My life right now

The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord, And He delights in his way.  Psalm 37:23

Lately I feel as if I have the craziest life.  I know I don't.  I know God directs our steps. I know He paved the way for many of the things that happen and we are just to walk it out by faith.

Every nook and cranny of my home is filled.  We have seven people living in our four bedroom home. True, we probably have more square footage than most Belizeans.  But we all stay home all day doing school and work.  Sometimes I feel like the walls are caving in.  But they aren't.

Our newest nine year old uses my desk in my room for her schoolwork.  It works best because she is not distracted there.  But it means I am typing this blog now before I wake her up.  Sometimes I am a referee, just trying to keep Erika in her own room doing her schoolwork.  Helping the four girls with different work from different subjects from different grades can at times be overwhelming.  

Team that up with cooking two hot meals a day, doing seven peoples' laundry, and trying to run a vacuum because Net is tonight.

Every Wednesday, I teach a Bible Study at the local Crisis Pregnancy Help Center.  This requires preparation, typing out and copying the lesson, and time away from working with my girls.  Every week, I want to quit.  I usually only have 1-3 women show up.  The numbers are small.  Yesterday, I decided to take Erika with me, as she tends to not stay in her room when I am gone.  It was pouring rain.  Since all of my ladies walk, I really thought noone would be there.  Erika said, "Let's not go...noone will come."  But I said, "I have a committment, we must be there just in case."  I also really thought I was wasting my time.  But as I drove around the corner, one of my youngest girls was there, with a trash bag wrapped around her baby.  She had gotten a ride and was waiting for me.  I did the Bible study one-on-one with her and then took her home.  And I decided not to quit:)

Last Sunday night, we baptized our newest nine year old, along with 6 others.  This little girl wants to grow up and lead worship or be a pastor.  I believe she could do these things.  The enemy does not want her in our home.  Please pray for us.  For her.  It is real easy to hear of orphans, children in foster care and children's homes, and just move on.  It changes when they come to your church, and you know their stories and God won't let you get them off your mind.  I never thought we would adopt three children.  I knew we would adopt Erika.  She was my dream.  But these other two girls have become God's dream for our family.  Wherever I go, I have four beautiful, different looking, different race than me girls.  And they are all so beautiful.  So people sometimes stare.  Kailey once told me, she just smiles back, because she is so happy to be in our family:)  I truly believe God makes families.  Because although life is sometimes crazy, our family is beautiful.  Yesterday, I asked the two youngest girls to draw something fun they wanted.  Larisha drew our whole family in New York City.  Her dream to go to America is huge.  Erika drew a Christmas tree with all of us around it.  Her dream will come true (and mine too) because Josh will be here for Christmas this year.  I need no gifts because I will have all my children together.

Moving on, Lee is a busy man.  Three mornings a week, he is up early.  One day he meets with the city council and prays (the girls like this because he brings home fresh baked goods...that one of the men brings..from the meeting for them).  Two other mornings, he personally mentors two men in the church.  This morning, as I was getting the coffee going, the mayor walked in our gate.  This was powerful to me for two reasons.  First, Lee is mentoring the man who one day may be the prime minister.  He is a good man.  The other reason it was powerful to me is...he is such a humble man.  He brought in our empty trash can.  I don't know why...but it just struck me of his character. 

 On another note, last Sunday night, our School of Ministry...the seven that made it all the way through...gave their final sermons.  I asked Lee if I could go.  I am so glad I did.  I sat in awe, as almost all of them have been with us since we very first started LifeNet.  And they are true leaders.  The cream of the crop.  I wanted to cry tears of joy, as the Lord whispered in my ear...See...this is why I sent you and Lee to Belize.  I think sometimes God knows we just need to be reminded.

There are so many more things I would love to share.  But I have four girls who are not getting out of bed:)  Tomorrow I will throw my last birthday party for Tori.  Her and Kailey's birthdays are exactly two weeks apart, so we are having a joint slumber party.  It will be a blast.  They will be tired and grumpy the next day.  But this is part of the fun of being a mom.  Celebrating the lives of our precious children.  So we have rolled and frozen the meatballs, made props for our photo booth, bought the nail polish and face masks.  All the things these beautiful girls want to do.  One funny story is that when you have an artistic child, and you are making props, she sits down beside you and takes over!!!  Her art teacher contacted me and Tori will be displaying some of her art in a booth at an art show in a couple of weeks.  What an honor.

alright...time to get the day going...

My birthday, air conditioning, and things kids say

This weekend was my birthday.   Lee and I never really celebrated our anniversary this year.   Erika got hurt, a hurricane came and we had several teams back to back.   So for my birthday, we got away.

I cook a lot here in Belize.   For my birthday, I got a couple days off.   Between a birthday party and net group party and my birthday, I didn't cook all weekend.   It was glorious.

I sweat ALOT here in Belize.    Like basically all day until I shower and go to bed.   Friday and Saturday, I go to enjoy AC.   Where we were staying was beautiful, but honestly, we just wanted to relax, watch TV and not be hot.  It's the best gift I could have gotten.   When we came home Saturday afternoon, I immediately had to change back into my nonAC wardrobe.

Saturday night, a friend and church member had a huge birthday for her 30th birthday.   We enjoyed a fancy dinner with many friends from the church.   It was a dressy event and kind of a fun way to spend my birthday evening.

