Season of Change

We are in such a season of change right now.

We should be moving into the new church building in the next few weeks.  I am excited because Josh and Tori will be here.  I feel like it is significant that we celebrate this milestone as a family.

Soon, the youth net that we have hosted in our home for almost seven years will begin meeting at the building.  What a change it will be not to have to clean up before and after every single Thursday.  I am sure it will change for them as well.  Moving to the building.  But I also feel that it will be a place where it can grow more as well.

Josh graduates in April.  As we prepare to go home and celebrate with him, this is also a time of change.  This will be the last Christmas he can probably come and hang out for two weeks.  Unless he becomes a teacher, his new job will probably not afford him that time.  It is probably the last time we can go to Foursquare Convention as a whole family.  Also a special time I am looking forward to.  As my children have become adults, I have treasured them even more.  Treasured every moment I have with them even more.  Realizing the moments are less.

Sometimes its hard to be Thankful

Wow.  Yesterday was a hard one for me.  Holidays on the mission field are hard.  Facebook and Instagram don't help.  All the people you are aching to be with.  All of things about the holidays you miss.  Like the kids playing outside all afternoon in the leaves after the big turkey lunch.  All of the foods you miss but are hard to find here or just plain expensive.  Sure, we had a big feast yesterday.  It was delicious.  But it was not the same.

Yesterday, we had a couple friends from the states around our table.  We have established some Thanksgiving traditions here in Belize.  But Erika doesn't remember and the other two girls have never experienced it in the states.  Only what I have been able to pull together here.

What I am so thankful for is that my parents drove up to Dallas this week and my two big kids spent the night at my brother and sister in laws house.  That they had family.  But even for them it is not the same.  They miss Lee and I.  Their immediate family.

I must choose thankfulness.  I must choose to be thankful that we are able to fly Josh and Tori here for Christmas.  That I will have my immediate family around me for two weeks.  There will be still be the loss of our parents and siblings.  But I am thankful we will have all of our children together.

Thanksgiving in Belize is not a holiday.  It is just another normal day.  And yes, some do have the big feast.  But even that is not the same.  Thanksgiving in the states is so big.  You do nothing but cook and watch the Macy's parade on TV and then all veg around all afternoon with your family.  Even if your family is not so great, the tradition is still like a 3 day event.  I miss it.  I miss my big kids.  Yesterday was heavy.  Even with facetiming family.   And it is something that I feel only other missionaries or soldiers understand.

Tomorrow we will decorate for Christmas and prepare for our special time.  I can't wait!

Lots of Emotions These Past Weeks

There has been so much going on these past few weeks, that I only can describe it as emotional.   There have been such extreme highs and lows.  Victories and losses.  Sometimes I have been overwhelmed by it all and just wanted to cry.  There have been completion to things we have been working on for years...so it should all be excitement, right?

My blog has always been very candid.  Where I share the heart of what living on the mission field is really like.

While we rejoiced in the victory of Kailey's full adoption and Aviya's provisonal adoption two weeks ago, there is also this tinge of sadness as we did not have our family with us.  Our older kids gone to college, very much wishing they would have been here as we went out to eat to celebrate.

The party was a tremendous blessing the following week.  Where we were missing our family, God showed up powerful as our Belizean family filled our home.  There literally was no extra space.  People everywhere to celebrate with us and pray with us over our beautiful Belizean daughters.  Yes, there were some Americans here, but it was mostly Belizeans.  The Belizeans who have become our deepest friends and family over these past seven years.

The end of last week was Tori's birthday.  Another high/low for me.  There were tears over the fact that I could not be physically with her on her special day.  But there were also tears of joy that our family would drive all the way up to have lunch with her at college.  A great sacrifice of love that she and I will never forget.  That was also the day Lee and I received our nationalization.  We are now officially Belizean.  Again, an exciting moment, but no family here to share the joy.  We went out to eat as a family that night to celebrate.  It was fun, but a little lonely.

The other emotional battle right now is that my dad is sick.  He is going through chemotherapy.  It is brutal and recently he had to stay overnight in the hospital.  It is painful to see my mom and dad going through this and me not being there to help.   I rejoice when they get a good report or when mom tells me he is doing good.  But I'm sad when I hear of his struggles.  I have the best dad in the world and pray that when the chemo is done, his strength is rebuilt.  I pray and believe for healing for him every day.

The journey on the mission field is hard to describe.  Sometimes it feels like we miss so much back home.  Sometimes it feels like we are alone here in our rejoicing.  But then the Lord reminds us that He has given us a special family here as well.

The emotions of the past few weeks have been a little overwhelming for me.  Real life still continues.  Meeting with women in the church, homeschool, laundry, cooking, Sunday morning celebration, dance class.  Life continues amidst all the things.

This week, FMI highlighted our family.  It was kind of crazy time in the midst of so many other things going on.

I am thankful that the Lord allows us to have emotions and feel.  I am glad that our lives are fulls of the joys and sorrows.  We wouldn't appreciate life if every day was the same.  We look back and see so much clearer.

Adoption Celebration

This Sunday  morning is one of our biggest as a church.   Community of Cultures is always a packed out house.  It is the highlight of our year as we celebrate the different cultures of our church people.  

Then Sunday evening, will be a big celebration for our family.  Its hard to believe it has been seven years since we adopted Erika.

I'm excited about this time being a special time with our family here in Belize.  Those who have walked with us day by day.  Those who have prayed with us and believed with us.  It is a celebration for everyone of answered prayers.  The people coming to this party deeply love our girls.  I will miss our parents, siblings and especially Josh and Tori.

So, I wanted to share what I will be saying about our journey, before we pray over the girls on Sunday.  It will be a dedication of sorts.

Kailey Isabel means "laurel", "crown", "princess" and "devoted to God".  She is truly a beautiful princess who lives her life for the Lord.

Aviya Hope means "my father is God" and "expectation" or "firm assurance".  Aviya knows who she is in Christ and is a girl full of joy and hope.  She chose to change her name and we love it!

This is what I will be sharing::

I want to thank each of you for coming tonight.  You were invited because you have been a support to Lee and I, our girls, our family.  We rejoice in the adoption.  We invited you to rejoice and celebrate with us, but also to pray over the children the Lord has blessed us with.

Ephesians 1:4-5 New King James Version (NKJV)

4 just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before Him in love, 5 having predestined us to adoption as sons by Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the good pleasure of His will,

GOD LOVES ADOPTION.  I love adoption.  Since I was very small, I always wanted to adopt.  My older sister was adopted.

In 2007, we met a beautiful 14 month old little girl that was in foster care and needed a family.  The moment I met her I knew I was her mom.  The journey to adoption took almost two years, but I “adopted” her the moment I first held her.  I felt that our family was complete.  

