The Power of the Human Touch

One of many lessons I have learned in the past weeks, or have been reminded of, is how important it is to touch people.   Especially during times of hurting. 

I have been covered in prayer by many these past weeks, but I've also had people come see me.  It's amazing how much it meant to see my parents waiting for me at the airport, hugging my son the weekend before surgery, and grabbing my husband's hand as I was wheeled into my room after surgery.   I am so blessed to have a Christian doctor who grabbed my hand to pray with me before she operated, a lady named Carrie, who checked me in and then came and prayed for me before surgery and checked on me after.   I had close friends who visited and waited with my family in the waiting room.  And of course my family.  

In this age of technology, I can talk to my kids through the Internet, see their faces, tell my husband I miss him.  But what technology can't do is let me hold my almost 9 year old close to me or hug my older girls.  I will have to wait to go home for that.   I have a new sympathy for those who are serving overseas.   I already know how hard it is to be separated physically from my parents and siblings, nieces and nephews.   I know what it is to send my first born to college.   But being separated from my younger children and especially my husband is so much harder than I could have ever imagined.  It has made me only fall deeper in love with him.   And although his time with me was short, I am so thankful he was here on my roughest days.  His very presence brought such comfort.  

I am thankful for my parents.  They have served me, taken care of me, run me places I needed to go.  They have loved me while I'm away from home.  

I've been blessed with people bringing treats and meals and flowers.  I've been loved by the body of  Christ.  My mother in law is blessing me by taking care of my family in Belize.   This is no small task.  

I am recovering every day but am still weak.  But I know that it will only get better from here and am thankful.  

I'm reminded the next time I know someone is hurting or sick how powerful even a simple visit will be.   God created us to love and be there for each other.  Something technology cannot replace.  

Coming before the Lord

Today began all my preparations or my final preparations for surgery.  I've only had two surgeries, both emergency.  I had an appendectomy when I was 19 and a few years later a c-section.  I went through prep but not like this.  I've had two weeks plus of thinking through my surgery.  And now 24 hours of more intense prep.  

As we gathered the things I needed and the nurse went over my preparation, I couldn't help but relate it to how we need to come to the Lord.  

I am on a liquid diet until midnight then nothing at all until surgery.   Coming to the Lord in times of fasting.  Sacrificing food for the benefit of God pouring into us.  Like I am sacrificing food and drink in preparation for the surgeon operating on me.  

I have to take two showers with special cleansers in preparation for surgery.  Do we thoroughly clean our hearts before we approach our Father God?   Before we minister in His name?  I admit that I have not always done this.  

Then, when I go to the hospital, I am to go in comfortable clothes, no jewelry, no make up, no lotion, no nail polish...all the things that cover me up.  I am to go vulnerable and comfortable, ready for the surgery.  Nothing hindering me.  Much like how we enter the house of worship.  We need to lay down our burdens, our problems with others, the concerns of this world and just worship Him and fellowship with others truly loving them like Jesus does. 

This has been a hard time for my family, yet God continually is showing us He is with us.  Little miracles along the way.  Divine appointments.  He has put people who love the Lord everywhere I turn.  He has put me with parents who are nurses to help me physically regain my strength for surgery, but who also are supporting me and encouraging me. 

I miss my husband and girls more than I can convey.   But I have had time to rest that I have not had in years.  I have had time with the Lord where He has my full attention and I'm not distracted by laundry and housework.  He is pouring into me and reminding me of the important things.   He is restoring areas of my life.  My heart.   

I would never choose this.  Being here away from my children who need me.  But I feel like Jesus has given me permission to take care of myself.  Let Him heal me.   Then I can go home whole and better than before. 

Grateful

In just a few days, we will celebrate Thanksgiving.  This will be the first Thanksgiving I've had in the states in five years.  It is tinged with sadness, though, because I won't be with my children or husband. But I am grateful I will be with my parents and extended family.  I may even get to see my son this weekend.  There definitely will be tears if that happens.  

My thoughts turn to what I am thankful for.  I live in a third world country where people die from routine surgeries.  Not all of them, but it happens.  I am grateful that we have health insurance.  I am grateful that I have family to take me in and care for me while I wait for surgery and then as I heal from the surgery.  I am grateful for a husband who values me getting good medical care and is sacrificing right now.  For children I normally care for, who are now learning to do laundry and cook and clean themselves.  I'm also grateful to Elizabeth and my mother in law for helping keep life going in Belize.  

This has been a season of rest for me.  Not having the regular things to do each day.  It has also been a special time with my parents.  We have missed these times with us living so far away.  And now that I have a son in college far away from me, I understand so much more.  We have our children, they are exhausting work to raise, but then they are on their own and we would do anything to have them back in our home again.  

I am grateful that we have family in Belize and family in Texas.  And that in both places, there are people walking beside us in this unexpected season.  

I am Not Alone

Sunday morning, we sang this song, I am Not Alone.  I wept through it all.  I have felt very alone lately.  Not because of anyone letting me down.  Actually, people have showered me with love and support.  But I have had to make a decision to go to the states and seek medical attention.  It is a decision I have wrestled over.  And Sunday, I knew I needed to go.  It was time.  And so I wept.  Thinking of missing my kids and husband.  Thinking of missing my youngest's birthday.  Thinking of missing the Holidays with them.  Because that is probably the hardest part of it all for me.