That night we came home, all tired from the busyness of life.   But before the girls were put to bed, they all spoke beautiful things to me.   There were a lot of tears.  But there was also this feeling of "we are doing ok."   Sometimes (the week leading up to my birthday), I get really overwhelmed.   All these kids, all this preparation of food and cleaning of clothes, and schooling of children, while trying to minister to ladies in the church and do a bible study... Sometimes I just wonder if any good is coming from my efforts?    But I had four girls express their love for me.   Tell me I'm their best friend.  Thank me for being obedient to take them in as daughters.  Tell me they see my sacrifice.   Thank me for taking care of them.  Telling me they like my cooking:).  There were laughs and there were tears, but I went to bed with a full heart.   This kids are my first ministry.   God can use me to show them so many truths.   Just by consistently loving them.  Lee also shared sweet things:)

So I've made it through one more year.  Thankful especially for my health.  A year ago was not my favorite time.   I remember in the healing time after my surgery, the Lord telling me He was preparing me for new things.   Never would I have known that it would be a very full of life 9 year old girl.  A girl who is full of joy, but who desperately needs the stability of a forever home.   The Lord is teaching me so much through this child.   That being loved is so important.  That being stable is so important.  And to try to learn to be a little more patient:)

So my life is full, busy, and exhausting!    But it's a wonderful life!

Married Life on the Mission Field

In the states, you always hear about how important it is to date your spouse.   I feel like it is so much harder, but so much more needed here.   There are less date opportunities and it's hard to find time.  

Today, after Lee's dental appointment, we will have a date.   I'm excited.   We are eating somewhere we have always heard about but never gone.  And with our growing family, not somewhere to take the whole crew.  

It was Tori who encouraged this date.   She said, "Go to the city with Dad.  I'll watch the girls."

It's hard for me to leave Erika.   Every day I think of her accident.  In fact, last night we were at the civic center, where it happened.   We went to the bathroom where they desperately tried to stop the bleeding.  I just have to release Erika and put her in God's hands but it's so hard for me.   Worrying something else might happen.  

So, today, I will focus on my marriage.  We get the long drive here and back with no kids.  Free to talk.   Of course, we will still talk about the kids☺️. But we won't be interrupted or have to be careful what we say.   We can share our hearts with each other.   And enjoy that the Lord has given us this time.   

Last night, we came together with all the churches for the National Day of Prayer.   It was the best one since we've been here.  It wasn't as hot as normal....but we did still sweat.   The worship was great.  One thing broke my heart, though, when they prayed for marriages.   The pastor's wife asked everyone who was with their spouse to stand and hold hands as they prayed for marriages.  What made me sad was how few couples stood in such a large room full of people.  Some were separated because a spouse was on stage...but still.  One of the things that God told me before we came here is that he was sending Lee and I to show what a healthy family could be.   I know and pray that we will continue to stand in that.  The enemy is definitely against our marriages and families and last night was a very visual reminder of that.  

When I think over the past five and half years here in Belize, it has been the hardest time for our marriage, but also the deepest, most amazing place our marriage has ever been.  And a reminder of how blessed I am that the Lord chose my husband for me.  

Begging

I'm sitting in Belize city at the dentist waiting for Lee as he gets work done.  

I'm asked for money most days in Belmopan, but it is definitely more here in the city.  Last week when we came, Kailey and i were out front just a short time on the street and asked several times.  Now, as I sit and wait, a boy of about twelve, that actually looks well cared for, just came and asked the receptionist and then turned and begged me for money.   He says he's hungry.  I asked why he's not in school.  He said no school today because the teachers are on strike.  I could have given him a dollar or two.  Made myself feel better.   And taught him that begging is the way to go.   

Foreigners are known for coming here and giving so much stuff.   So much money.   Don't get me wrong.  There is much need here.   But the money should be invested in education and things that better a person.   Not just feed them for today.   Because tomorrow they will be hungry again.  

So often when I'm asked for money, I want to explain.  That I actually am very generous.   Very giving.   But it is based on relationship.   I care for three girls that I didn't give birth to.   I invest in them.  For them to have an education and better future.   And for them to have a family.   I give sacrificially of my time to so many things that I can't explain to someone I just pass on the street.   But God knows.  And I believe we need to be careful where we sow.   That we are not just sowing into something that will never grow.  

Living in a country surrounded by so much need, I don't want to become callous.   But also living in this country, I see how much harm is also caused by just giving for the day and not helping them plan for a future.   

Fostering, Adopting, and all the Dynamics of Family

One of the quotes that I see often on Facebook is that...everyone has an opinion about Foster Care, but few actually step out and do it.

My intention years ago, was to adopt one child.  My family was full.   But apparently the Lord did not agree.  I remember one Mother's Day before I moved here to Belize, we had a few extra kids with us (who had parents...but were out of town or something).  We went to Los Cucos in Old Katy.  I remember looking around at all the kids...the full table.  And the Lord very clearly told me that I would always have a full table in Belize, as well.  And it has been true.  At the moment, we have seven at every meal.  I am learning pasta is my friend.  And rice and potatoes.  Because they stretch a little more.  Food is expensive here.  But God always helps me stretch it.  And no one is going hungry:)

The dynamics in my home are at best, interesting...and crazy.  We have lots of girls.  We have lots of big personalities.  We have lots of laughing.  But we also get lots of hurt feelings.  On most days, I feel I am a referee.  

But lately, I also see that in spite of all of that...our home is also a place of healing.  Healing is slow.  You don't see it immediately.  Sometimes you wonder if it is even happening.  And then one day, all of a sudden, you see it.

Erika's fingers have been that way.  At times, I have worried...are they healing okay?  Is this how they should look?  And then all of a sudden, they look so great.  We realize how far they have come in seven weeks.  This week, we sent several pictures to her surgeon and he was so encouraging and happy with how they have healed.  Which of course, encouraged me so much.

