The Reality of my Life right now

Good Morning.

Today, I woke up and picked my clothes out of my suitcase for the day...I miss dresser drawers.

I went and prepared what we should have for dinner...getting spices out of the box in the storage room.  It is getting empty and I am not refilling it.  I only buy for specific meals now, no extras, as we prepare to move.

I took a long, hot shower this morning, because the kids and my in-laws have left and I didn't have to save them water:)

I made a mental to-do list as we prepare to go to Katy tomorrow for various errands.  What needs to go to storage, winter clothes I need to go through to drop off at KCM, a bag of Christmas stuff that needs to be returned.

I have lots of laundry to do, but that will have to wait.  We are living in the country and the Sun Pump went out.  My mother in law has lots of laundry to do too.  This is part of living with people, but I don't mind.  I am just thankful to do laundry in  our own home and not have to go to the laundromat.

The reality of this coming month lays heavy on my heart.  There are so many things to do as we prepare.  I mean, we have been preparing, for so long.  Yet, there are so many things we couldn't do until now.  Like we had to wait for Christmas gifts to pack, and wear winter clothes, a little, before getting rid of them.  Tomorrow is filled with fun things like movies with cousins and bowling at night, and not so fun things like haircuts and eyeglass exams.  But all is important.  To spend those last moments with family and friends, but to get all the business done as well.

Just went through the remainder of our winter gear...pulled out just enough gloves, a hat for Erika, and getting rid of the rest.  We need them for one last trip...to Abilene.  Because it may be cold.  Getting rid of my thick sweaters, thick PJs.  Things I just won't need in Belize.  Always downsizing.  Always trying to have less because less means less to carry around, less to worry about, less to move from here to there.  Yet, it still seems like so much.  I do think, where will we put all of this when we get there?  But we can give it away if needed, there.

Yesterday, I was putting away Erika's things for preschool, here in her box all about her life.  Erika and I went through her box, the stockings from that first Christmas she lay in a hospital unit and had surgery, the photo albums of her life before us (she asked where josh and tori were), then the scrapbook that Tori and I lovingly made of Erikas first year with us.  The things she has made in preschool.  So many happy memories and a reminder of what a miracle it is that we get to be her parents.  That we got her.  That God put her somewhere safe until we could get her.  Erika is a strong girl that takes a lot of my energy, so sometimes it good to be reminded of all that we did to get her...and how I would do it again.  All the sleepness nights of wondering, all the waiting for that phone call, or that paper to go through.  Having her come for the weekend and my heart being torn out of my chest as I had to take her back to her first home.  But all those days are behind us now.  Erika is our child, our blessing...forever.

We had the most wonderful friends come and visit us from California.  My in-laws were gracious to allow them to stay here at the house.  I felt if they were in a hotel, it would shorten our time, and I wanted every second with them.  And isn't it amazing how God just lets you pick up where you left off?  Facebook doesn't hurt.  I was worried Erika may be shy towards them because it has been 18 months since she saw them and that is a long time in her life.  And my friend has lost a tremendous amount of weight, so looks very different.  But she is the same on the inside.  Erika was in their laps, using their iphones to make movies, and even learned my friends' password.  Only Erika.  It was awesome to reminisce with them.  They remembered when Tori was in Kindergarten.  Hard to believe.  It was the topper for my Christmas.  We had a great time traveling to Dallas to see my side of the family as well.  It seems like we had several non-stop days, but today I rest, and do things around the house, as I prepare for another busy weekend.

Josh was ready to eat:)

Our babies aren't babies anymore...

One of our favorite families in the world....we are two peas in a pod

Christmas Eve is here

So, it is Christmas Eve.  We just ate a lunch of Bagel Bites and Oranges and Dr. Pepper.  That is a good Brockinton meal:)  I sat looking across the table, at my last kid to finish eating...
'just one more bite if you want a Christmas cookie'...  I see a beautiful little girl.  She is not a baby anymore.  She is gorgeous.  I have noticed it lately.  I remember back to a time when I was a teen shopping at a mall.  I always thought the little hispanic baby girls were so cute.  I thought I would love to have a little girl like that.  Well, I married an anglo and had two beautiful anglo children.  But God still gave me that gift.  Because I also have a beautiful hispanic daughter.  And she is just as much my daughter as Tori is.  I am thankful this Christmas Eve for my family.  My husband, my children, my extended family.  Family that has embraced us and supported us through this crazy journey to the mission field.  They are amazing.  They have extra dishes used, more utilities and lots more garbage because of taking us in.  But they do not complain.  Their homes are louder, busier, crazier, but they are just thankful to have this time with us.  And us with them.