I have prayed and prayed for God to heal me.  But I also know that sometimes God uses doctors.  And I have come to a place where more invasive things must be done and would rather be in my home country.  I hear news reports so often here in Belize.  Rats getting in an incubator of a newborn baby, a woman dying of a c-section, a young girl who went from hospital to hospital and every one of them missing her appendix needing to be removed, ending in her death.  So in wisdom, I feel I must go home.

Please pray for our family over these next months.  I am walking in faith.  I have no idea how long I will be gone.  And that is the hardest part.  How do you prepare to leave your children when you don't know if it will be two weeks or two months until you see them again?  I am thankful for my in-laws coming to help Lee and thankful for my parents who will take care of me in Texas. 

Please pray for special moments over these next few weeks.  Last night, I read books with Erika in her bed.  She is so big, yet still my baby.  She acts tough, but I know she will miss me...and I will miss her.  Tori and Kailey both have birthdays coming over the next couple of weeks.  I pray for special connections before I leave.  The burden of housework and cooking will fall on them some and I know they are not excited about that.  But I also know they want a mama who is well.

Please pray for wisdom as my doctor sees me.  For favor in getting whatever surgeries I need. I do believe the Lord walks before me and is preparing things I don't even know.   

Bible Study

I am just beginning Beth Moore's "Beloved Disciple" Study and Love it.  It is so powerful how Jesus chooses to be in relationship with us.  He is for us.  He is constantly using the things in our life to teach us powerful things.  So that we can pass those truths on.

Psalm 25:14 says, "The secret of the Lord is with those who fear Him,

And He will show them His covenant."

Well, I want to walk close enough to Jesus to know His secrets.

Ecclesiastes 3:11 says that He has made everything beautiful in His time...

Yesterday was our first day off from school.  We just all need a little break sometimes.  We woke up very early in the morning to go and support the opening of the Foursquare school in Cayo.  Then after an early lunch, we headed to the pool.

Kailey and I had an entire afternoon of just "connecting".  It was a very special moment that I didn't want to end.  She talked, I talked.  We just connected on a very deep level, and I am so grateful.  This morning as I do this study, I feel the message is very powerful and relevant.

"I truly believe that if we're willing to see, God uses every difficulty and assignment to confide deep things to us and that the lessons are not complete until their beauty has been revealed."--Beth Moore

Yesterday, as I visited with my third child, much of God's beauty was revealed.  A year ago right now was not a fun time in my life.  I felt God had called me to too difficult an assignment.  But now, looking back, I see that every difficulty or inconvenience or hard thing was worth it.

Something as an adoptive parent that is a struggle for me is why?  Why didn't God connect me to Erika and Kailey right at their birth.  I could have saved so much heartache.  It would have been so much easier.  But that was not God's plan in either of their lives.  And He will use those things, those hard things, to grow deep compassion and empathy within their hearts.

Recently, Tori (first), then Kailey, have both shared that they want to be social workers when they grow up.  Why?  Because they both know the importance of good ones.  Their life experiences have formed what they want to do in life.  They want to help children who need it.  They want to find families that are good for those children.  And this blesses my heart so deeply.

The other thing is at camp this weekend and when we visited the school, Kailey expressed thankfulness to me because of her opportunities.  She told me how smart she is now because of being homeschooled (yes, it is a little funny, but cool as well).  She told me yesterday if she would have not come to us, she would not have gone to high school.  It was just how it was.  She was always told that.  And that makes me sad to think about.  She is such a smart girl and I believe will be successful into college.  I am sad that she had to endure loss to be a part of our family, but thankful that we are able to change her future (with God's help).

We also talked about when the Lord told us to adopt her.  What a supernatural experience it was for us.  She said at that time, she only knew Tori.  She is who stood out to her and who she liked.  Isn't that the coolest thing?  Because it was when Tori was 11 years old, that God gave her a vision of Kailey coming into our family.

This afternoon, I will once again head to do the Bible Study at Hope for Life.  I am praying for it not to be raining, as that is right when it is supposed to hit.  And I want who is supposed to be there, to be able to make it.

Make sure you spend some time in God's Word today.  It is so powerful.

Exciting

It has been 95 degrees and higher inside my house for the last couple of weeks.  It is still 90 when we go to bed, but it feels cool after the heat of the day.  I have been taking a lot of cool showers and drinking a lot of water.  But this heat is exhausting.  The temps drop throughout the night.  We have a thermometer on the air conditioner in our room that we never use...and I get happy as I see the temps go down.  This morning I did not get up early.  I just laid in bed since it is cooler and enjoyed...because I knew the heat of the day would soon set in.

Yesterday, we celebrated 1 year of Hope for Life.  It is a Pregnancy Help Center that my friend, a fellow missionary, began.  We have had several ladies from LifeNet volunteer and our church family supports the center in any way we can.

This picture is when my mom came in November and visited the center.