During that journey, was when the Lord called our family to move to Belize.  

In 2013, we were at Marla’s with a mission team.  We came to Belize with no intention of growing our family anymore.  BUT GOD.  When Kailey’s name was mentioned, the Holy Spirit came over me, Tori and Lee, like a wind.  I barely knew who she was, but I will never question that God spoke in that moment that she was my daughter.  One other thing is that before we even moved here, when Tori was 11, God had given her a vision in worship one day.  It was of a girl who was about her age, who needed a home.  The Lord told Tori that she needed to share her room, share her clothes and that the Lord would use this girl.  When God spoke to us that day at Marla’s, I remembered Tori’s vision that she had written down and we went back and looked.   I never knew it would take 4 ½ years to complete the adoption.  But the journey is a celebration of the faithfulness of the God we serve.  When God speaks something, He will bring it to completion.

The journey of adoption has been just as much about what God has done in Lee and I, as what He has done in the lives of our girls.

Faith is easy when everything is going great.  But when it is hard, we want to give up.

Do we trust what God said or not?

It took a year for Kailey to be able to move into our home.  We would sometimes have her on weekends, sometimes not.  The waiting was hard.  I still do not understand all the reasons.  But Kailey was older, so the transition was harder for her.  We are so excited in what the Lord has done in Kailey and how she has longed to be adopted by us.  We love her very deeply.

Last year, in 2016, we were at a Marlas fundraiser.  Shelly Usher spoke of her journey of adoption and one of the things she said, was that we needed to ask ourselves, “do we have room for one more?”  Also on that night, for the first time, Aviya stood out to me.  Her smile, her energy, her joy as she danced to “When Jesus Says Yes”...The Lord has used that song repeatedly along our journey to adopt Aviya.  The next day at church, again Aviya came over and randomly started talking to me.  She did not know that Kailey had once lived at Marla’s or that we had adopted Erika.  She was so curious and wanted to know the scoop.  My heart was so drawn to her...

A couple weeks later, we went to Texas for our regular one month itinerary.  Every single day, God whispered Aviya’s name in my ear...and Lee’s ear.  Everywhere we went, I felt the Lord say that the next time, we would have Aviya with us.  He told me over and over again, YOU HAVE ROOM FOR ONE MORE.  Room in the van, room in your house, room in your heart.  He would not let it go.  

God is never early.  Literally every deadline, we have needed with these girls has been right on time.  God has intervened and we have seen miracle after miracle.

Sometimes along the journey, it would be so discouraging.  Dealing with the system.  Questioning why they would allow certain things.  But then looking back, I can truly see that the Lord has always had our girls’ best interest at heart.  Visitation that allowed closure where needed.  

No child wants to need to be adopted.  But God loves those children so much that He will move the heart of a family...that was only going to have two children...to adopt.

This is our journey.  Many of you know the stories, but I wanted to share:)

Sigh of Relief

Have you ever been fighting a battle for so long, that when it is over, you are just kind of in shock?

Wednesday, we became citizens of Belize.   There will be a ceremony later, but this was literally the "nick of time".

The adoption for Kailey was final yesterday, two days before her 17th birthday, also the "nick of time."

Aviya was granted a provisional adoption which will become final in six months, because she has not lived with us as long as Kailey.

The weeks and months preceding this week, we have fought some ferocious battles.  And it seems that the victories never come early, but at the final hour.

This morning, we had our women's breakfast and during the teaching, I was just thinking, why am I not jumping up and down and running around this place?  All of the things we have been asking for the Lord are coming about.  

Four and a half years ago, God spoke powerfully, literally with a gust of wind, and told me to adopt Kailey.  That she was my daughter.  The journey we have taken has been long.  For her, as well.  But God.  

But yesterday, we legally adopted Kailey.  THIS IS HUGE.  It is what we have been working toward for so long.  Because we feel that ADOPTION is important.  We have loved Kailey deeply.  But this is the thing...she is now our daughter now in every sense of the word.  She can have the same opportunities and blessings as our other children.  We can make decisions for her and do not have to rely on Human Services anymore.  God is so great.  And we are so thankful.

And this girl?  A year and a half ago, the Lord told us we had room for "one more".   She radiates joy wherever she goes.  By her own choosing, she wanted to change her name to Aviya Hope and it fits her so perfectly.   We know that God has great plans for ALL of our children.  

So I guess we are that family who adopted a bunch of kids:)  We have two amazing and beautiful birth children that my heart is so proud of.  And now we have three amazing and beautiful daughters through adoption.  And we are blessed for it.

During the journey and times of waiting, the Lord spoke to me through so many different songs.  One song in particular that spoke to me is "Take Courage" by Bethel.

Here it is if you are waiting for something...

Tori and I were texting back and forth all day yesterday.  It was such a stressful day.  We were preparing to go to court in Belize City at 1:30.  I was straightening the little girls hair and we were getting dressed up to leave at 12.  We found out at ten minutes before 11, that court had moved up to 11, and we could not make it.  It was so frustrating.  Just waiting.   Not knowing.  Wanting to be there.  The attorney's assistant called us at one point, making us even more anxious.  But during that time, I played this song.  Minutes later, Tori texted me and said they sang this song in chapel and she cried, as we had waited so long.  Because Tori was as invested in this journey as we are, she wanted to know her sisters had been adopted.

But today we rise in the Victory.   Jesus won yesterday.  Kailey was fully adopted just in time.  And Aviya's will be final soon.  Waiting is so hard, but He teaches us so many things along the journey.

I feel like when I look back over my life how fostering and adopting children has taught me so much about the Lord.  About how He will rescue children and restore very deep things.  I think about how we have a choice to obey when He tells us to do something.  That we have a choice not to listen.  But there are such great blessings in obedience.  It does not mean the path is always easy.  There are ups and downs.  There are spiritual battles that we would rather not fight.  But really, it is God who fights the battles for us.  We just have to remember that we are opening up ourselves to these battles when we foster and adopt.  But it is worth it.  And we would want someone to do it for us:)

So today, although its a busy day, I take my sigh of relief...

How does Adoption Day feel?

Last night before bed, there was such excitement in this house.  I had a hard time sleeping last night...thinking about today.   It is a day we have talked about and waited for so long.

This morning, I woke up and got the girls breakfast from the bakery, just for fun.

But what does it feel like?  When you were told 4 1/2 years ago to adopt a child...and it is finally here?  When you were told 1 1/2 years ago to adopt another one?  That you probably wouldn't have considered if the other adoption had been completed?

Last night, I led Net Group on understanding God's voice.  One thing I am confident is Him telling us three very specific times to adopt.  Three very specific and very different ways, He wooed us to love one of His children who needed a family.  And these girls have become my family.  Today is just a formality of what God has already done.  But an important formality.