Moving here is one step closer to the mission field.  Life on this side of Houston is different than the side we came from.  Life is different here in so many ways.  It is peaceful here.  My kids love playing outside.  Tori is taking piano lessons.  I am so proud of her.  She will do well.  Hopefully it is something we can continue in Belize.

A very special friend and her family come in 4 days.  I am so excited.  I actually saw them in March when we did our missions training, but we did not have our kids.  Kids change a lot in 18 months.  I can't wait to have them here...to laugh...to cry, whatever.  Just to enjoy good friends.  People have become more important to me in this transition.  I don't have a house to keep up with, things to buy for that house.  Life is simpler.  Of course it is temporary.  But it gives me time with people.  Its really cool.  Everyone should go through this.  You see things differently.  I pray what I see, I don't forget.  That I don't get too busy again.  That I am able to change my style of ministry...to see the people, not the things that need to get done.  I want to change from the Martha to the Mary.  Where I take that time to sit at Jesus' feet.  Somehow I lost that along the way of being a crazy busy pastor's wife..and missing service all the time to fill in for people who did not show up to help with the children.  I am not sure how, but I just don't want to get into that rut ever again.

Christmas is very different this year for us.  We are so focused on the move, the coming activities, the goodbyes, the hot weather:), that it just does not seem like Christmas is tomorrow.  It is a good, healthy different.  Because I am enjoying the people in my life.  And have more time to think about why we celebrate...God sent His Son for us...and because we love God, we want to take that message to Belizeans.  Not a message about a faraway God, but  a personal God, who loves them so intimately.  They can't even imagine.

Merry Christmas

Life Disconnected...kind of

So the last five days have been pretty busy for us.  We had a goodbye lunch with the staff, goodbyes at youth, goodbyes all around.  Phew...  Then moved to Highlands.  It is good to be with my in-laws.  It is very calm out here.  It is hard to explain.  They actually live close to a good size suburb, but their house is so quiet.  My kids are playing outside right now.  That is so good for them.  They just didn't do that in Katy.

We had Tori's BFF here for a few days.  She came the day we moved here...our car was so full.  But we are so glad we brought her.  We took her home this morning, when I went for a follow-up with my Dr.  I really feel my Dr. is an answer to prayer.   She is wonderful.  She said my bloodwork looks good, and I am on my way.  I will be stopping one of the meds today.  I will see her one more time before we move, then will need to find a Dr. in Belize.

Tomorrow, Lee and I are heading to Galveston for a little getaway, just the two of us.   I have to do a lot to get ready, but am looking forward to it.  It may be a while before we leave our kids again.  It will take a while to build up trust with people...enough to leave our children.

The house we wanted in Belmopan appears to be occupied.  I am surprised that I am not that dissapointed.  I know it is God's peace, that He has something better for us.  I am really ready for this next step.  It is hard to understand, but I am truly peaceful and feel that it is time for us to move.  There are so many details over the next few weeks.  It makes it hard to focus on Christmas.  But this is part of the process.

It is a little surreal that we are leaving America in 6 weeks.  Like, I know it, but it doesn't seem real.  I am getting adjusted to our temporary life, constant moving, but long for the time, that I can settle into a home.  It is the nester in me.

Living at my in-laws house is incredibly peaceful.  Two big reasons are that we do not have a TV in our room, and there is no wi-fi.  So I have to use my mother-in-law's computer and it is too much hassle to check facebook and my email all the time.  But although I miss those things, it is so peaceful not to have them.

So my blog may not be updated quite as regularly, and there may not be as many pics.  But this is  just how it will probably be when we first move, as well.  And it is good.  God works things together for good for those who love Him. 

Four Years Ago Today

Four years ago today, someone very special was born...

and the world is better for it.

Four years ago today, I was praying for you...

even though I did not know you.



Four years ago today, you were a miracle in so many ways...

even those around you must have felt it.

Four years ago today, a prayer was beginning to be answered...

but we did not know it yet.

Four years ago today, a beautiful girl, with a headfull of dark brown hair, and beautiful tan skin, and intriquing hazel eyes, entered this world.

God already had a plan for this precious girl.

God already had put her in the heart of a momma...and the rest of her family.