Emotional healing is so much the same way.  And then someone from the outside tells you what they see.  How they see that God has done so much in a person's life.  And then all of the sudden, you are encouraged.  To keep going...

We live our journey of fostering and adopting so publicly.  We are pastors.  If our children have a bad day (especially on Sunday), we feel judged.  We feel people are watching...trying to see "how it's going".  Yet, with our birth children, there is not that same pressure.  We like when people think we are doing a good job.  But when they say something negative about our child or our decisions on parenting, it hurts even deeper.  Because we are doing our best.  We are seeking God at every moment in this journey.  Asking Him to guide us, give us wisdom.  And also finding that He is there, helping us.  Helping me to see when one girl needs a little more of my attention.  Or where there needs to be grace instead of discipline.  Or vice versa.

Next Friday, I am excited that one of my fellow foster moms is starting a monthly gathering of our families.  Our families that look a little different.   Our families that have birth children, adopted children and foster children.  And we will all get to be with other families just like us.  Who understand the dynamics of our family.  All of my girls are so excited.  Because they, because of our family, have a heart for fostering and adopting, too.  And can't wait to hang out with everyone.

Friendship on the Mission Field

This morning, I am preparing my Bible Lesson for Hope for Life next Wednesday.  I am going through a study on being a godly mother.  It has really been good...even for me.

Next week, I will teach on the importance of godly friends.  How having friends in the same boat with you is so helpful.  I am curious how it will go.  Do these women have godly friends who are encouraging them?  Or am I that for them?  Am I the only one who encourages them and lifts them up during the week?

Then I thought alot about my journey in friendships here over the past almost six years.  I have made friends...they have moved away.  I relate mostly to other missionaries, but they are so busy.  But the Belizean friends I have are so busy, too.  Most of them work full time outside of the home.  And I am busy too...all the time.  But I love the moments I do get.  To grab coffee or a coke with a friend.  We typically try to find somewhere there is AC.  And then I have so many friends still back home.  Twice, this past year I have had to fly home for surgery for myself and then Erika.  And twice, my friends back home have welcomed me and loved on me.  I have been blessed both times to get times to just sit and catch up.

Our friendships are so important.  Lee is my best friend....but I need friends who are women, as well.  I am so thankful, that even though people come and go, the Lord always seems to bring me good friends.  I have learned as I have gotten older that sometimes our friendships have seasons.  That our lives change directions, and so do our friendships.  Sometimes our friendships change.  Sometimes we realize that a friend is no longer healthy for us.  Sometimes things change, yet we choose to fight for that friendship.  I recently went through something so hard.  Having to stand up for something that we strongly believe in...but needing to separate the friendship from that stand.  It was hard for me to walk through.  It was scary.  How would it work?  But it did.  And God helped the other woman and I to walk through it bravely together and walk away still being friends....

If you have a friend, make time to spend together.  The different seasons in our lives can sometimes make it more challenging, but it is always worth it and refreshing to have a friend:)

Homeschooling on the Mission Field

I love seeing all the pictures of everyone getting ready and sending their kids back to school.  And sometimes I'm a little jealous.  I miss sending my kids to school each morning.  And then having a quiet house:/

Yesterday was back to school Sunday at LifeNet.  We are about a month into school.  Someone asked me how the homeschooling is going.  In my  head, I pictured Jack Black from "Nacho Libre".  I thought, "It's FANTASTIC...I get to wake up every single morning, with the pressure of cooking, cleaning and laundry for seven people...and then answer a million questions throughout the day.  I never really get time to myself...that is, until I fall into bed at night completely exhausted."  But yeah, homeschooling is going well.  Of course, often I wish my kids went to school like everybody else.  I wish I had more support here in Belize.  I wish there were more things that my girls could be involved in...that were safe spiritually and physically.   Just so we could all have more breaks from each other.  The house can get really small.  Everyone working and schooling and mom trying to run a house.

BUT THEN, as I walked with my eldest girl this morning, I realized what a privilege it has truly been to get to homeschool her for the last seven years of her education.  How homeschooling her, has definitely been the right choice.  In fact, even though some days are long and hard and frustrating...I feel it has been the right decision for all of my children.  It has definitely been a place of health and bonding as we have added more girls to the family.  Rather than sending them away all day and them coming home and doing homework, they do school...and are finished.  So we can spend our evenings together.  Whatever that may be.  Right now, we have been working on a puzzle.  But often, it is family games or going out for ice cream.  Swimming when Erika is healed.  And I get to be present for all of it.  I don't have to sign up for room mom for everyone else's kids.  (Although I think that is so important for us as moms to do.)  I get to pour into my own kids.

So, as I tried to mop this morning, and do laundry, and keep kids in their rooms (especially the resident 9 year olds), and tried to grade work and answer questions, I know the Lord wants to remind me how blessed I am...to be entrusted with so many amazing kids.

"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:", Ecclesiastes 3:1

Being a Mother to the Broken

Sometimes you look at your life and think...wow, this is wasn't what I was thinking my life would look like.  Sometimes I feel like I don't have the time or energy for things that used to be important to me.  My life is sometimes consumed just keeping my family fed and clothed and educated.  Sometimes I feel I have nothing left to give.  But then sometimes, God gives me little rewards along the way...that make it all worth it.

The other day, one of my children told me that she never would have dreamed that she would have the life she has now.  That she never would have dreamed to have the family that she has.  And that...makes it all worth it.  Every fight I have had on my knees, with the system, and even with adjustments that have come along the journey.