Today, there won't be a lot of chores done.  We will only do a few subjects in school this morning, but it is going to be more of a relaxing day of just enjoying the blessing God has given us.  Today we will become a family of SEVEN.   

Many times, people ask me, do you love your adopted girls like Josh and Tori?  This is a hard question, because what I have discovered is love comes softly and differently, but it is love, nonetheless.  Yesterday, I had a "date" with Kailey.  On the way home from Mexico, we stopped at the school where she spent many years.  It was a cool experience.  But she told me that seems like a different life to her.  I think it speaks a lot of the healing power of Jesus.   And the longer she has spent in our home, we have become her way of life.  We have become her family in every sense.  I remember when she first moved in, she was afraid to pray aloud at night.  And now, how she is the oldest in our home, running the show, telling the littler girls what to do.  I love Kailey very deeply.  She brings such great joy to my heart.  I am so proud to call her my daughter.  Her teacher from years ago described Kailey perfectly.  She said she had such a sweetness and worked very hard at school.  These are two of the things that I see in her as well.  Sunday, we will celebrate her 17th birthday, and thankfully, we will celebrate her being a Brockinton as well!!

Aviya is a child that is easy to love.  All who know her fall in love with her smile, her joy, her excitement for life.  She deeply loves our family and we love her.  Because of her being younger, affection has always come easy.  Sometimes I feel like she needs more affection to make up for years that she did not get it.  Erika and Aviya are the same age, but they are so different in personality.  Their likes and dislikes are so different.  But the blessing is that they really enjoy doing things together.  It is a journey for Erika not to be the youngest and not to get all the attention.  But I do think she has enjoyed having someone to play with:)  I deeply love my Aviya...my last child...the one that the Lord said we had room for one more...

Sometimes I get so overwhelmed with all of my children.  Even though two are off at college, they are always on my heart.  But I consider it my greatest joy as well.   Today, I will wear my charm bracelet, which is a little old fashioned, but one of my favorite material things:)  It has one for my marriage and five beautiful charms with all of my children's name and birthdays.  When I wear it, I always feel like I have them with me, even the two that are far away.  I look down and the name that I see I begin to pray for.  I love my children and and so thankful that today, I will have two more.

Today is a little sad as well.  As we prepare to go to the courthouse, I am missing my two oldest children.  I am missing my and Lee's parents.  With Erika, we had so many people there to support us and today it will be just us.  But I rejoice that in a few weeks, our whole family will be together for Christmas and we will all be Brockintons this year.

My 44th Birthday

I'm in a season of life where all I want for my bday is to go away for a night.   There is something about having someone else take care of my kids for an evening and next day.

I slept so good last night.   I woke up and didn't even remember where I was.   There is something about the comfort of a hotel.   Sleeping in AC.  I'm used to sleeping to the whirr of fans and dogs barking in the night.  Motorcycles racing up and down the street.   I'm used to these things, but the quiet and darkness of our getaway.   Just the relaxation of not having a time to get up.   Or children to tend to.  I slept so good last night.

And then this new place we have found serves complementary breakfast with free room service.   So, I enjoyed the best Belizean breakfast in bed this morning.  It was glorious.   They have a garden here and all of the food is scrumptious as it's homemade goodness.   The freshest johnny cakes I've ever had with smooth retried beans.   Yes, I love the Belizean way of breakfast.   We also got a beautiful fruit plate with watermelon, pineapple, dragon fruit, guava.   Fresh jellies were brought for the johnny cakes.

Today, we will enjoy a leisurely lunch overlooking beautiful San Ignacio.   It's always a little strange to me when we are tourists in the country we serve.   The place we came on several mission trips as our two oldest children were growing up.  A place where we had long, sweaty days where we gave it all we had and then slept soundly at night.   Streets we walked many times, but now that are our home.

I always hesitate to share on my blog the treats of mission life.   But this morning, I just woke up with a full heart.  Mission life is hard.   In my Net on Thursday, my Net leader talked about dying to our flesh to follow Jesus and then pointed me out.   She realizes the cost of mission life...even though she is Belizean.  She realizes there is cost to my family living here.   But where you give your life to Him, there are also blessings.

I feel that Lee and my marriage has been tested and stretched and challenged like no other the last seven years.  But the blessing?   We have a deeper, stronger marriage now than ever before.

Living without AC in a very hot climate has challenged me in ways that I cannot explain.  But you know what?   I've survived.  And I've realized what a strong person I am.  And that strength comes from the Lord.   I have cried out to Him so many times.  And every time He's been faithful.

When Erika's hands were hurt, I remember standing next to her as she lay on the bed and cried and sometimes screamed.  I prayed God would protect her from disease and infection as I worried how dirty the ER room was.  I prayed for the doctors to sew her up properly (as I was planning my trip to the states with her in my head).  I prayed for God to help me when I felt so weak and helpless and sad and angry.  And He was faithful.   He helped us every step of the way.   And we survived.

So this overnight, getting away, is a blessing from the Lord.   We will stay until checkout and just relax.   We will thank Him that a man in our church got us a free upgrade.  We will appreciate Him providing someone to stay with our girls so I could relax.  And I will rejoice that even though there is much sacrifice in living on the mission field, we have also been blessed to stay at some beautiful places for an off season price.  

It has been a great 44th birthday.

Do you drink alcohol?

I am asked this question so much.  Just this week, by a member of a team who was visiting Belize and helping with our building.  When I was on the plane flying home this summer, I was asked by an unbeliever.  Even my children sometimes ask.  This summer, Tori asked me if we were on a cruise or in a destination that noone would know Dad and I, would I drink an alcoholic beverage?

Spending time in my devotional this morning, it also made me think about this question.

Sometimes the reason we do or do not do something is more than just about us.  It is about those watching us.  Our walk with the Lord is not just about us.  And I am not talking to just leaders, but all believers.  Because we are being watched by our children, our neighbors and even people we do not know.

I grew up in a Christian home where my parents occasionally drank, but never got drunk.  Once they went to Bible college, they did not drink anymore.  I was never around drunkenness until I moved to Belize.  I never dealt so heavily with the destruction of alcohol until I moved here.  So, my stance on alcohol has only become deeper.  It is a personal conviction.

Lee and I have never drank alcohol.  Except for the sip of wine where Jesus turned water into wine in Israel.   When we were about to celebrate our first anniversary, I was babysitting a seven year old girl and took her to the grocery store with me.  I picked up some Welch's grape juice in a celebratory bottle and she got so upset.  She said, "Even you and Pastor Lee drink?"   Because she had an alcoholic father at home, it was very upsetting that we, her children's pastors might drink.  I explained that it was only juice, but realized how you never know how you are affecting people around you.

