that he is a good worker and takes his job seriously.  I love that he loves his church...and they have taken him under their wing.  Just like we prayed.  I miss him so deeply some times...  When I make a favorite food of his, or we do something as a family, these are the times his absence is most felt.  This is such a new phase for me.  But my home is still full, actually fuller than it was.  And he is doing great.

And then I have this amazing girl, who is soon to be 16, and now the oldest kid at home.  I know she misses her older brother.  I know this is a time of major adjustment as she goes back to sharing a room.  But I also know her very life, her very love ministers to her newest sister.  I know that God will use her to bring healing where it is needed.  I love that even at this age, just like me at that same age, she is at a place of seeking God on her own...not through her parents.  Learning to turn to Him...sometimes in desperation...but that is the best...that God solve her problems, not mom.  I love her heart...that she loves deeply.  Loss is so hard for her...yet, that is what makes her Tori.  We watched the old home videos and her big brother was everything to her, right from being a baby.  But her little sensitive heart was there...even then.  I am so thankful for this very special girl.

And then we had this huge age gap when God finally answered my prayers for a third child.  And that third child is a fireball.  I can't wait to see how Jesus will use her.  Even already.  Sometimes I am so overwhelmed with parenting this strong willed little person.  But then another adult will tell me what an amazing girl she is.  A friend with the same age child told me yesterday how impressed she was with Erika.  Erika walked up, greeted her and hugged her.  She said her children would never be that comfortable to do that with an adult...  And this is so true.  Erika is this confident, little person (who is very insulted if you say she is little.)  Everyone loves her.  And she is well behaved when it counts (usually).  And the Lord gave us Erika so we could guide her and foster all the talents she has.  And she brings so much joy.  Even waking her up...she is usually so loving and happy it is a new day full of promise.  And she is an extremely bright child.  I am so thankful we are able to homeschool her, so she can soar...

We thought we were done with Erika, but God was not done forming our family.  And He did the most perfect thing.  He gave us a girl that fits perfectly between Erika and Tori.  She plays with and loves both of her sisters (and Josh).  Erika loves to have a hispanic sister who is also adopted.  They can relate in some very special ways that are just for them.  Kailey is the most loving, affectionate, sensitive girl.  At first, she reserved her hugs for the girls, but now, as she gotten more comfortable, she waits for me, coming and going, to hug me.  Sometimes, she just walks by to let me know she is there and that she loves me.  Sometimes I feel so honored and overwhelmed at the same time that Jesus would choose our family for Kailey.  Its such a heavy responsibility and so different to receive her as a teenager, mostly grown.  But it also has been so neat to watch how love truly covers so much.  We tell her often, but I truly believes she knows...God has put such a deep love for this girl in all of our  hearts.  We didn't choose her...God chose her for us.  And it is such a perfect fit.

I am sooo blessed....