Mothering the broken means teaching basic life skills, order to living in a home.  Sometimes it is exhausting, costly, messy.  But out of that messiness emerges health, a feeling of being nurtured, cared for.  Mothering the broken sometimes means even teaching the roles of mom, dad, siblings, because the roles were not healthy and have to be relearned.  Correction can bring fear, because in the past, it was a scary thing.  But an opportunity to teach healthy correction and discipline.  That rules are made to protect them.  Just as the rules that God gives us in His word are also for our protection.  That God corrects us because He loves us, and so that we can grow.

Last week, in the midst of coming home on Tuesday, starting school on Wednesday with FOUR girls, trying to catch up on groceries and cooking, laundry...just a lot of chaos...., Lee and I were interviewed on Adoption.  It was for a Christian radio station on San Pedro.  Clive is a great guy and the interview was really cool.  And maybe just a reminder to what we are doing.  Not just as a church, but as a family.  That even though sometimes it is hard, it is worth it.  That even though there are sacrifices along the way, it is worth it.  To save a life.  Not us, but Jesus using us.

When I was in the states with Erika, there were some reminders that she is adopted.  Filling out paperwork on family history that I don't know.  Checking her into the ER that we last used before she was adopted, under a different name.  But in my heart, Erika is not adopted.  When I was taking care of her, from the moment we picked her up from the Art Camp, and dealing with hospitals and doctors, she was  my baby, and I would do anything to fight for and protect her.  Yesterday, the girls wanted to watch Miracles from Heaven...which is my current favorite  movie.  But I could not watch it.  It is just too fresh.   No, Erika couldn't have died.  But what we went through.  The trauma.  It is and was just so much more intense living here with little medical care and dirt and I could go on and on.  Yes, I was blessed that I could leave and get help in the states.  But I had to leave my home, my other children.  And bringing her home is hard too.  Pray for me as I try to trust again.  It is so hard for me to even let Erika go to children's church.  It will be harder eventually to leave her somewhere.  This could have happened with me.  In fact, she has gotten stitches twice while I was in the same house.  So pray for me.  To put her in God's hands and trust.  It is a journey I am definitely on...

But one thing that is in my heart...is that we will reap a good harvest if we sow in love.  The days are sometimes long.  I get tired.  I get overwhelmed.  I get frustrated.  But I wouldn't change it.

On People's Hearts

The Wednesday before we had to rush to the states for Erika, I taught a Bible Study at Hope for Life. It was based on Matthew 25:31-46.   How when we minister to others through clothing them, visiting them feeding them it is as if we are doing it into the Lord.  

37 “Then the righteous will answer Him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry and feed You, or thirsty and give You drink? 38 When did we see You a stranger and take Youin, or naked and clothe You? 39 Or when did we see You sick, or in prison, and come to You?’ 40 And the King will answer and say to them, ‘Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did it to one of the least of these My brethren, you did it to Me.’  Matthew 25:37-40

Little did I know that within a week, I would need people to minister to me in these ways.  

As meals began to come night after night, often with a visit from friends, and a prayer of encouragement and healing, I was just so overwhelmed.   About halfway through, the Lord began to remind me of the many meals I have also taken...to new moms, those who have lost a child or had sickness.   And He just loved on me saying, "Now it's your turn...and those serving you will also be blessed..."

One of the families who delivered a delicious meal in those early days said, "We are simply doing what you showed us..."   

We must live our lives beyond ourselves, beyond our own little families.  I have found in my life that the most generous people are often the most blessed.   We cannot out give the Lord.   

When I make a meal for someone in Belize, it is truly a sacrifice.  Because I am already cooking two full meals a day for a family of 7.  Groceries are expensive.   Cooking from scratch takes time.  But it is ok.  We always have enough.  God always provides.   And sometimes something like a meal and a visit is just what someone needs after going through something hard or traumatic.  

In this world of "taking care of ourselves," let us not forget that Jesus said to take care of others too.  

This morning, the nation that we serve in is waking up to devastation from a hurricane.  I am not there, but I know my family will be helping and serving.  We live in a solid home, but many do not.  Lee said the radio was full of people of calling for help.  Shelters are full.  So please pray for Belize.   And serve where He leads you.  

Waiting

I'm up early.   The house is super quiet.   Soon I will wake Erika and begin the long process of showering her and redressing her fingers.  It's the most un-fun part of our day and a reminder of why we are still here...waiting.  

I have a hard time sleeping.  I'm not sure why.  The bed is comfy.  The AC is nice.  I miss my hubby though.   I know it is also I am just anxious for home.  At home, I wake up and begin my day busy and stay busy and sweat a lot, so when evening comes, I'm exhausted and ready to sleep.  

This is more a time of rest for me.  I have cooked little.  Have very few chores.  The houses stay so clean in America.  I'm doing laundry for 2 instead of 7.  And we only use one outfit a day instead of changing because of being hot.  Erika and I take walks each evening. I love them.  We just talk and talk.  And then when we are so hot, we come inside to air conditioning. Ahhhh.  It's nice.  

I remember when I had my surgery in December, having many of the same feelings.  I love being here.  Love being with family and friends.  But this is not my home anymore.  I'm just a guest.  This is not my house.  I am borrowing cars, not my own.  I have one son and daughter here, but a husband and other daughters there.  So my heart is torn.  And I long to be in my own home again.  

This morning, a family is taking us to breakfast.  Erika is very social so these things are so good for her heart.  This afternoon, we will run some errands with Josh.  We have been so overwhelmed with love here.  People from all different churches feeding us, helping us financially, visiting us...just being Jesus' hands and feet.  Erika even received a care package from Josh's church in Waxahachie, complete with a blown up framed picture of when she was there in May. 