Since moving to Belize, we have dealt with children who have been abused because of alcohol.  We know women who have babies because of alcohol (with damage to the poor baby).  We know women who live in fear because of never knowing when their husband will come home drunk and beat them.  Just this week, we took the team to eat, and there were men, who should have been home with their families, just sitting in a bar and drinking all night.  This part of alcohol...the drunkenness, is clearly a sin in the Word.   

So, why do we not sometimes just share some wine or drink a beer now and then?  Because as long as we did not get drunk, it would not be sin?  Because someone would see.   Someone is watching always.   And they do not know how many drinks we have had.  And my taking a drink is just a reminder possibly to deep pain in their life.   By choosing not to drink, it is not only for me, it is also for my children.  It is for those children who know the very negative effects that alcohol has.  It is reminder of hunger pains, because the man of the house drank up the grocery money.  It is a reminder of the physical pain that was endured because the man or woman was not thinking clearly when they acted out on the child.

My devotional this morning talked of FREEDOM in walking in God's ways.  That God's ways are not to put us in bondage, but rather free us.  Satan will tell us that we can "live on the edge" of the world.  But I choose to be in this world and not of it.

My life is happier, more secure, more stable because of it.

I do not need alcohol to make me feel better, forget things, loosen up.

This is why Lee and I do not drink Alcohol:)

Meals

Food prep is this whole "thing" when you are a mom.  I feel like living on the mission field and homeschooling ups it a notch.   I always am having to think ahead what our meals will be.  There is no running to McDonalds if I don't plan ahead.  I cannot buy ready made food at the store here.   When I pack a lunch, there are no lunchables for the kids.  So typically I cook a few big meals and then we will have a few leftovers for when times get busy.   

Today is a cooking day for me.  We used up the leftovers last night.

So far this morning, I have cut up tomatoes, lime, onion, cilantro and jalepenos for our pico de gallo for lunch.   I will be making chicken tacos.  Our new norm since I am not eating beef anymore.  In a little while, the tortilla truck will come by with hot corn tortillas and Erika will run out and buy a bag for me.  They are $1.75 BZ for a pound, which we will use up today.  They are not something that lasts.  That is another thing living here.  Everything is fresh, which is great, but everything goes bad very quickly.  Like the bananas I bought three days ago.

Since the girls have dance this afternoon, I also have had to go ahead and prepare dinner.   Elizabeth used to cook on Friday nights to help me out.  But now, I have to plan a meal before we go.  So I am going to make chicken in the crock pot, baked potatoes in the oven (since Lee is here) and I just made a big salad.

And then I need to think about something for dessert.  Lee always seems to want something sweet after dinner.   And we don't keep a lot of sweets in the house.   So I will probably make him his mom's recipe of peach cobbler:)  For me, I make fat-free pumpkin bread.  But everyone loves it, so I share:)

I honestly don't know how women who work outside the home do it here.  But I know wealthier women have someone who works all week in their house, cleaning, cooking, taking care of the kids.  A full time position for that would be about $150 BZ.  

Often I get overwhelmed with my daily tasks here.  Although it is so much easier lately with only five people.  And I do make the girls help with things.  But managing a home is a busy deal.  And it is hot, so tasks you would do in the states are just more miserable here.  Like laundry.  I hang about half of my laundry on the line to save electricity.  But that is hot.  And then if it rains (since we live in the tropics),  I often have to run out and save the laundry that is almost dry!!!  My floors are ALWAYS dirty.   Between the dog and three girls, it has to be swept daily.  We bought a vaccuum, but it just does not work as well as a broom.  And a broom is just more work.   I take turns between me doing it and having the girls help.   I make them each sweep their own bedrooms.  This morning, I have a lady coming to clean.  She comes once a week and I pay her $30BZ, which is good because she is only here about 3 hours.   She is such a blessing to me, though.  She will sweep and mop the whole house.  She'll do other things as well, but that is the biggest help.   She also cleans our windows, which is a whole thing.   They are constantly dirty.  I feel like my home here is always dirty.  Because our windows are always open.  We literally do not close them unless there is a hurricane.  Often the doors are propped open as well, to increase the wind flow.  So, dirt and bugs just blow in.  When we go to the states, it is always hard for the girls to remember how important it is to shut the door and keep the air conditioning in.

Often Americans will visit with us and ask us a lot of questions about moving here.   Lee's first response is that it will be more of an adjustment for the woman than the man.   It is so true.   I am grateful for the experiences I have gained here.   But it is truly such a different life than I lived in America.  I am thankful that living in Belize has forced me to learn to cook.  I have learned so many things and truly love home cooking now.   I actually prefer my own food to most restaurants, but still enjoy eating out just to have a break from cooking.  I am so blessed that I have been able to be home these years and focus on my children.  Some days I wish they all went to school.  But as I have sent off Josh and now Tori, I have seen that this homeschool life has knit our family very tightly together.   It has been a safe place for us to bring in other children and watch them thrive.   Sometimes the days are long.  But the weeks actually go by so quickly.   The other night, we had a city wide night of worship.  I don't know why, but out of the blue, I thought I only have five more grades with Erika after this year.   And I began to cry.   I remember praying for her as a baby and wanting the time to go slower than it did with Josh and Tori, but it has gone faster.   Erika is very strong willed, but has blossomed into such an amazing young lady.   

Alright, time to get off of here and get some things done.

Have a blessed Friday everyone!!

Why is Fostering and Adopting so Scary???

We have a group that meets monthly for foster parents.  It is not through the government, but rather through missionaries who came to Belize to foster and to minister to foster families.   It is on Friday so normally just the girls and I go.  The older kids watch the younger (other teens in the group are also homeschooled).  

Last month, they did a family night that was so fun.  It was at their house, which is like a small farm.  We made homemade pizza in their outdoor pizza oven and they had an outdoor movie when it got dark.  Before that, the kids just enjoyed playing and riding horses.  Our Social Worker even came and brought her own two year old son.  I thought it was a special time for her to see the kids in her care just having fun with their foster families.  And it was a special time for our family to just relax and have fun with other families that look like ours.

Each month, the leaders bring a big basket of books that have something to do with fostering or adopting or on being healthy families.  It is nice to have access to resources that are so relevant for our lives.  Yesterday, I picked up a small book on stats about fostering and adopting.  I just began it but it really got me to think.

The stats are from 2013, the Barna group.  A whopping 38 percent of Christians seriously consider adoption, while only 5 percent actually adopt.  That is so crazy.   Why aren't more people stepping out?  As I began to look through the reasons, a lot of it has to do with fear of the unknown or not knowing where to get started or thinking it is too expensive.