The board members and volunteers had a lunch to celebrate yesterday.  As we were on the front porch, enjoying our nachos, the fellow volunteers and board members shared what they have learned over the past year.  I felt bad when they came to me, because my volunteer position is to lead the Bible Study each week.  A year ago, I went for several weeks in a row and noone ever came.  I would stand at the front door and pray.   I would walk around the little house and pray.  But noone ever came.  So, we decided for me to just hold on to the Bible Study until we had more clients.  About a month ago, I was going through some things in my room and found the Study...and decided to give it back to Jadine.  My room is so full of homeschool, children's church and personal books, I was afraid I would lose it.  It wasn't a week later and Jadine messaged me with excitement and asked if I was ready to begin the study.  She felt we had some clients who would be willing to come.  Just as a side note, they earn "bucks" for attending and can shop for baby clothes and diapers.  But that is good because I think rewarding them for making an effort to come is worth it.

A couple weeks ago, we began.  I think we had four students, some with babies or family members.  Last week, I was sick.  Just too sick to be able to teach.  So yesterday, I was excited to see who would come.  In all, we ended up have five clients.  Three were pregnant, two had newborns.  Plus a couple of family members.  Tori went with me as well and snapped a picture for the Hope for Life newsletter. She goes, so that if there are older children who need to be watched, she is available to play with them.  I appreciate her being there so much. I greatly distorted the picture for the women's privacy.  But I wanted to share a pic, just because pictures are powerful.

All of the women who are attending are more fluent in Spanish.  I have lived in Belize a long time and get by fine with my English, but never have wished so much that I was fluent in Spanish as well.  Just as you share the things of the Lord, it would be so much easier to speak in their native tongue.  Even with Kailey, so often I wish I could converse in Spanish with her.

One other funny story that happened earlier at the lunch that I wanted to share.  One of the Board Members is teaching Lamaze to the pregnant women.  She said it is ironic because she actually had 3 C-sections.  But Jadine's daughter was there and shared how what she taught her was so beneficial as she recently gave birth.  Then the board members began sharing how all these videos of birth, and diagrams, etc, were so graphic.  That they had never experienced things like that before.  I laughed and said, well, I grew up in a home with a mother who taught Lamaze, so remember seeing them and wouldn't think a thing of it.  It is just natural when your parents are nurses.  Well, the other Board Member began laughing and said, "Robyn, it is YOUR MOM who gave us all this stuff!!!"   It was funny, but also blessed me that even though my mother is far away, she had a definite impact on this little center when she came in November.

So, please pray for me if you think of it as I prepare.  I am trying to get some of the scriptures translated into Spanish.  I have such an opportunity to pour Jesus into these women.  I am so thankful and so honored.

Visiting the Ketchi Net

There are many things our family sacrifices in our obedience to serve in Belize.  Sometimes we handle it well.  Sometimes we don't.

Recently, Lee decided to start rotating around to the other NetGroups besides the one that meets here.  And so Erika and I will be joining him on these rotations.  Then, when he stays here with the young adults, Erika and I will return to our Net.

This past Thursday, we were going to visit a group in Maya Mopan.  I did not voice my complaints that were shouting inside my head.  I was resistant to go for very selfish, spoiled reasons.  Lets just say it was out of my comfort zone in many ways.  But I prayed through and asked the Lord to change my attitude.  Erika was also resistant, as it is a different situation, where she would need to stay in the Net, and not go off to play with the kids.

As we were getting ready, I still was carrying some inward apprehensions.  What if I needed to use the restroom?  I didn't want to get bit up...Dengue Fever is very bad right now.  And I am always the one to get bit, even with spray on me.  Or worse yet, I didn't want Erika to get sick.  What if it was so uncomfortably hot?  So many things.

But as we got there, we were warmly welcomed.  They were so happy we had come.  It was actually much, much cooler than my house, out in the village.  And Erika was great.

One thing I really enjoyed was just observing the culture out in the village versus the culture within the city limits.  The parents did not bring toys or cups. The babies/toddlers just nursed on and off throughout the night until they fell asleep and slept on the hard floor.  The children were all very well behaved and participated.  The Net was almost entirely in Ketchi, with Feliciano translating here and there.  The people gave testimonies and then sang a song with all their heart.  This is how the entire two hours went.  Giving praise to God for what He has done, then singing.  There were a couple requests to God, but mostly it was thanks.  Many of the testimonies were about Lee.  We do not want the people to look to Lee as their God, but I don't think they were.  They were moreso saying how he goes above and beyond to serve.  Even going way into the jungle the previous Thursday to pray for one of the families daughters...late at night.  And she was supernaturally healed.  They appreciated that Lee cared for their family.

I had many emotions, especially during the times when I didn't understand the words being said.  I just sat and looked around.  Thankful that God called us here.  To unite this group of people who draw strength from God and one another.  You see, we have been here almost five years, and I have never been to this Net Group.  Other Missionaries have assisted, but primarily it has been done by Belizeans that we have poured into.  We pour into the leaders and the leaders pour into the people.

So, yes, there are many sacrifices.  We live far away from family...and my son.  We sweat ALOT.  Life is harder for us here than in the states.  But going to that Net put it all in perspective.

Seasons

We are constantly in different seasons of our life.  We look back on our life and think, that was a good time.  Things were so easy back then.  But we don't usually remember the hard things about that time.  Sometimes in our most fulfilling seasons, we don't even realize until we look back.  And sometimes our hardest, darkest seasons, where there seems to be no hope, we look back and think, "Wow, that wasn't too bad...and God was with us every step of the way..."