Please continue to pray for supernaturally quick healing of Erikas fingers.   Our prayer is that the doctor would remove the stitches on Monday and then we could fly home.  I am a little nervous taking her home...but also am so ready.  We have felt every prayer and are so thankful.  

Feeling Loved

Ten days ago, our lives were thrown a loop and into a spinning whirlwind.   I feel like this is the first time I can sit and share my thoughts.

Mondays are always super busy for me.   It's when I run my errands, do lots of laundry and just try to get things in order around the house.   Tori and I had woke up at 5:45 to walk the ring road and my day was non-stop after that.  In retrospect, I'm glad that Monday before I knew that I would be leaving was so productive.  It probably helped my family that I left behind...I had gotten the car inspected that morning while the girls were at cooking class and ran to a couple of stores and market. We went home and had a quick lunch.   Then the girls headed to art camp for the afternoon.   I had asked Kailey to go and sent her with a phone.   A simple decision that I'm so thankful for.

Tori and I spent the afternoon working on school supply gifts.  Something I always do before school starts each year.   I had just put everything up and covered with a towel on my desk and sat down to watch a movie with Tori.  Lee ran out of the room and said to "come on."  Kailey had called and Erika was hurt really bad.  It's amazing how fast things can change.   We were there in prob three minutes but it felt like eternity.   I'm glad Lee was driving.  They met us in the parking lot with Erika who was crying and holding a paper towel.   I looked as we raced to the backseat and saw mangled fingers and lots of blood.  It's so hard to be strong in that moment.  My baby.   Lee raced to the ER.  Probably another three minutes.   He dropped us at the ER and they had us in a bed immediately.  I couldn't breathe.  Just pray.   Pray like I've never prayed before.   I didn't care if I offended anyone.   I wanted God to guide these doctors.   It was painful.  They gave her a shot in her bottom.   But also in each tiny little finger.  Four of my baby's fingers.  Two were crushed and two were amputated above the knuckle.  Within moments, Lee and I knew I would need to bring her to the states.  I couldn't think or plan.  Only live in that moment.   Hold Erika.   Pray over her.  Trust God.

Looking back, the doctors and nurses in the ER were great.   They treated her quickly and calmly.  When we go back to Belize, Erika and I will go visit them and thank them.

My head swirled.   Throwing things in a suitcase.  How long would we be gone?    How would we handle it in the states?   I knew I'd have a support system when I got here.  But did not know exactly what the details would be.  Even now, I am truly living one day at a time.  That's about all I can handle.

That first night, we had four sets of visitors come to see Erika.  And you know what, she smiled through it all.

 The next morning, Lee and Tori took her back to the hospital to redress her wounds.  This poor girl has now had her wounds redressed so many times, we have lost count.   I am now the one doing it on a daily basis.  And it breaks my heart every single time.  Then the long ride to the airport.   She left the house in Belize at 6 am on Tuesday morning and we arrived at the ER in Katy about 6 pm that night.   With little snacky type meals along the way, but no real full meals.

Both sets of grandparents and Josh met us at the ER.  I was blessed to have a friend get us there from the airport.  I was tense, tired, and not liking having to wait.   I felt they weren't taking her injuries seriously:(.  But then, things finally got moving.  We started blood work and they got her a room.  Hooked her up to an IV.   But it was getting late.  And things still were slow.   Why weren't they helping my daughter??  I told our parents to go home.   That I would let them know.  Then they said they were sending us home.  Would give us somewhere to go tomorrow.   Mama got mad then.  I came to the states for help.  I did not want to take her home.   With these wounds.   Further risking exposure.  I sent out prayer requests and then a miracle happened.   A hand surgeon would come see her.  First thing.  In the hospital.   They would admit her.   Aaaahhhhh.  Relief.   I sent Josh home.  And about 1 in the morning, we were admitted to a room three doors down from where I was in December.   The nurse went and found food and juice and water for Erika and me.   We ate and I changed.   I was thankful I had packed my backpack to spend the night.  And then we slept.   Which is good because I did not sleep the night before.   I may have only slept 3 or 4 hours but it definitely helped me for the next day.   Wednesday.   My third very long day in a row.



This is where we really began to feel the love.   Someone set up a go fund me, people began to call and visit.   Meals were set up for our going home.  And best of all, the surgeon came.  A hand surgeon.   Who was confident he could help Erika.   The surgery was set for 5 pm and honestly the day flew by.  Someone brought me a chip so I'd have a flown.  Grandparents, Josh and Tyler came and visited.   Erika took over my facebook talking to people from everywhere.

That night, about midnight, we went home with my parents and I finally slept.  Erika slept too.  Actually a lot during all these days.  People began to bring meals daily.  Visits were often and so uplifting to Erika and me.  And even my parents.   We felt so overwhelmed with love.  The living room began to fill with flowers, balloons, candy, stuffed animals and even a cookie bouquet.  My heart was so overwhelmed.   After some of the hardest days I can remember in a long time, Gods people just wrapped their arms around us and loved us and prayed for us.

I think writing this blog was mostly for me.   To remember this time.   That even though it was a hard time, that God was always with us.  And that we have a family who loves us and takes care of us and friends who are truly there.

Pray for my family left behind in Belize.   Struggling with cooking and laundry and all the mom things I do...and homeschooling needing to start soon.  Please also pray for supernatural healing of Erika's fingers so we can go home soon.   I miss my husband and other girls.