Four years ago today, I did not know you yet.  I wish I had been there.  But we can't go back.  And besides, God took care of you better than I could have.  He put you in a home of people who cared for you and loved you until I could get to you.

My sweet Erika.  It is a joy to celebrate your birth today.  I am soooo glad you were born.  I am so glad that every day you make me smile laugh.  You challenge me in ways I never could have known, but you are worth it.  You are smarter than any girl I know.  God gave you an amazing brain.  Always use it.  It will get you far.  You are a fighter.  That is why you are here.  You fought for life...and you won.  You are beautiful.  People everywhere notice.  I thank your birthparents for that.  And that they chose life for you, even though they couldn't keep you.  God, please bless them for that.

I am thankful, Erika, that you fulfill my dream of three children.  Not just the number, but the chaos, and closeness, and busyness that goes with that.  I don't mind the extra laundry, or extra scoop of rice, or one more person to buy gifts for...I love those things.  I love what you add to this family.  I love that your sister prayed just as much for us to get you as I did.  I love that you stole your big brother's heart the first time he met you.  I love that you are my constant company, even when the big kids are gone.  I love the way your daddy is so proud of you, that he wants everyone to also see how special you are.

Erika, I pray that this fourth birthday is so special for you.  You were born at a busy time of year, but I never want it to be too busy for you to be celebrated.

And let me end with one last story...

A couple of weeks ago, I had a conversation with this girl...

Me: Erika, do you know why we celebrate Christmas?

Erika:  Well, we like to see the lights, open presents, be with our family.

Me:  Erika, all those things are nice, but do you know the meaning, why we do those things?  What special baby was born at Christmas?

Erika:  Oh, I know....ME:)

And of course, I explained we don't celebrate it for her, even though she is so special, but for Jesus.

Happy 4th Birthday, Princess Erika

Going Back...

Nine years ago, we had just started Life Church.  Today, Lee sold his car.  I kind of feel like we are right where we were 9 years ago.  It seems like forever ago, yet just like yesterday.

Nine years ago this past summer, we resigned from a church we had planted in Dallas...

Nine months ago, we resigned from a church we planted here in Katy...

Nine years ago, we stood on the brink of the unknown, a new work, that we felt very strongly that the Lord had told us to do.  Yet, we were still at a point of faith...believing for the unseen.

Today, we once again stand on the brink of the unknown again.  Yet, we believe, by faith, that we are doing exactly what God has told us to do.

Nine years ago, we lived with Lee's parents, then brother, as we were in a time of starting a new church, and looking for a new home.

Today, we live with Lee's brother and are in the process of heading to live with Lee's parents, as we strip ourselves of most of our material possessions, and prepare to go and start a new church in Belize.

Nine years ago, we had one car...and I prayed for a second.  Our first ten years of marriage, we shared a car, and amazingly it worked.  But then eventually got to a place where it just wasn't working anymore.

Today, we are back down to one car.  It would not have worked even a month ago...probably.  But now, it will.  We will make it work.  And will spend more time and more communication together because of it.  And this is how it will be in Belize, as well.  But God has put me in a place where I am home, my kids are home, and it will be okay.

So, today, I feel like we are going back, as we press forward.

The Goodbyes have Begun

Tonight, I am truly writing this post for therapeutic purposes.  We have begun the goodbyes.  The crying has begun...and I'm not quite sure when it will stop.

I am trying to set aside some time with some people before we leave Katy this week.  I will not fit everyone in, but just have to do what I can.

Yesterday I had a great tea with a great friend.  Someone who has truly been there for me every time I needed to talk, cry, rejoice, whatever.  We did not have long, but I savored every moment.  Also, this week, I finished---well, you never finish--the discipling book with a friend.  And, yes, I was a little sad.  I have become even closer...even though I felt I knew her before...these last months.

And tonight, we went and spent the evening with our youth pastors.  Our relationship is unique and runs deep.  Let me tell you about how God fused our hearts together.

Over five years ago, we were searching for a youth pastor.  We knew it was more than a staff position, that we needed to mesh.  They would be our first full-time staff.  We received their resume...and I was convinced...from their precious story, that they were the ones.  Then we asked for a photo.  Well, I hired them right then and there.  Unfortunately, that was not my position:(  So, the Council agreed to bring them.  They would stay with us so we could get to know them.  For me, I felt a deep love for this couple immediately.  And their precious 9 month old daughter stole my heart.  Our entire congregation loved them as well, and they were hired immediately.