Sometimes I feel like being a homeschooling mom here in Belize is so much harder than if we were in the states.  It is harder to find extra things for the girls to do.  If we have trouble, it just seems harder to connect with other homeschooling families that can help.  Its hot...and there is no ac, so physical activities are hard.   Even getting all the schoolwork done when sweat is pouring down your back is a serious challenge for the girls.

But then I read something and am reminded how blessed I am to be in this season.  To be able to homeschool my girls.  Its not perfect, by any means.  But it is the best solution for their education in this season.  I get more time with them than if I sent them off somewhere.  And their time with us is really so short.

I talked to Josh today.  That always makes me happy.  But it also reminds me that we did some things right in parenting him.  He works hard, is responsible.  He is a son to be proud of.

I had a conversation with Tori today.  She was upset about a moral decision some people we know had made.  I told Lee to be proud...  The morals we have instilled in her run deep.  She has a great understanding of what a life in ministry means.  And that our walk with the Lord affects others around us.   And she brought the subject up to me, not the other way around.

Kailey has only lived with us for a year, but already I see how Jesus has placed her with us.  That we have this amazing opportunity to mold her to the ways of Christ.  Not religious, but a deep relationship with Him.  I have seen her come so far in the past year in so many areas.  And homeschooling her is the best.  If we sent her away to school, we would be a very small part of her life.  But we get to be with her most of the time.  Her entire idea of family is completely different.  Not because we are perfect, but because we are healthy.

And Erika...our Biggest little girl in the house.  God placed her in our family.  I look at pictures when she was a little baby and never could have imagined her vocabulary as an 8 year old.  Seriously, often I have to remind myself how old she is.  But God has placed her with us...so we would push her and challenge her.  This year in school is very challenging for her.  But the thing is, even when she is frustrated, she can do it.  And that is a blessing of her being homeschooled.  Her fullest potential can be reached.

Last weekend, Lee performed a very fancy wedding on a hill at a mansion overlooking Belmopan.  I seriously felt like I was in a  movie.  At the reception, they had seated us with the Mayor.  I really do not know him that well.  He is young 30's and Lee meets with him most weeks.  Sitting and chatting small talk...like you do with someone you don't really know...actually really blessed me.  I could see what a blessing Lee has been in his life.  He said several times that he has a lot in common with Lee.  It made my heart swell with pride that God has used my husband to be a blessing in this community and nation.  And how blessed that I get to be his wife.:)

So the days are sometimes long.  Some days I get so frustrated and overwhelmed by many things.  And God gently reminds me that He guides our steps.  He is with us in our seasons.  Good, bad, all of it.

Catching Up

Whew!  Its been a while since I was on here.  Life has been busy.

We are halfway through our second week of homeschool.  It is going well, but it is going to be a full year for everyone.  I have two high schoolers and one fifth grader.  

We are also hoping for our girls to grasp guitar this year.  They are required, as part of their school day to practice at least 30 minutes, and then have a group lesson Friday night.  Our heart is that they would be able to play well enough, that they would have portable music anywhere they go in life.  That they could worship and lead in worship wherever the Lord may send them.

This week, Tori and Erika have been attending Spanish for 2 1/2 hours each morning and then coming home and doing school.  They are learning so much and it is really given Tori some understanding that she just couldn't get through her homeschool teacher.  We may even have her continue as the year goes on.  Again, grasping another language is more than just education, but a tool that the Lord can use in their lives.  Kailey, of course, is already bilingual.  And I cannot tell you how many times that has come in handy.

One thing about them being gone each day is that I never have that.  My girls are always with me and are always home.  It has been kind of nice to give Kailey some one -on-one attention while the girls are gone.  And I think it has been fun for them to have someone else pour into them.  And the house is so quiet with Erika gone.:)

So our days have been busy.  I always like to start the school year strong, when the enthusiasm is still high:)  We have definitely started strong and are in a good homeschooling groove.

Josh has been busy working this summer, fitting in a few little trips with Wayne and Jodie's family.  We miss him so much.  Soon, he will head back up to SAGU and start his sophomore year.  We are so proud of him and so thankful that he gets to attend such a great University.  I wish I was the one taking him up and settling him, but am thankful for family who are willing to serve him in this way.

In a few minutes, I will do my first Bible Study for Hope for Life.  It is a Pregnancy Help Center, where women can come and receive help and encouragement.  I am excited to share with them this afternoon.  I am thankful for this ministry in  a country where abortion and unplanned pregnancies are high.

Lately, we have seen miracles left and right.  It has been so exciting and encouraging.  Of course, we  believe we serve a healing God, but seeing it happen time and again have just really increased my faith even more.  

We began a nursery a couple of months ago, and it is going well.  Both Tori and Kailey love serving with the babies.  I love their eagerness.  And I am so thankful for the parents who are able to receive ministry during the services.  It is a blessing for all who are involved.

Alright, time to get ready:)

My Mom is Turning 70

Today my Mom is 70.  Next year, she and my father will celebrate 50 years of marriage.

I asked this summer for pictures so I could prepare something for their anniversary.  But as I scanned the pictures, it was an emotional experience.  Seeing my parents' lives in pictures.  A life before me, raising me, after I left the house.  In 50 years of marriage, 70 years of life, my 18 years at home were just a small portion of my mother's life.