Another statistic that got me is that out of the parents who have adopted, 75 percent adopted one child, 23 percent adopted 2 and we fall into the category of 3 percent that adopted a third child.

I think part of that, is once you step out in obedience, it is easier for the Lord to pull on your heartstrings a second and even third time.   But as someone who has walked the journey, with each child, I became more and more scared to tell people what God was telling us.  And with each child, I definitely worried more about how we would provide (but its not us...its truly the Lord).  I worried how the new child would fit into our family.  How the first children would react.  

Our foster meetings are good.  There are no social workers.  It is just foster parents or those considering fostering.  It is safe place where we can share our struggles, and then pray with and encourage each other.  The leaders are definitely skilled and do an amazing job in making us leave encouraged.  Yesterday, we had a lady in our church who is considering adopting a child from one of the children's homes.  Another couple has two foster children that are extremely difficult and they were sharing that they were thinking of returning them to the social worker.  But as they shared their struggles, others in the group were able to share our victories.

Parenting is hard.  Parenting and having to undo unhealthy behaviors that were built in a dysfunctional home...is harder.  It is so much easier to start with a brand new baby.   It is so much easier to parent only those children that you have protected right from the womb.

But there are so many children out there who desperately need the same chance as our birth children.  Who need a chance at a better life.  Who need a healthy upbringing.  How do we change the world?  One child at a time.

The blessing is we serve a healing God.  Time and love truly do heal so many deep areas.   There are so many testimonies of powerful men and women of God, who were adopted.  So many stories of someone who loved them and parented them and gave them a chance in life.

I believe with all of my heart that Jesus rescued each of my three (adopted) girls.  At different stages of their lives.  But I believe He rescued them and brought them into my and Lee's life for a reason.  Because He wants to use them.  Sometimes the Spiritual Warfare along the way is overwhelming.  Sometimes I want to give up.  But then I see the fruit of what Jesus has done.  I look at Erika and the powerhouse she is.  And that she identifies what a miracle her life is.  I look at my sweet, sweet Kailey, who dances beautifully before her Lord.  Who now is thankful and sees God's hand on her life and how He placed her in our family.  And then Aviya.  Aviya will have a powerful testimony one day.  Aviya wants with all her heart to please us.  She wants with all her heart to live a life for the Lord. 

 Life is a journey.  We are always growing.  He is always stretching us.  Fostering and Adopting has stretched Lee and I in ways we could never have expected.  But its a beautiful stretching.  We have walked through things that if I had known in the beginning, I would not have stepped out in.  So thankfully, sometimes we walk in not knowing the bigger picture.  But the bigger picture is so much more beautiful than we could have ever thought.

Being Hurt

 A few years ago, I read the book, The Bait of Satan, by John Bevere.  I have since lent it out, but at the time, I took some notes and led the Youth Net one night on the subject of offense.  The ministry time that evening was great because literally everyone in the room had something they needed to deal with.

If we are alive, we will be offended at some point...or many points in our life.  I feel like if you are in ministry, all the more so.  People hurt people.  Sometimes on purpose and sometimes totally unaware.  I know I have hurt people.

So what are we to do in this world of people hurting other people?  How are we to handle this as mature believers?  It is not easy.  In fact, I feel that it is easier to forgive a non-believer than a believer.  We expect more from those who follow Christ, so our disappointments are greater.

One thing that I learned in the book is that confrontation is not always the answer.  Not always what God would have us do.  Sometimes confronting things makes them worse.  But there are definitely times that the Lord does want us to bring it out in order to bring healing.  This is where it gets tricky.

But the other thing that happens in the body of Christ is that Satan gets a stronghold of offense.  He wreaks havoc on their lives and destroys relationships with those around them.  He blinds the believer by focusing on oneself and the hurt one feels.  But don't you know that God uses other people to sift us?  To make us stronger.  He builds humility in us as we handle offense with love and forgiveness.  I have learned and am learning that we must have grace for those around us.  We must try to see things through others' eyes.  We must have grace as they are on a journey as well.  

One of the other more difficult things the Lord has shown me is that we must truly pray for those who offend us.   Because they probably need it the most.  If they have offended me, then they probably have offended others.  So, we must birth those prayers in love.  Out of love for our fellow man, that God would reveal to them and bring healing in their lives so they will be considerate of others.

There are some offenses that will never be "taken care of".  There will be those in your life who continuously offend you.  This is where maturity as a believer comes in.  Where you love them anyway.   It is up to us to be the forgiver and not to let bitterness set in.  Bitterness and unforgiveness hurt you and those closest to you.  In fact, it repels people from wanting to be around you.

In our Christian walk, God does not promise ease.  In fact, the more you grow, the more of a target you are.  But have the victory.  Choose to forgive.   Choose not to be offended.  That is the happiest place to live.

Being Intentional

When I had my surgery, it required many changes in my diet.  Some of those changes are forever.  At first, I was sad.  Thinking of all the things I could no longer eat.  But I became very intentional when eating.  More intentional than I have ever been.  There have been a couple of times I have not stayed within my boundaries and have paid for it with pain in my sides.

I also decided to become more intentional about my activity level.  Even in those first weeks, I began walking.  I am very busy here, but exercise is something I have really struggled with.  It is 90 degrees in my living room right now.  So I am already sweating.  My flesh says to sit in a chair in front of a fan.  But when I walk, I feel so much better.  I sweat a little more, but since I'm already sweating, why not?  I was curious how much I was actually walking and so Lee had an old pedometer.  It has been fun to park a little further away so I am forced to walk a little more.   Or to realize I need to walk more to make my pedometer numbers to go up.

I realized over the past few weeks that I walk more in America.  Walking around the mall or inside Walmart.  Everywhere we go, we have to park so far and walk in.  Walking in Oregon was awesome because it wasn't too hot.  Here it is hot and I park right in front of the store and our stores are small.  So I have to be intentional to get my steps in.

The girls have enjoyed walking with me.  We clear all the furniture back in our living room, turn on some fast music and WALK.  It has been a time of laughing and singing together.  It is a season of creating some new memories with my last three:)

People are Watching

Lee and I are anglo.  We have three brown children living with us in Belize:)   Quite often, I see people staring at us. Especially when Aviya yells "Mom" or "Dad" loudly.  I am a very private person.  But I have seen how God has used our journey to help others to step out to foster and adopt.  It is not a journey for every family.  But I encourage anyone who is questioning if this is what God wants for their life.

