Uncertainty

Uncertainty is a hard place to be.  Sometimes we wish we knew the future.   That we could plan or get excited if we knew what was going to happen.   But sometimes I think the reason God doesn't show it all to us is because we are not ready yet.   

Recently I had a lazy day where I stayed in my pjs all day and watched home videos from our early years of marriage.   I did cook two meals, but sometimes you just need to relax and I did.   Anyway, I had this sweet little baby boy.   If you would have told me that twenty years into the future, I would have five children, I would not have believed it.    Living in Belize?    No way.  Homeschooling?  Never.  

God only reveals to us what we can handle at the time.   And then gives us the tools as we walk through each new challenge.   

If I would have known the journey moving to Belize would have been, I would have refused to come.   Refused to give up my comfortable life.   But looking back.   Six years into this journey....I wouldn't trade it.   I've grown in ways I never would have.   I've learned things about myself.   And although we definitely did not come to Belize to adopt, God has brought two little girls into our family who desperately needed a family.  

This next year entails lots of change.   We don't know all the details of this next year.   But one day at a time, He walks with us through our uncertainties.  

He walks with us...

This blog is in one way, a journal.  Something I can look back at someday.  How God was with us through it all.  My heart's desire is to someday write a book about how the Lord led us to foster and adopt and to the mission field.  He has taught me so many things in both of these journeys.  I am not the same person I was 10 years ago.

Fostering is not for the faint of heart.  Sometimes it would be easier to just give up and walk away.  But then God has this gentle way of reminding us that He has called us to take care of these children.  That He places the lonely in families.

Foster care is a broken system.  Both of my older daughters are drawn to it, though.  I pray the Lord will use them to bring health.

Broken children from broken homes come with unhealthy habits.  Parenting these children requires a lot of patience.  And this week has been hard.  When a child grows up with nothing, they never learn to value and take care of things.  This is our biggest struggle right now.  And knowing how, as healthy parents, to teach these things to a child who just doesn't get it.

Sunday, the Lord was very present in our worship.  He spoke powerful things to me for my older girls and then for our newest one as well.  He reminded me that He is with us.  That He put her in our home because we are her family.  He filled me with love for her once again.  Then as soon as church finished, there was another incident.  Another broken object because of neglect.  So Lee and I decided to just get away for a night.  It was the healthiest thing we could have done.  Just to focus on our marriage, other things.  Take a break.

We are still in the middle of it.  But we are also reminded that God heals.  That families stick together and work it through.  We don't give up on our kids.  We just keep pushing through.  Keep lovingly correcting.  And keep praying.  After all, God doesn't give up on us...

This song really ministered to me on Sunday.  I know the Lord definitely uses music to speak to me.  I wanted to share the lyrics, because we are all on a journey.

"Shepherd"

In the process
In the waiting
You're making melodies over me
And your presence
is the promise
For I am a pilgrim on a journey

You will lift my head above the mighty waves
You are able to keep me from stumbling
And in my weakness
you are the strength that comes from within
Good shepherd of my soul
Take my hand and lead me on

You make my footsteps and my path secure
So walking on water is just the beginning
Cause my faith to arise, stand at attention
For You are calling me to greater things

Oh
how I love You
how I love You
You have not forsaken me
Oh
How I love You
how I love You
With you is where I want to be

If you want to listen to it..

It seems like when we go through times when we need God the most, need His answers...that is when we are also most in tune with what He is saying....

Listening to what Daddy God is teaching me....

Foster care Advocate

I seem to have become an advocate for those looking into fostering and adopting.  I realize that my non-biological children now outnumber my biological ones.   Sometimes this life I lead still surprises me.   I'm not an expert by any means and feel some days that I am just treading water...

This morning the recurring theme the Lord is speaking to me is that being a mom is enough.   That raising kids who bloom into adults that are healthy and a blessing to those around them is enough.   We just had a too short visit with Josh.   I'm biased, of course, but he is such a wonderful young man. My times with him are so short now but I see his growth and maturity.   And of course I love him like he still is the baby boy I prayed for so many years ago.

Tori and I walked this morning.  Her time under our roof is so short.  I wish I could will time to slow down.   Normally I look forward to going to the states each year.  This year I dread it so deeply.  She is an amazing young woman who blesses me so much.  She is a great big sister.   Last night she took the two youngest on her weekly babysitting job so they could play with the kids.  The girls had a blast.   She always does fun crafts with the girls.  I will miss her creativity.   She never ceases to amaze me.   I will also just miss her companionship.

Then there is Kailey.   The quietest one in the house.  Last night, just her and I watched a movie together.   There was just this sweetness about that time.   I know things will change when she becomes the oldest.  I love watching her bloom.  Yesterday, she did amazing on an English test.  In fact, I think it's her best subject (just like me).   I told her how amazing that was because English is not her first language.   I love seeing how far she has come in so many areas.  I'm so blessed to get to be her mama.

Then I have two ten year olds.  In so many ways, it's a blessing.  They keep the house alive.   They have constant companions in each other.  They are both bright and both strong girls.  God saved my biggest challenge for last, after I had some practice with the others.

My newest girl often speaks of wanting us to adopt her.  We are willing butvneed things to happen beyond our control.   She speaks and writes creole, which is not proper English.   It can be a challenge to allow her to keep her culture, yet be properly educated.   Erika has picked up creole with her living with us!

This morning, working with her in her English pace was excruciating.   I Honestly felt like giving up.   But then she tested and made a 97!!!   That was a big deal.   She is a bright girl, who can go far in life.   In her, I see the advantages of homeschooling because I'm able to catch her up so much more quickly.

Erika has become a much calmer girl over the past months.  As a parent, we watch things closely.  I want each of my children to thrive.  I cannot solve all of their problems and sometimes have to just encourage them as they figure things out.   Not knowing exactly how she felt about sharing the spot as youngest, I was so blessed of the sweetest things she told Larisha on her birthday.   About how she always wanted a sister her age.  How she loves having a friend all the time.  It brought tears to my eyes.  How God asks us to do things sometimes that seem crazy.  But when He is in it, His blessings abound.

All of this to say, a friend contacted me to pray as her family begins exploring fostering children.  I had so much I could tell her.  But didn't want yo say too much.  Or too little.  It's a crazy journey.  My life is often a circus.   But I wouldn't trade it for the world.  

One more story...our newest girl is a very loving girl.   She called us mom and dad almost immediately.   This morning, she was lying beside me reading while I was grading work.   I asked her if she knew I loved her.   She said, "of course I do.   You tell me all the time!"    And gave me a big hug.  I love this that she knows she's loved.  Especially because she definitely receives the most correction.   I'm also thankful that she hears it all the time.   If nothing else, I want my children to know they are loved and wanted...whether they came from my womb or not.