I worked in the office two days a week, so have seen him as a little brother.  And I offered to watch Joy during youth, so they could both be there.  So, our Friday nights soon became Joy nights.  My kids and I would look forward to her coming over.  And she was that for me.  Joy in my life.  I would look forward to her coming, and hate her leaving.  Can you believe I loved a baby so much who was not mine?  It was the first time I realized God could do that through adoption.  We became Joy's second home.  If they needed time away, we would offer to watch her.   When we were at church, I would always hold Joy.  She loved me and I adored her.  Then came Faith.  I loved her as well.  Courtney was a good friend, but has definitely become so much closer over the past couple of years.  Then, when the Lord blessed us with Erika, she immediately became Faith's best friend.

There is more to this, though.  While we were beginning the process of getting Erika, Courtney was losing her mother.  I always feel bad that I was so consumed with my own life during that time.  I remember when her mom came to Houston to receive care for her cancer, her last words to me were "Please take care of my girls."  And with tear filled eyes, I promised I would.  Then within just that year, her father began to go downhill and recently died as well.  In fact the Sunday we told Life Church that we were going to Belize, she was gone to her dad's funeral.  So, through this deep grief...and our leaving only adding to the grief, we have actually become so much closer.

There are so many things I could write, tell.  But just this.  This family is dear to my heart.  In a way, I cannot even begin to explain.

So this evening was dedicated to them.  To us having one more evening with them.  We watched old videos that Courtney had found of her as a little girl.  Then moved on to videos of her girls and my kids when they were littler.  It was just too much.  But now looking back, it was set up by Him.

As the evening...a great evening...was getting late, Lee wanted to pray over them.  I lost it as he began to explain to Joy and Faith how special they were to all of us, but especially Robyn.  I just lost it.  I am crying as I write this.  I feel that I am leaving my grandgirls.  They are so precious to my heart.  I cannot even say.  I was able to pray over them, with weeping.

Leaving them is so hard.  I know we will see them again.  But it will never again be the same.  It will never again be Joy begging when can she sleep over?  Asking to come to my house...

But I am glad to cry.  It is cleansing.  It is part of this.  We knew it was coming.  It is now here.  This week is intense.  Leaving Katy.  And in crying, one day, Joy will grow up and remember this.  That there was a lady that thought she was the most special girl ever.

Thank you Adam and Courtney for letting your little girl bring me so much joy.

Today

Today is my last kind of free day for a while.  The next days after this are filled with many different things.  So, I kind of feel pressure to get some things done.  But there really is not anything...well, that I actually feel like doing.  Why do I do that?  Not resource my time better.  I am either crazy with busyness...or doing nothing.  There is no in between.

I wanted to share about Starbucks yesterday.  I was blessed to get some gift cards, so am rationing them out.  I have one more coffee left:)  So, yesterday I needed to take Faith, my youth pastor's daughter with us to preschool...and had an 8:45 parent/teacher conference for Erika.  The house was kind of LOUD that morning...so I drug myself out of bed and showered and got ready early (while my familia snoozed away).  By the time Courtney dropped off Faith, I was pretty much ready.  I did my last revisions for my Walmart list (I needed food majorly to prepare some dinners for both our families).  Well, we were in the car and buckled by about 8:25...way too early to head to preschool.  I, and the rest of Katy, decided this cold morning was a good time to run through the drive thru and get some peppermint mocha:)  As I drove around the building, I saw our new pastor...yes, he definitely likes his Bux...and thought "Maybe I should go in" when I saw the line.  But then I would have to take two hyper girlies in with me...and that would not be fun.  So we waited in the very long line.  As I was sitting there, I thought, wow, many of these people come every single day.  They sit in their gas guzzling suburbans and pay way too much for a cup of Joe.  For me, it is an occassional treat.  Sure, I love the stuff...I think they put addicting things in it, so we will come back.  But I know there are better ways for me to spend my money.  So I feel a little guilty.  But anyway.  It just made me a little sad, thinking about Belize, the way that we, as Americans, throw our money away.  When sometimes there are families that can't even feed their kids.

Well, I headed to the conference, and was late, because of the long drive-thru...and my not wanting to get out the line.  But the conference was great.  Erika is very bright and will definitely be prepared for Kindergarten next year.  I will be sad that the preschool years are over.  But it will be good for her to have her own homework when the kids are doing theirs.