Today, I was buying my produce.  The lady knows me well.  She sees me at least once a week if not more.  She sees me with all my different children at different times.  This morning, the stand was pretty empty.  I said something about the journey of getting one of my daughters to eat veggies.  And she said, "the dark skinned girl is not yours, right?"  Yes, she is mine, I thought.  But I told her that I am adopting two Belizean girls, have two birth children and we adopted Erika before we moved to Belize.  She grabbed her throat and got choked up and said she wanted to do that too.  It was just such a moment I feel the Lord used.  She shared some of her personal journey and began to ask me very personal questions.  I am used to this now.  When you foster, your privacy goes out the door because people are so curious.  But I encouraged her that if she was feeling that was what she wanted, to pursue it.  I always wanted to adopt.   It took me years to get up the courage to actually do it.  And I remember it was a couple who visited our church for only one month that the Lord used to help Lee and I to step out.

People watch our journeys.  Make sure you encourage others along the way.  You never know how many lives you may be changing.  We set out to adopt one child and ended up adopting three...

This Summer

This has been a crazy summer for me.   Just as I got home from a crazy busy trip to the states, and was just beginning to settle into our new life with a smaller family, life threw us a curve ball.

So I was back in the states and my poor family was without a mom to run the show.  Somehow they survived and I got some special time with my parents as my body healed.

Then Lee and I celebrated 25 years of marriage.  A marriage I am so thankful for.  I love who we are as a married couple.  It took many years and many trials to get to this beautiful place of contentment and joy in our marriage.   Realizing what a gift I was given 25 years ago.  We had an amazing trip to Oregon and were so blessed by the Besa family as we went for Bianca's wedding.  What an honor to be there as they are starting their marriage in ministry just like Lee and I did.  And what a joy to get a few days alone with Lee.  Even the simple thing that noone could call him there!  It was wonderful.

I came home for a week and worked with the girls on school, restocking the fridge and then was off to take Tori up to college.  I had such a special time with Tori.  We laughed, sang our hearts out in the car, had fun decorating her room.  I will always treasure that I got a few days with just her.  Of course, I also was so thankful for the little bit of time we got with Josh too.  He has been such a blessing in helping her get adjusted to all the new things of college life.  I was so proud of how well Wayne and Jodie had taught her to drive.  Of course,  I am nervous leaving her, but I felt so much peace on her college campus and know she is exactly where God wants her.

And now, just like that September is here.  A month full of celebrations for Belize.  It is the busiest time of year for LifeNet as well.  We have so many new things happening.  The girls are well into their school year...five weeks and doing well.  This week begins their activities, like dance.  Our house is much quieter now.  Elizabeth still joins us occasionally to play Catan.  We enjoy the fun she brings to the house.  It is still weird that she has her own house now.  It is beautiful and she is ready to receive girls to live with her.

Kailey will begin something new this year.  She will begin teaching dance at a tutor center in the village.  I am so proud of her and the way she is using the gift God has given her.  She is excited and taking it very seriously.  She will also be doing a devotional with the girls.  Many of the girls attend LifeNet.

Well, it is time for me to run my errands.  I need to go to the produce stand, grocery store, meat store and bakery.  I got spoiled the few weeks I was in the states and could just run to Walmart or HEB.

God is so Close to our Hearts

This morning as I was having my quiet time with God.  I came to Him with a million frustrations.  I poured out my heart.  My weariness with certain things.  I told Him I just needed to feel Him.  Right here in my room.  And God is so amazing.  He is right there.  He is listening.  He understands whatever we have to dump on Him.  I put in my earplugs and looked for a worship song I have never heard before.  God has always ministered to me through music.  And the song that came up...spoke to me as if it was written directly to what I had just poured out to Him.

I just felt that I was to share this to encourage someone.  We, as believers, are not always on the mountain top.  Sometimes we are in the valley and don't know how to get out.  But I challenge you...are you really spending time with the Lord?  Because when we truly get into His presence, we are changed.  Even if our circumstances don't change, our view of those circumstances will.

When God Writes Your Story

In a couple weeks, Lee and I will celebrate 25 years of marriage.

Life is crazy, guys.

When I was young, I had it all planned out.  What my life would look like.

There are so many things that I had not ever dreamed of.  There are so many things that we have walked through in these years that I never could have expected.

But its a GOOD life.

If we had not been obedient to God's call to adopt, we would have an empty nest now.  Some days that seems like it would be nice:)  LOL.  But I think I would be lonely and not ready to be kid-free.

I think over the years, the churches we have pastored, people that have been in our life.  People whose lives have been affected because of our obedience to plant churches and reach the unchurched.   Our lives are a ripple effect.  We will never know how our obedience to the Lord caused ripples in the kingdom...

But obedience has always come with a price.

Obedience is better than sacrifice...but obedience often requires sacrifice.

Serving often requires a sacrifice.

But obedience also results in so many blessings.  Blessings that cannot be contained.

Yesterday, a friend said how I have changed the lives and future of my adopted girls.   But, oh, how they have changed me too.  Changed my future.  Changed my views on things.  Deepened my belief in God and His healing power.  I am not the same person I was ten years ago before I made this journey into raising children I did not give birth to.  They have taught me so much about what love really is.  What love and family really means.

I also never would have thought I would be celebrating 25 years of marriage in Belize.  Some friends in the church are throwing a party for us.  It will be different than a party in an air conditioned church building.  It will be better.  We will have it at a friend's restaurant...outside.   We will probably watch the sunset at the party.  The kids will run around in the yard, all good friends.  I will probably sweat a little, but so will everyone else:)  I will enjoy fresh Belizean fruits and Lee will enjoy yummy homemade desserts.  No running to Kroger to pick something up here.

I miss many of our American comforts, but in almost seven years, I have also gotten accustomed to so many beautiful ways of the Belizean people.  I feel like things are just more special and appreciated here.   Because things take more effort.

Since I have been home, I have recovered so well.  I have been pretty low key.  The nights have been cool.  The days haven't been too bad on the scale of sweat:)   God is good and definitely my healer.

Surgery Again?

You can just be going along and out of nowhere, life happens.

About a month ago, we had just returned home from the states.   It was a busy time for me.  Moving things around as all the girls moved rooms.  Going through things Tori left behind.  Going through clothes we had all outgrown or didn't need any longer.  It was a very busy time.  Cleaning the house and restocking groceries.

I had gone to my Net Thursday night.  Just getting back into the routine.

Friday morning, I woke up around 2 or 3 with pain.  I walked.  Drank tea.  Prayed for the pain to pass.  But it kept getting worse.  I couldn't lie down and rest.  Finally, around 5, I woke up Lee and told him I was worried something was really wrong.  Such intense pain in my side...that just wouldn't go away.