Willing

There is excitement in the house.   Once again, we are opening our hearts and home to foster.   We will have her for the summer.   She is exactly 3 days younger than Erika.   Erika and I have cleaned and prepared her room for the past two days.  That is some sweaty work.  We ordered trundle beds from the Mennonites and should get them next week.  We have cleaned the closet and drawers so they can share.  We have dusted, straightened, mopped.   The room is almost ready.  

Each time, the Lord has brought a child into our lives, it has been very different.  This time, it has been the still small voice of the Holy Spirit whispering her name into our ears...daily.  It has been little things the girls have said.  About wanting another sibling.   It has been this little girl running up to us at church with the brightest smile you will ever see.   But it has most definitely been the Lord.  Even the song..."When Jesus says yes, nobody can say no..."

Adding another person to this already very full home is not something we take lightly.   But being obedient to the Lord is also more important than our comfort.   And there's always a little more stretch.   There's always a little extra we can give.   To change a person's life.  The girls are excited and willing to open their hearts and lives.   So it's a blessing to have everyone on board.  

Sometimes we forget our dreams as we grow up.   As I was spending time with the Lord, He reminded me that my best friend and I used to drive past the mansions in town and say when we grew up, we would take in lots of children who needed homes.   I don't have a mansion.   But I do have an amazing family.   And I'm excited to get to touch one more life.   

Please pray for our journey.  Pray for favor for us to get our citizenship soon.   And pray for this precious girl...that she would walk into our home and know just how loved she already is.  

I am preparing you for new things...

Last fall, when I had to make the decision to go to Texas for surgery...one of the things I felt the Lord kept telling me was to take care of myself.  At the time, that felt selfish.  My job is take care of my children, my husband, my church family.  But I kept feeling Him tell me it was okay.  Go home.  Rest.  Get well.  Get strong.   And I did.

When I first got to my parents' house, I slept A LOT.  I was weak physically.  I was so tired.  Looking back, I really do not know how I was doing it here in Belize at the end.  Well, yes I do.  I was barely making it.  I was taking 3 hour naps every afternoon.  It was such a crazy time for me.  We watched the VLOG today and Tori put on the trip we took to Chetumal in October.  I am thankful for that trip, but it was a hard trip for me.  I was in pain, uncomfortable.  Taking Advil like crazy just to cope.  But I am also thankful we had that time as a family before I left for 6 weeks.

Fast forward to my recovery after the surgery.  I followed the Doctor's orders to a T.  I knew I needed to fully heal.  Even during the time at my parents' home, I felt the Lord telling me He was doing a new work in me.  He was preparing me for new things.  That when I came back, I would not be the same, and that my life would be changing in some ways.

Here are the things that I have seen change so far...I am not afraid.  I am stepping out of my comfort zone.  I am not doing things I want to do just because it is expected.  I am listening and hearing God's voice more clearly than I ever have before. 

 My marriage is stronger, happier, more full of Joy than it has ever been.  This is not to say our marriage was bad.  It is just AMAZING now.  I so deeply appreciate Lee.  I am so honored by the way I watch him serve.  I love to hear him preach.  I love seeing how he fathers our children.  And we are just on the same page.  Our communication has gotten so much deeper.  I'm praying it only continues to get better.

I have spoken twice at the church.  But it is not just that.  It is that before, I have always felt so insecure.  And I just have really seen a change in myself.  I have confidence that if God tells me to do something, He will see it through.  He will be with me as I speak.  He will be with me as I minister.  I just have stopped second guessing everything and really started to trust God in such a deep, deep way.

Last Thursday was a crazy busy day for me (after a crazy busy Wednesday).  It was a day mixed with so many different emotions.  A lady that I met through Hope for Life finally had her baby early Wednesday morning.  She had a beautiful, healthy baby boy.  So I told her on Wednesday that I would take her home on Thursday.  It broke my heart because she was in the hospital alone.  Her husband was away trying to make some money for the family.  Her sister was watching the other three children at home.

It was crazy, me getting food ready for her...making sure everything was warm, because she would have no way to warm it at her house.  The older girls were babysitting, so Erika helped me at the hospital.  So different than the states in so many ways.  The ride home was hard on her, but she was grateful.  The roads are bumpy.  Each one she felt.  We got her home and the children were so happy to meet their new brother, see their mother.  So much love and Erika and I got to be a part of it.  We went inside and the kids told her the fridge broke while she was gone.  The electricity did not seem to be working either...and she was so hot.  I was dripping sweat like crazy myself.  I got her settled in a chair so her daughter and I could get the bed ready with a clean sheet.  The boy got the fan working.  YAY...  I came out and what do I see but Erika sitting in a little plastic chair grinning ear to ear as she gently held a two day old baby.  I asked her permission to take a picture.  Because I never want to forget this day.  I want to remember on the bad days why I'm here.   I am here to be Jesus' hands and feet when noone else is.  You see, this happens because I live here.  It has taken time, but this family loves us and trusts us.  Even in the most intimate of moments.  I have cried with this woman.  We come from two very different worlds, but yet the Lord has give me this deep, deep love for her.

Once we got her changed and settled in her bed.  After I gave clear instructions to the oldest girl (especially about mommy's need to rest).  After praying, hugging, loving on this family....we got to experience one tiny, but significant miracle.

As I saw her struggle in pain, I worried what would she do all alone...with four children, trying to recover from birth.  I prayed, "Lord, please let her husband come home".  The mother began to cry and said, "I just wish my husband was here"...and within a minute, the houseowner walked in with the phone and said "its your husband".  She began to weep as he told her he was on his way...God answers...