I was able to see where my children and I got our curly hair.

This picture of my mother on her wedding day is the most beautiful picture I have ever seen.  I see true, full joy, marrying a man that she loves even more deeply today.  Theirs is a story of real love.  Committed love.

Or when my Mom and Dad sold most of their belongings and packed up their little family and moved across the country to attend Bible college.  The things she must have been carrying in her heart.  My parents' obedience to Christ...even in leaving everything...their friends, family and home would forever affect my life.  Their willingness to follow Christ impacted my walk with the Lord in such a tremendous way.

And then all her children began leaving the nest.  And we started having our own babies.  Then Mom became Grandma...and she loves those grandbabies.

Its hard when your kids grow up and move away.  But Mom stays busy.  Even into their seventies, my parents still serve the Lord wherever they go.  They may be retired from nursing, but still minister to people in hospitals all the time.  They may be retired from full time ministry, but still love to teach and share about the Lord.

Happy Birthday, Mom!!!

Thank you for teaching me to love the Lord.

And thank you for loving your family...

All I ever wanted to do was be a Mom...

Father's Day Weekend

This weekend we celebrated Lee and the father that he is to our family.  I feel bad his birthday just kind of got passed over with the combination of us being at convention, me not having a car and failing to plan to ahead, and our kids being gone.  So this weekend, the younger girls and I tried to make him feel loved:)

Last night, we ended it with sharing what we love about him (this is a tradition for the birthday person each year).  Tori even participated over Facetime.  But as our younger two began to share, there were many tears.  Tears of gratefulness that they have a godly father.  Realization that God rescued them from a possible ungodly father to give them someone so much better.  Someone who protects them and loves them as his own.  It was a special moment in time.  In the midst of the chaos of life, sometimes it is good to sit down.  Slow down.  Remember the bigger picture.

This is also the word the Lord gave me at church that morning.  Worship was amazing yesterday.  Right before church, I read a comment from a childhood friend about my beautiful family in the video I had made Lee.  The Lord spoke very clearly to me.  "You are living your dream."  " I have given you what you prayed for."  Its so true.  I prayed for a big family.  I prayed for birth children and adopted children.  I prayed to homeschool those kids and be a full time mom.  But in the chaos of life, it is sometimes easy to lose perspective.  With the endless chores that there sometimes are.  With the drama that happens in a house full of girls....it can sometimes be really easy to forget.  Forget that this is what I asked the Lord for.  And He gave me my big family.  My beautiful children.  He allowed me in this season to be home with them.  Every Day.  To be the one who pours into them.

And you know that music always speaks to me the loudest.  My new song that I can't get enough of is Touch the Sky by Hillsong.  The words are just so powerful to me.  

My heart beating, my soul breathing
I found my life when I laid it down
Upward falling, spirit soaring
I touch the sky when my knees hit the ground

Our lives are really meaningless unless we are doing what God has called us to.  

Its when we truly lay our lives down, that God can use us.

If we want to touch heaven, we have to be on our knees....

Touch The Sky (lyric video) - Hillsong UNITED

Back to Normal

Today I woke up early and have been busy so far...  Finally feeling back to normal.

Running errands, cooking, cleaning, getting things ready for a Nursery Meeting on Saturday.  Yesterday, we picked up the girls schoolwork for next year.  So we got that all organized.  I truly have teacher blood because I always get excited about what the girls will learn next year.  I love getting it all organized and ready to go.  But am also thankful it is summer break...

I am sweating, but getting more used to it.  Once again, thankful for the tub Lee had put in a few years ago.  Thankful that nighttime usually brings cooler temps.  And thankful to be back in my own home.  Because this is my normal:)

I really never followed up about Erika.  She is doing fine.  Her ticks lessened tremendously when we went to the states.  Unfortunately, they increased once we got home to Belize.  But I don't feel stressed or worried anymore.  The doctor we took her to told us that 1 in 10 people have a tick sometime in their life.  She said it is not dangerous or hurting Erika.  And that Erika will probably outgrow them as she moves into puberty.  She also said it tends to happen in kids that are really smart...and that Erika is.  She is 8 years old and going into 5th grade next year.  After the doctor visit, I felt much more peaceful.  And they don't seem to bother Erika anymore.  We continue to pray for God to heal her, but trust she is okay if they continue.

Tonight we have Kailey and Erika's ballet recital.  I am really excited.  They have worked hard.  The whole dance is an act of worship unto the Lord.  I love that they are getting this opportunity.  They even got to be on live TV on Tuesday talking about it.  I am busy making brownies for the bake sale tonight and I am sure we will be practicing one last time in the living room this afternoon.  And of course, we have to get their make-up and buns just perfect.  All on top of getting the house clean for Net tonight...but we won't be here.

Yes, I am feeling back to normal.  In my life.  I am no longer adjusting to living in Belize.  It is what I know now.   I am comfortable making dinner for my family, cleaning up after them:), and loving the people of the nation of Belize.

Together

Finally, I am able to put up a photo with all of our children.  I am so thankful to Alice for taking all of these beautiful pictures.  I can't wait to frame them and display them in our home.

 I have been back to Belize for a few days and I am still finding it take me a bit to get adjusted back to life here.  I have a list of things that need to be done, but I find my energy is gone so quickly here.  It is actually not too hot right now and we had a wonderful rainstorm last night.  But it is just different here.