After talking to my mom, we began a very difficult journey just to get a sonogram and some pain meds.  We were unable to get a good sonogram until after 11am.  So all of the hours between 3 and 12 were some of the hardest I have been through in a long time.   I repeatedly threw up and the pain would just not budge, even with two shots of pain meds.  I have never cried out to the Lord so much.  Yet, I begged Him for just some relief.  At one point, I felt the Lord tell me, "There's healing in the water."  This is Biblical, but also from one of my favorite songs.  So, I filled the tub and got about 20 minutes of relief.  It was short in the span of time, but I was thankful.  Because God is compassionate and merciful.

Finally, at noon, after finding a stone in the duct of my gall bladder (which is why it was so painful), Lee took me to a brand new clinic here in Belmopan.  The Doctor I am familiar with, and she was so compassionate.  I was so weak that I literally collapsed on the bed, no longer having the strength to stand.  She gave me some heavy pain meds, and antibiotic and fluids.  I was finally able to sleep.  I slept from noon until about 6 the next morning.  I woke a few times but it was a very good rest.  I was thankful Lee was able to stay in the other bed in the room, so that I wasn't alone.

It was decided that the best thing was for me to fly home to Houston.  My family is there, so they could help take care of me and we have insurance there.

The Lord was in that decision.

I arrived at my parents around 9 pm on Saturday and set up a surgeon for Sunday morning.  But by midnight, the pain had "shifted" to my lower abdomen and I began running a fever.  I had a hard time walking, but felt I needed to tell my parents to go ahead and take me to the hospital.

After about 8 hours and many, many tests, it was discovered that I had an even more serious problem with one of my ovaries.  It was the Lord that I was in a place where they would find this.  The surgeon was able to take care of both things at the same time.

My parents took excellent care of me and I healed pretty quickly.   Since I have been home, my girls have been so great helping with things around the house, just happy for mom to be back home.


In everything, I always try to understand, WHY?

I am thankful and blessed that I was able to go for excellent medical care in Houston.  But I am also thankful for what the doctor here in Belmopan did for me.   I am mostly grateful for her and her nurses, who were full of compassion.  I am grateful for family that serves us.  My parents in taking care of me.  Wayne and Jodie picking me up from the airport and bringing my older kids for the surgery.  To see their faces brought me such peace.  Just having people around me.  And the way people here in Belize served my husband and girls with meals.  It meant more than I could ever say.

One thing that I did not know what how my diet would have to change without a gall bladder.

But can I tell you?  I feel better than I have in years!!!

I eat very low fat, no caffeine (yes, I have not had a coke in a month), little dairy.

But I am surviving.   Thriving.  I have so much energy.  I sleep so great now.  I walk with the girls and that has also given me energy.  I rarely have headaches now.  I could go on and on.  I just feel so great.  It is amazing how your diet actually does affect you!


Please continue to pray for our family.  We are in the final time of waiting for our Belizean citizenship.  We are also in the end stages of adoption of two of our girls.  We pray for these things every day.  Sometimes the waiting is so hard.  When there literally is nothing we can do, but trust the Lord.  But it is in those times, that He gets to show off, right?

Maybe you are waiting for something.

I love this song because in the waiting, He is There!!!


Take Courage

Family Photos

We have been so blessed to have amazing photographers in our lives.  I love photos.  I love to look back at how the kids have changed, grown.  I love the memories.  Taking the photos requires a lot of patience, though.  And this year, getting seven people to cooperate, Alice Salinas deserves a medal.

I wanted to share a few of the photos.

Our family doesn't necessarily look like everyone else's family...but I think our family is beautiful!!!

Leaving Tori for College

Three years ago, we took Josh to college.  Thankfully  my parents came and drove me back to Houston.  I could not have done it.  Josh has thrived and we are so proud of him.  But I still miss him being here.  When he arrived home from his mission trip to India, he was sick, and I was glad that Lee and I were there to take him to the doctor.  Because even when your child is grown, they are still your baby.  The three weeks we had together as a family were such a blessing to me.  Josh being with all of the girls...just brought so much joy and laughter.  We were complete for those weeks.

But then we came back to Katy, and it was time to pack up and come back to Belize.  Monday night, there were many tears as we spent time in our room with all five of our kids.  Speaking words of encouragement, but also sadness, as Tori would not return with us.  But knowing that growing up is part of having a child.  Yes, we know that they cannot live with us forever.  But the pain of missionary life is that I have to leave her several months early so that she can learn to drive in America.  The pain that I can't just drive and see her when I miss her...or if she misses me.  But I am thankful that I will get to go in August to take her to college.  And that Wayne and Jodie will be there to drive me back to Houston:)  I am so thankful for a brother and sister in law that have taken in my two oldest children.  That they are working with her to drive, help her find a job, be there for her when it is hard.

One thing of living on the mission field, is that it has taught me to treasure time with people.  With friends.  With family.  With my children.  Because time is so precious and goes so fast.

What God is Speaking to Me

The trip home to Texas was awesome.  Having my whole family together for Convention and the trip to Washington, D.C., was an incredible blessing to this mama's heart.

One theme that stood out to me from a lot of the speakers was that God asks us to the craziest things.  Things that people around us quite often don't understand.  When we go back to Katy, I often feel that people still wonder how we could have left...such an awesome church and community and being so close to all of our family.  But obedience to God sometimes means giving up those comforts to pour into people you would never meet in your community.  That doesn't mean our obedience to what God has called us to is easy.  Or that Lee and I are "saints".  It is a battle I often have to fight.  Even getting on the plane to come back.  It would be so much easier for me to just stay in Texas.  Leaving my two older kids is HARD.  Leaving my dad who is sick is heartbreaking.  But I know we have to finish the things God has started here in Belize.  Because I do feel and know that what we have brought is different and people's lives have been changed.  People who were unsaved or mediocre in their walk with the Lord are now stepping up to full time ministry  And that makes my heart overflow.  And that makes the almost seven years we have been here worth it.

Many places we went, people would ask, "you are adopting another one?"  As if, we just find children by the road and decide to bring them home.  Of course, that is not what people mean, but it feels that way.  We did not come to Belize with any intention to adopt more children.  My and Lee's heart was completely full with the three children we were blessed with in Texas.  But two times, God has spoken very strongly, to once again to step out in adoption.  Of two very specific girls.  And our lives are all the fuller because of it.  Their lives are completely different than they would have been if we had not stepped out.  Many girls who are in children's homes who are never adopted, "age out", and are pregnant within the first year, repeating a very broken cycle.   Lee and I cannot change the world.  But God can use our lives to change the lives of a few children.  Just like we cannot save the world, but we can impact the small nation of Belize.   Sometimes what God asks of us, others will never understand.  Sometimes people think its easy for us.  But it is not.  We are just like everyone else.  