Their journey is not over.  This morning her husband had a pretty big seizure.  We picked him up from the hospital and took him home.  We saw the baby.  This family attends LifeNet.  We are helping where we can.  But sometimes problems are big and are many.  We do what we can, and pray a lot.

Sometimes my heart gets overwhelmed.  But I find that when I do things in my own strength I can't do it.  But I find when I truly rely on God, He gives me a strength and wisdom that I do not have on my own.

Sometimes He asks things that feel "hard"  or too much....but I'm learning that there is always a little more to give.  There is always a little more we can do.  But there is always a lot more My God can do!

Sifting

I felt led once again to start reading John Bevere's, "The Bait of Satan."    You know how it goes...you start reading and start thinking of all the people in your life who need to read this book.   But I told Lee I really want to hear what God is saying to Me, not others.  And then it all started to come clear.  

I was reminded of some of the trials we have walked through in the past several years.  And realizing how God has been sifting us.  One situation in particular where no man could help us or protect us.   We came to a point where our total reliance was truly on God.  He literally held our very lives in His hands.   And when I think back to that time...when we truly turned to each other and said all we have is God...it was enough.   That sifting.  Shaking of our faith made our faith so strong.  Our trust in Him grew so much deeper.  When we came to the point of realizing that if God wants us to do something, He will also protect us in that thing.   

Recently, after leaving to go to the states for surgery, may have seemed like an easy thing to others.   But to me, it was hard.  It was challenging not to physically have my husband by pmy side through most of it.  It was challenging and heartbreaking to walk away from my three girls and husband at the airport.  What must the workers have thought checking me through security as tears dripped down my face?  But during that time, God did some new things in me.  He showed me things.  While my parents cared for me, it was the longest period I have had with them since I married.  It was also the most uninterrupted time I had with the Lord since, well, ever.   God sifted me.  He spoke to me.  Since then, I have spoken twice before our congregation.  Only those who truly know me understand what God has done in me for this to happen.  

God expects obedience.  Obedience is not always easy.  In fact, sometimes it will take all you've got.   It will cost you more than you think you can afford.   But the reward of your obedience is great.  God speaks to us and uses others, His word, circumstances to confirm.   Sometimes it's easy and clear.  Sometimes it's His still small voice.  

What sifting is God doing in you right now?

We are so Blessed

Yesterday, we ate our last Chick fil a for a year.  Enjoyed the last of living in AC for a while (except for our church services on Sunday morning).  We said goodbye again.  To our "other" life.

Last night, we were greeted to high heat and humidity.  I was greeted to a dead tarantula on my bedroom floor.  Fun.  But I also came home.  I enjoyed so much being in my own house last night.  Sleeping in my own bed.  Today, I enjoyed getting my kitchen back in order.  Cooking that first meal.

We had no food in the house, so Kailey and I got up early and hit the Veggie Market, Grocery Store and Poultry Store.  And we were hot and tired as we unloaded and put things away.  But one thing that struck me is that she and I were thankful that we were able to buy groceries.  I thought of the people who support us, help us live here.  Wayne and Jodie for hosting our big family for the past month.  For everyone who fed us while we were in Texas.  We are so greatly blessed.  And as I drove around the streets of this very different world, I realized how blessed we are that we got to have a month enjoying Texas.  And how blessed we are that we can buy groceries...as simple as that is.

Belmopan is small, so we ran into and saw different people as we ran our errands this morning.  I am excited to return to my Net Group tonight.  God has us here and He shows us in the little ways.

We are so blessed...

Coming to Texas

Sometimes it can be hard to hear from God during this time we have in the states.   Usually we go to Convention.   I definitely feel a loss in my spirit in missing it this year.  Just because we are usually receiving ministry that our family definitely needs during this time we are home.  In the busyness of going place to place, endless to-do lists, and just being off schedule in every way, I have to really purpose in my heart to seek after Him.  

But where I have felt God is through the love of churches and fellow pastors who have welcomed us.  Loved us.  Just talked to us.  Also from our families.   We are so incredibly blessed to have family who love the Lord.   They miss us just like we miss them, but they also see that God sent us to Belize.   My brother and sister in law have thoroughly spoiled us.  My two eldest kids shared with me separately that they never feel like a burden.  That they always feel loved.  That blessed me.  

I sit on the edge of returning to Belize.  I'm anxious to get home, but don't want to leave.  It's always such a division in my heart.  It's hard to live in two worlds.  I haven't been here long enough.  Had enough time with people here.  Yet, I've been gone too long from people I love in Belize.  

Life here in the states is easier in so many ways.   Yet, in the midst of relaxing, we are always busy fundraising so it is not always a true rest.  And everything is off schedule and different.   That is hard for me as I'm a real scheduled person.  I think it's hardest on Erika too.  

So I feel ready to get home, sleep in my own bed, not have allergies, cook my own food...yet, I dread the weighing of the suitcases, the heat that awaits us, the bumpy roads...

I've heard it said before, but a missionary never feels truly at home again.  Home is not totally home ever again, because mission life changes you.  It's hard for me to spend money in some ways when I know so many who go without.  When I know how far that it could go somewhere else.   Yet, sometimes it's nice to get some new clothes, makeup, a purse.  

It definitely has been a month of refreshing, enjoying cooler weather, missed foods, catching up with family.   Lord, prepare my heart as we head home to get busy...continuing to pour into others, continuing to raise up spiritual sons and daughters.   

We have enjoyed being with our son.  His heart is good.  Today, Erika hit her head coming down the slide and he quickly was next to her, checking on her.  He teases his sisters, but that's his way of showing them he loves them.  We are proud of him being independent, responsible.   It's probably not easy for him to have parents so far away.  We are thankful for family that checks in on him and cares for him.   