The Coffee kept me going all day yesterday.  I went and grocery shopped, made lunch, prepared dinner prep, vaccuumed most of this way too big house, cleaned the bathrooms upstairs (that are larger than most), did laundry, and made a huge dinner for both of our families.  I was tired last night though.  But unfortunately woke up  early.  I am making tacos for both of our families tonight. 

Josh is heading to the youth leaders retreat.  I am glad he gets to go.  Something fun for him before we leave.  Next Wednesday, we will have a special dinner with the staff before we leave...oh, so sad.

Well, we must work on school today.  The kids are doing great.  They are right on track.  Soon, it will be halfway through the year, and we will mail in half of their tests.  Accomplishment is a good thing.  I really like this system of finishing a pace and throwing it away.  I keep Josh's score keys for Tori, but I really like throwing stuff away....downsizing.  It is like I'm addicted to it now!!!  JK.

Have a great day, whatever you are doing.

Getting Ready

A Beautiful Field Trip with my Parents and Girls

So, apparently Erika and Tori did not want to open their eyes in any of these photos:) 

Last week, the girls and I went with my parents to tour Brookwood, a community not far from here that is home to adults with special needs.  It was a beautiful day and a beautiful campus.  I really enjoyed it.  And we each got a souvenier ornament, personalized with the year and our names.  It was so neat to see them working, living, enjoying life and they had the most amazing swimming pool.  I think my girls wanted to jump in.  Look at all the poinsettas they grow.  And how tall the one by Erika is.

We are in our final days here in Katy.  Just one week left.  It is really too hard for me to put my mind around.  The next week is very busy.  Jampacked with good-byes, Christmas programs and parties, birthday stuff for my four year old.  And then packing to move to Lee's parents' house.  We knew this day would come.  But it is still hard to take in.  We will actually be back to Katy for several things like doctors appts, church itineraries, more last visits...but I don't know if we will ever live here again.  Okay, now I am about to cry:(

I am ready for Belize.  I am ready to settle into my own home.  I am ready to figure out the details of living there.  To get into a schedule.  To begin making relationships with the people there.  But until then, I am soaking up every last ounce of my life here.  Every second with my friends.  Those times are bittersweet.  I see it in their eyes...the way they look at me.  Every moment with them is tinged with sadness that we are leaving.  Moving is really hard.  I didn't want to do this again.  But I don't want my emotions to stop me from what God wants.  His ways are always better.  And right now, I just have to hold on to that.

So, from here til next Saturday, we are pretty busy.  Busy with good things.  We just wrote our Christmas letter...so soon, we will send those off.  I have pretty much finished my shopping.  Now just to savor....just to be.  Just to enjoy the amazing people God has in my life.

Night.

Do you have FURIOUS LOVE for those who don't know Jesus?

Last night, our youth pastors invited us to youth so they could pray over us.  My kids knew, but we didn't.  The youth have been collecting money to give us an offering for our mission to Belize.  It was so kind of them...it meant sacrificing going out with their friends and giving up what little money most teeagers have.  I was very blessed as I looked around the room and "felt the love" from all these kids we have watched grow up...some from kindergarten:)  It was the beginning of goodbyes for us.  My special friend, Laura, prayed over us.  She did not know she was going to, but it was so precious for my friend to be the one.

The youth were watching Furious Love last night.  I have heard about it, but wanted to see what was so amazing in it.  I literally had to hold back tears throughout the movie.  I am very aware of the spiritual war we are in, but was so moved by the movie.  What God is doing in the spiritual realm with Lee and I and our kids...moving us to Belize.  And it excited me that He chose us.  That He trusts us.  But made me sad.  All He has used us for here in Katy.  And just a gentle reminder of the spiritual battle that is going on over me every day.  But one thing that really stuck out to me, was that, we are intimidated by demon-possesed people, or people who need healing.  Well, the pressure is off.  It is up to God.  It is He who does it.  And it is easy for Him.  He pursues people...and we just have to be willing to be used to help those people in God's perfect timing.  This is not a casual family friendly movie.  But I challenge you to watch it.  To widen your perspective.  To see the bigger world out there.  It was a blessing to me.  And compelled me to LOVE, LOVE people to Christ.  That is what they need.  God will clean them up.  But we need to truly be vessels of love.  After all that Love is what caused God to sacrifice His SON and I think sometimes we need to be reminded of that.

We are off for family Photos this afternoon.  Hoping its a good hair day:)