Coming home to Belize has been....many things.   Sad, as we clear out Tori's room.  Frustrating, as we have had car trouble ever since we got here.  Heartbreaking, as we deal with a situation in the church.  BUT ALSO...  Exciting, as we see what God has been doing behind the scenes in our leaders.  Comforting, as we get to come back to all the Belizean food we miss in America.  Refreshing, as we clean out and move around the rooms.   Going from seven to five people, the house feels so BIG now!!   Hot, our first night, was the worst in a long time and none of us could sleep.

Belize will always be a special place in our lives.  Even as we someday release the church to the Belizean pastor, we will definitely always need to come back.  Having two Belizean girls, it made my heart so happy to buy some local Meat Pies and Panades for them yesterday after we took Elizabeth to the airport.   And Erika thinks she's Belizean:)

I'll love you even if...

I'm a missionary.   I'm a mom.   I'm a wife.   I'm a teacher.   And three of my children were born from other women.   God is teaching me so much in this journey.   And I feel like He will use it in the future to help others.

Sunday and Monday were very hard days for me.   For one, dry season came in with a fury.   We have had pretty nice weather and then, all of a sudden were hit with 100 degree days and no AC.

Sunday, we also learned of some deception going on with one of our younger girls.   And it involved other friends from church and dance.   After a full day of church service and then baptisms, we had to deal with it, visiting the other families.

The most important thing in our home is truth.   We thought we were getting through.

Monday afternoon, I broke.   I was just so angry.   And hot!   I asked, why, God?    I'm tired.   Overwhelmed.

Tuesday morning, after a good nights sleep, and fresh perspective, I sat her down.    I told her that she broke my heart.   That I thought she was learning to be honest, and then finding out, she really wasn't.   But I also told that I still loved her.   That I still am thankful that God chose me to be her mom.

Mothering the broken stretches you in ways you never thought.   Everything is different than a child who was raised in a healthy home.  Discipline has to be creative.   You have to break things that the enemy has had rule over for years.   And it seems that truth affects every area.  When trust is broken, it touches everything.

But I have a hope.   And His name is Jesus.   And that Jesus chose Lee and I to parent these children and teach them to come to Him.  And although I often feel ill equipped in this journey, I see that He is constantly working behind the scenes.

Grief

Unfortunately, grief is something I have learned so much about in the past six years.  I have experienced it on a deeper level, closer level, here in my time in Belize.  I have seen people lose children.  It is heartbreaking.  And even with Jesus, it is such a deep loss.  I have seen children lose parents...in that they could never go again go home.  That is a very real loss and the child grieves deeply.  I have watched people walk through the pain of divorce.   After many years of marriage.  But I have also seen God be there in the midst of each of those journeys.

I have learned that grief hits in waves.  It affects all of us differently.  Hopefully, there eventually comes healing and a new hope.  And hopefully we will use that journey to be understanding to others.  Hopefully, we will use that journey as a time to grow in Him deep deep roots.

I have walked through my own journey of grief.   You see there is a grief in being called from your home to serve somewhere else.  I am sure that soldiers must also experience it.  I remember when we first had to sell our house, all of our "stuff", it was so heartbreaking.  Yes, I wanted to be obedient to Jesus.  But the loss is real.  I do not have a home to come home to anymore.  My home is now in Belize.  But when I am in the states, I have to stay with other people or hotels.  But the positive of this, is that this has also been such a special time.   Time that we would never have had.  Having to depend on our families to take us in.  It has made us closer and made us more appreciative of what we have.  It has made our time in the states a time where we really get to be with family.  We are not bound to a house to take care of.

Also, coming to Belize was a journey of rebuilding.  When we first moved here, noone knew us.  People were not always welcoming and friendly.  Even spoke things about us that were not true.  We had to build a church but also had to build a reputation.  That was so hard.  We were loved in Katy.  Everyone knew us.  So there was a grief of coming and being a "nobody".  Even untruths spoken about us.  But even that, God has redeemed.  I still don't care to be known, perse, but welcomed, yes.  As we drive around, everyone knows us in this little city.  We know people from the mayor to those who struggle deeply in life.  Our family coming to Belize has touched many people's lives.  I don't say that to brag.  I say that there was deep purpose in God calling us here.  Sometimes, we need to be reminded of that.

Coming to Belize, I had to give up being Pastor's wife at a church where we were deeply loved and blessed.  A church where the staff was family.  A church where the congregation walked out the journey of us adopting Erika.  Erika was the church's baby.  There was deep grief and loss to have to leave Life Church.  But if I had not come here, I would not be who I am now.  The experiences I have walked through these past years have aged me, both physically and spiritually.  My faith in God has grown to such a deep place.  So even when it hurts, I know somehow He will pull us through.  He has brought me to a place that I can lead a small group, or even preach in front of the whole church.  Both are challenges still to me, but I can do it...with His help.  I recently went through something that I told my Net Leader about.   I told her that the Old Robyn would have called and said I was sick rather than face what I had to face.  But the new TRUSTING in JESUS deeply Robyn showed up.  It took me an afternoon of worship to get there, but I just trusted Him.  And He gave me strength.  So, maybe my life is not cushy like it was in the states, but I do feel that my ministry is so much deeper here.

One more area of grief, that probably most don't think about.  Sending my kids to the states for college.  It is the right decision.  After years of being homeschooled, they need to be educated in a good University.  We are so blessed.  SAGU has been such a good home for Josh.  He is anxious for Tori to join him.   I am so happy for her too.  A little nervous, as she has not had the experience driving that she needs.  But I am excited to watch her bloom like we have seen Josh do.  But there is deep sadness for me.  And for her.  We are very close.  She is my best friend (after Lee).  She helps me in all ways.  Plus we talk about everything.  I am sure we will still message each other all the time on Facebook.  But it will not be the same.  And being here, I cannot just make a quick trip to see her.  So there is grief.  Of losing my baby girl.  And being so far away here in Belize.  But I hold on to the things he has done in me and in her in Belize.  And I believe He will continue this amazing work in her...with a little space from her mama;)

Sunday, our worship service was amazing.  We had guests here who just led us into a deep time of worship and many were ministered to at the altars afterward.  After church, we headed to Placencia, a peninsula down south.  Lee's parents are here and just treated us to a wonderful night away.  We are so blessed to have families who pour into us and love us.  It helps us to keep going.  They support us and encourage us.  We are just so blessed!!!

Today is a pivotal day in our family.  The case worker is supposed to go to court and terminate our littlest mom's rights.  It will be a day of grief.  I will dress her in a pretty dress and take her to say goodbye.   I am dreading this day, yet ready for it to come.  Because in the grief, I know Jesus will be there.  And then she can begin to truly bloom.  She needs the certainty of her future.  And right now her future is still unknown.  And that is a hard place for a little girl to be.