One of the best parts of our trip home was that I had all my children together, under one roof.  The time was way too busy and went by way too fast. I have to come back to Belize to get my rest. But I am thankful to all who poured into us.  People who gave us money to do things with our kids, took us to eat, cooked for us, housed us.  It was all such a blessing.

Now I come back to get busy again at LifeNet.  We will be starting a Nursery at the end of the month, so I am busy getting everything ready.  I will train our volunteers on Saturday.  This is such an unknown thing in Belize.  I am praying that the Lord uses this as a ministry to our parents of small children.

Josh and Tori are still in the states, so I only have my youngest two.  The house is definitely a bit quieter.  I miss them and am thankful for facebook and facetime.

I just got a call and Kailey and Erika are about to go on TV to talk about the Ballet Recital they have Thursday.  So lots of excitement in the air.

What does family look like?

When all of this happened with Erika about a month ago, all I wanted was to go home and be with my family.  I am one of those people who is blessed with an amazing extended family.  But God began to show me something.  That He has given me quite a family here in Belize.  Of course, I still want to go home and see my biological family, but He has been showing me something very powerful.  As we began to share what was going on with Erika, one of my friends messaged me and shared how she has wept over this and has been praying and fasting for her.  When we shared with our leaders (Erika was in another room), one of the men that has been with us since the beginning, prayed such a passionate prayer over Erika's life, filled with such love.  Afterwards, his wife came and shared a vision of Erika sitting on Jesus' lap just laughing and having a great time.  And one of my friends who teaches Ballet, chose Erika for a special part, before I talked to her. She felt the Lord wanted her to do the part because of the meaning of this song:

HE WANTS IT ALL (Watch in Separate Post)

When I downloaded the song and Erika heard it, she just began to dance to the Lord in our living room.  Many words have been spoken that seem to say that the Lord is going to use this experience to draw her into a more intimate relationship with Him.  I have played it over and over, quite often crying.  I feel this journey has been hardest on me.  I am the one she runs to, hides her head in, when she is struggling.  Yet, I also feel God is healing her.  We had a very powerful service a few weeks ago and she went forward first, without me.  I later joined her when there was a call to healing.  But no matter what happens, the Lord has given me peace that He loves Erika more than I do.  His plans for her are bigger than I could ever understand.  And my job is just to love her and support her through her journey.

He Wants It All by Forever Jones

Battle

This morning as I was washing the breakfast dishes and cutting pineapples for lunch, my thoughts were swirling.  I am overwhelmed with excitement of going on a little break.  As I sat there, I thought, "This is how soldiers must feel when they go on leave..."  Going home is never the same.  You are different.  The battles you have fought are hard for others to understand.  But this is the one thing that I kept thinking...is how thankful I am for the enormous support system that awaits us.  I have been overwhelmed with messages on facebook and emails of people back home who are agreeing in prayer with us.  Who literally Hold Us Up.

The battle always seems to get more intense when we are about to receive a rest.  Every single time.  It has been a consistent issue as we have tried to take short overnight times away here or longer stay in the states.  But this I know is also true, that the Lord abundantly blesses us and refreshes and refills us to continue.  Every year, I go home to Texas very weary...yet, by the end of the trip, I am ready to return to what God has us here for.

My prayer on this trip is that my nucluer family would bond deeply.  We have never lived as just us, Lee, Robyn, Josh, Tori, Kailey and Erika....  Even on this trip, we will not be totally alone most of the time.  But Josh is taking this time off from work and I am praying that we have some real connected family, fun times, loving times.  My prayer is also that we see a healing for Erika.  But knowing sometimes, we must walk out the journey as well, I am praying for grace and wisdom for Lee and I as parents and for her siblings as well.  I have really been proud so far of how her brother (through facetime) and sisters have been with her.  And I am thankful for the support system we have here in Belize who all love Erika deeply.  And one other prayer is that LifeNet would thrive while we are gone.  Because ultimately, our prayer is to release this church plant into the hands of Belizeans.  So, I pray that even with us gone, that LifeNet would grow spiritually and numerically.

We are in our last weeks of school.  There is excitement in the air as the girls are slowing finishing up subjects.  We are all so ready for a little break...

We Welcome your Prayers

Seven years ago, God blessed us with one of the most precious gifts.  Something that I had prayed for for many years.  He blessed us with Erika.

Erika came into this world fighting.  Last night, I reread her birth story.  Her life is a miracle.  She was born at 33 weeks, weighing 3 lbs, with her intestines outside of her body and had major surgery 10 days later.  But God has always had a plan for this girl.  Her birthmom could not care for her so placed her in foster care.  The first foster family Erika lived with was amazing and loved her deeply and cared for her better than I could ever have expected.  The first time Erika spent the night with us, it was with 10 pages of instructions.  Because she was loved.

The first time I met Erika, I was smitten, in love, knew way deep down somewhere, that she was my child.  I can not explain it, simply know it is truth.  This girl brings so much joy wherever she goes.  As I watched her at her most recent birthday party with all of her friends, I was reminded of that.  Everyone loves Erika.