We have one more Sunday that is full, a waterpark on Monday, then final preparation before heading home.   I'm ready, but torn.  

We have listened to the song, "Take me to Texas", several times on this trip.   We know the Lord has us in Belize but this song brings tears to my eyes because my heart is also in Texas.   So many people I love are here too.   Yet, I also love so many people in Belize.   This is what happens when you serve away from your home❤️

I have a 20 year old

The years have flown by fast.  It is honestly so hard to believe we have a 20 year old.  I look at pics of Lee and I, and realize, yes, we are getting older.  But still feel young inside:)

I remember all I ever wanted to do was to be a mom.  Sometimes I get tired and want a break, but my children are a blessing.  I miss Josh today.  Wish I could make him a cake.  But I sent him gifts instead.  I am thankful for the internet.  I will see him soon and I'm thankful he will be with family for his birthday this weekend.

Josh, if you ever read this blog...I am so proud of you.  You have brought joy into my life from the day I found out I was pregnant.  You make me laugh like no one else.  But you have always treated me good.  It meant so much for you to help me fly home in December.  It was a role reversal because I really needed you.  I appreciate how you love your sisters.  That you call on their birthdays.  It is the highlight for them that you remember.  You are a blessing to all who know you.  You are a good friend.  Hard worker.

Praying your birthday is special in little ways.

Love,

Mom

Holidays away from Home

One of the hardest parts of being on the mission field is being away from family on the holidays.  I don't think I'll ever get used to it.  But also, seeing everyone else with their families...and people in your church are all getting together with their families...or that is just how it feels.

But then, you pull yourself together...and thank the Lord that you have children and a husband, and try to make it special with just you:)  This year, we last minute invited a girl and her baby that I minister to.  And it was great.  There were lots of selfies, lots of joy being with our church family, and we enjoyed a yummy lunch.  I even learned how to make rolls from scratch.  This was such an accomplishment for me and everyone enjoyed.

Baby girl slept all through lunch and for two hours more.  Her mom said our house is cooler...and it was hot yesterday.  Easter service probably wore her out.  And it was nice for me to see her mom be able to relax a little.    She works hard almost every day and was so excited to get Easter day off.  We just had missionary friends come and give her so many clothes...including this precious dress.

This year, all the girls decided to wear dresses.  Everyone looked so beautiful.  My heart is always a little sad not to have Josh here, but I know he is in a good place.

These beautiful girls.  It is amazing how much they even are starting to look alike.  They are each so different, yet when it comes down to it, I love to see them love each other.  I look forward to our time in the states and just getting to hang out with them.

Overall, Easter was great.  I have a lot of feelings right now, sending Tori to Turkey.  I just want to enjoy every moment until she leaves.  And then cover her in prayer the whole time she is there.  It is the scariest thing I have done so far as a mother.  Even now, she is in the room, making preparations, packing.  I know she will do great.  It will be life changing for her.  I'm proud of her boldness and bravery.  But she is still my baby girl.  This is her and I Thursday night before Net.  She is a beautiful girl.  Inside and Out.

Who are you pouring into?

I have two different women that I am pouring into on a regular basis right now.  They are alike in some ways, but very different as well.  In both of these women, I see Jesus changing them...bringing joy into their lives...giving them purpose.  Both of these women have a baby girl...exactly one month apart.  Both of these women are hispanic and speak both Spanish and English.  Both of these women desperately needed a Savoir and are running after Him with hunger.

That is where the similarities end.  One of these women is educated, the other is not.  One is older, maturer, with her first child.  One of these women has finances, the other does not.  Their worlds are very different.  My ministry to them is the same though.  I love them both deeply.  I am blessed when those baby girls light up when they see me.  Because their moms are loved by me, those babies feel it.  Their mamas are growing in the Lord...creating a better future for these little ones.

It is worth it.  It is always worth it when you invest in a life.  I am not talking about financially.  I am talking about your time.  I am busy.  I do not need to do this.  But meeting with these women.  Praying with them.  Encouraging them.  Helping them in this walk of life.   It's worth it.  I remember having a baby.  I remember the joy mixed with exhaustion.  I was blessed because I had a good husband, but yet there were still struggles.  I needed encouragement too.  I believe that my investment in these ladies will have eternal impact...that will go to the next generation.  Break cycles in their lives that they will not pass down.  

Both of these women recently attended our Life Advance.  Jesus met with these women.  He showed up.  I am just the vessel He uses to the do the work in them.  I am just the hug and attention from Jesus that he sends.  I am thankful that He trusts me.  I am expectant to see how God will use these women to impact the world around them.  They are both surrounded by unbelievers.  One of them told me the saddest thing at the Life Advance for her was when she had to list the Believers in her family.  Only her husband and one aunt.  I told her What an Oppurtunity.  She is surrounded by the Harvest.

We covet your prayers.  As the Lord is still working mightily, spiritual attacks are real.  Remember us in your prayer time.  I strongly believe in the power of prayer and we feel your prayers.

I have another young lady that I am pouring into.  She is my daughter.  God rescued her from a life that was not safe or healthy.  He is restoring and has restored her.  She is truly not the same person she used to be because of Jesus and the love of a healthy family.  Please pray for our adoption process.  We have hit roadblocks, yet know God is in this.  Adoption is powerful.  We do not want to just "raise" this girl.  We want her to be a Brockinton.  So please pray for us, cover this process.  We need favor, exceptions to the rules.  And we know the Lord walks before us.