But right now, Erika needs your prayers.  And so does this momma.  About a month ago, we noticed Erika picking up some weird habits with shaking her neck, then it moved to crazy blinking and now it is a more pronounced shaking of her head and hands.  At first, I kept telling her to stop.  And I feel so bad now.  But I thought she was just trying to get attention.  On Thursday night at my NetGroup, I realized for the first time, that she was not faking.  That she literally could not control the impulses that were taking over her little body.  Only sleep allows her to rest.

Of course, being here in Belize, we feel so paralyzed.  We are on hold, medically, until we get to the states.  Thankfully, we already planned to go soon.  And with God's favor, we were able to get an appointment with a Pediatric Neurologist. 

We have done much "research" on the internet.  There is no cure.  But there is Jesus.  And we are believing for Jesus to touch her little body and bring healing.  The thing I pray most is that this will not change her, change her personality.  Yesterday, the girls in front of us at church just kept staring.  Because that is what kids do.  And Erika came and snuggled into me and told me she wanted to go home.  And kept asking me to pray for it to stop.  I have prayed and prayed and will continue to.  Because that is what Moms do.  We fight for our kids.  And so I am being very vulnerable and open with you and asking you to pray too for Erika.  Pray for healing and for our faith to increase and for us to have wisdom.

Thank you.

Friendship

Talk to any missionary on the field and they will tell you that friendships are difficult.  You relate more to other missionaries, yet they come and go.  So, you should be closer to the people of the country you live in, yet, there is always somewhat of a gap. 

So, finding a friend, that you can be totally vulnerable and open with, who is on the field with you, rather than just through Facebook, is priceless.

When people have asked to pray for me, it has been one of my biggest requests for myself and my girls.

The Lord has blessed us with friends recently.  I just went and spent some time with a very special woman.  Our connections run deep.  Both believers on the mission field, fostering to adopt children.  Hers are babies, mine a teen.  Yet, this common ground.  I could literally spend hours with her, yet saw that if I left, she may actually get a little rest while her babies slept.  But to have a friend, who will drop everything and just let you come and hang.

Friendship is so refreshing and so necessary.  I am so grateful for my friends in Texas and California.  They keep me going, encourage me, support me.  Yet, they do not live day to day life out with me.  So, having a friend here, where we actually have little time to just sit and visit, is life for me.

I am so thankful.

I still pray for that deep friendship for my two middle girls.  That the Lord would bring someone who uniquely gets them...and someone just fun to hang out with:)

We have a team coming in anytime today...so busy week ahead:)

My Place is in the Home

Recently, it is challenging for me to blog.  Either I feel it is just too personal to put out there or I'm just too busy to take the time to sit and type or I just feel like I really have nothing to say.

We have been blessed with some amazing ministry and touches from the Lord recently.  Our home church, Life Church, came and did a Marriage Weekend and we had 24 couples attend.  Do you know how huge that is?  And then this past weekend, a ministry out of South Carolina came and ministered to our girls and women.  So much ministry.  And then Sunday, we had this amazing time of worship.  I feel like God is just speaking and speaking to me.  And so many little victories and miracles that are happening in our church body right now.  It is quite exciting!

The first day of the Women's Ministry was a time just to bless and minister Pastor's and Missionary's wives.  I fall into both categories:)  It was awesome.  I loved how many friends I got to see and catch up with.  And I loved being able to let my guard down.  Although there were people from our church, they are missionaries and I was not there to minister, but to soak.

One of my friends, who is also a missionary/pastor's wife, and is also adopting a little girl here in Belize, and I began to talk.  It was so refreshing to hear the same words come out of her mouth that I feel so many times.  But I thought about her words.  She said she felt so naive going into it...that love could just fix everything...but that it is so much more.  And that she feels this experience has changed her, changed her family.  I feel those same things.  I feel that I am a different person after my journey with Erika, and now with Kailey.  But I thought, that's okay?  I am learning so many things.  That you can't get from a book or a message.  Life is teaching me.  And the victories?  They are greater because it took more work to get to them.  Even our marriage is changing.  But in a good way.  We have to be in unity.  And that is not always easy.  I realize on a deeper level how much I need my husband's covering spiritually in this journey.  For example, usually I stay behind a week after him when we go home, but I will not do that this time.  I need my husband like never before.  And I need time with him.  Like dates where we get away.  Like never before.  And sometimes I just need him to listen when the day has been long and rough.  Sometimes I think why homeschooling on top of all this adjustment?  But then, I think how it is the right thing.  I am seeing Kailey blossom educationally and know that would not happen if I was sending her to school.  I also feel like all the togetherness all the time sometimes gets old, but it also allows us to make up for lost time bonding wise.  When you get a girl that is already mostly grown, everything has to happen faster.  So we can make spontaneous fun ice cream runs or join the teams as they come into town.  So many opportunities we would not have if we were bound to the schedule of regular school.

So, the main thing the Lord is pouring into me right now is my role is very narrow right now.  To mother my girls.  To be here for them as much as I can.  I do get short times away for my sanity's sake, but they are truly my first priority.  The other day I said to the Lord, as my nest empties, it is supposed to get easier, not more challenging, and I felt He very clearly said, That is why I sent Elizabeth.  And Elizabeth is awesome.  She does so many things for LifeNet beyond Children's Ministry, yet still helps me with the girls.  She is fun and easy to talk to which is perfect for them and me.  Not to mention, she does dishes like every single night!!!

After this past weekend, I am encouraged.  I feel that we have been climbing this very difficult mountain.  The days are sometimes long and hard.  But we are seeing the top.  Seeing a time of rest and peace coming.  Seeing the Lord heal what the enemy tried to steal.

Our family is different.  We are changed through these processes.  But what amazing diamonds are being formed in the journey.  What compassion and learning to love our children are getting.

Adopting an Older Child

This journey.  God has once again put us on this journey to adoption.  It is a long road.  It is at times excruciating.  But the rewards are beautiful.

One of the biggest differences between these two adoptions is this...I am Erika's mom.  I am the only mom she knows and she loves me with all that is within her.  Yes, she knows there is a birthmom out there somewhere.  But it is not the subject of much thought for her.  I have an intimate connection with her heart and honestly, it feels as if I carried her in my womb just like Josh and Tori.

But I am not my older daughter's only mom.  I am just one of her moms.  I did not see her grow up, nor did she get to grow up with the way I do things.  Sometimes even just "connecting" can take a small miracle.

But yesterday, we had a connection.  And it was beautiful.  Erika had to go take a nap, Elizabeth was napping and Tori went to visit a friend.  Lee was in his office.  So it was just us.  This rarely happens.  There is a movie she has wanted to watch that the others did not want to.  So I thought, perfect time.  So I told her I was going to drop Tori off and for her to wait for me and we would watch the movie...her favorite movie.  She screamed with excitement and said "you are the best!"  It was such a moving moment for me.  I came home and made us fancy coffees with chocolate and we watched the movie together...and talked about it along the way.  It was a bonding moment, in all its simplicity, that was so perfect.  And I am so thankful.

I don't know what today will hold.  But I do know one thing.  God asked us to do this.  And He does not leave us when He tells us to do something.  So I pray and believe for more special moments.  More moments to become the best mom for her.  More moments for her to trust me and come to me.

Four Years

In one week, we will celebrate moving to Belize four years ago.  February 2, 2011.  The feelings of that first day, those first days, that first month, that first year still ring loudly in my heart.  Moving to Belize has been an experience unlike any other thing I have experienced in my life up until that point.  Yet, now, the longer I live here, it is my new norm.  Belize is now my home.  And the States is where we go to visit every year.   It is weird and I don't know when it changed.  And this creates challenges to my blogging.  Because now everything is familiar.  There is nothing to blog about.

This morning, I could not get enough water pressure to make my shower warm.  So I shivered and shivered and washed my hair as fast as I could in the ice cold water.  And thought of so many people in my own church, in my own oikos, that always take cold showers.

The last two nights I dreamed of my son.  I am sure it is because I miss him.  Or maybe because I need to pray for him.  But I once again was a little sad that I can't just get in the car and go up and visit him next weekend.

But then on the flip side, yesterday while Elizabeth conducted a Children's Ministry meeting, I watched a couple of the kids in my room with my kids.  I looked at Chloe...who is now a beautiful, healthy 3 year old.  But I remember the night she was born way too early and we prayed and prayed for God to protect her life.  And every time I look at her, I believe in miracles.

I look at the beautiful 14 year old girl who God has called us to adopt.  Someone said to me this week...what if God didn't call you?  Where would she be?  Would she have gotten a family who would fight so hard for her...spiritually, emotionally, etc?  It opened my eyes.  Reminded me of my purpose as a mom.

Our family has purpose here.  Yes, I miss my family in the states.  Especially Josh.  But our family is touching many other families, many other lives.

Tori tutors a little girl every week.  Tuesday as I sat at ballet, that mother bragged on Tori and how she works with her daughter.  I watched on Thursday night as Erika played with one of the babies in our NetGroup, allowing her parents to be able to participate.

I look forward to a consistent hot shower, Target shopping, eating out at my favorite restaurants....soon.  But I also see that God still has a purpose for us here.  So I will try not to complain about my freezing cold shower:/

Goodbyes Stink!

We had a wonderful visit with my in-laws and Josh.  I really cannot believe how fast the ten days flew by.  It just felt so good to have my family all under one roof.  It was good to sit across the table and see Josh.  It was good to see Josh torment his sisters with teasing.  It was good to play games as a family.  It was just good.

But today we took them to the airport.  And that was really, really hard for me.  As they got closer to leaving, the lump in my throat grew and grew.  As I gave Josh a hug, he said, "you gonna cry?"  I said, "in the van..."

But then the flood hit.  

One of the very high costs of being on the mission field.  

The goodbyes.

And they stink.

And they get harder instead of easier.

And then people say "two more years for Tori."

I am so grateful how well Josh is doing in school, in his life, on his own.

I am so grateful for our families, who visit him, minister to him, love on him, spoil him.

I am so grateful for his University, that specifically ministers to missionary kids.

But NONE of that takes away how much I miss him.  The moment he left, I felt such a deep hole.  But it will get easier.  Because each day will get busy.  And I will have things to do.  And all of a sudden, I will once again be counting down the days to seeing him again.

And this is just part of our kids growing up.

We have had two new baby boys born this week in the church.  One last Saturday and one today.  And my advice?  Savor every single moment.  Because they go so fast.  And when you are with them, savor the moments as well.

I now know how our parents felt/feel.

At least a little...