Grief

Unfortunately, grief is something I have learned so much about in the past six years.  I have experienced it on a deeper level, closer level, here in my time in Belize.  I have seen people lose children.  It is heartbreaking.  And even with Jesus, it is such a deep loss.  I have seen children lose parents...in that they could never go again go home.  That is a very real loss and the child grieves deeply.  I have watched people walk through the pain of divorce.   After many years of marriage.  But I have also seen God be there in the midst of each of those journeys.

I have learned that grief hits in waves.  It affects all of us differently.  Hopefully, there eventually comes healing and a new hope.  And hopefully we will use that journey to be understanding to others.  Hopefully, we will use that journey as a time to grow in Him deep deep roots.

I have walked through my own journey of grief.   You see there is a grief in being called from your home to serve somewhere else.  I am sure that soldiers must also experience it.  I remember when we first had to sell our house, all of our "stuff", it was so heartbreaking.  Yes, I wanted to be obedient to Jesus.  But the loss is real.  I do not have a home to come home to anymore.  My home is now in Belize.  But when I am in the states, I have to stay with other people or hotels.  But the positive of this, is that this has also been such a special time.   Time that we would never have had.  Having to depend on our families to take us in.  It has made us closer and made us more appreciative of what we have.  It has made our time in the states a time where we really get to be with family.  We are not bound to a house to take care of.

Also, coming to Belize was a journey of rebuilding.  When we first moved here, noone knew us.  People were not always welcoming and friendly.  Even spoke things about us that were not true.  We had to build a church but also had to build a reputation.  That was so hard.  We were loved in Katy.  Everyone knew us.  So there was a grief of coming and being a "nobody".  Even untruths spoken about us.  But even that, God has redeemed.  I still don't care to be known, perse, but welcomed, yes.  As we drive around, everyone knows us in this little city.  We know people from the mayor to those who struggle deeply in life.  Our family coming to Belize has touched many people's lives.  I don't say that to brag.  I say that there was deep purpose in God calling us here.  Sometimes, we need to be reminded of that.

Coming to Belize, I had to give up being Pastor's wife at a church where we were deeply loved and blessed.  A church where the staff was family.  A church where the congregation walked out the journey of us adopting Erika.  Erika was the church's baby.  There was deep grief and loss to have to leave Life Church.  But if I had not come here, I would not be who I am now.  The experiences I have walked through these past years have aged me, both physically and spiritually.  My faith in God has grown to such a deep place.  So even when it hurts, I know somehow He will pull us through.  He has brought me to a place that I can lead a small group, or even preach in front of the whole church.  Both are challenges still to me, but I can do it...with His help.  I recently went through something that I told my Net Leader about.   I told her that the Old Robyn would have called and said I was sick rather than face what I had to face.  But the new TRUSTING in JESUS deeply Robyn showed up.  It took me an afternoon of worship to get there, but I just trusted Him.  And He gave me strength.  So, maybe my life is not cushy like it was in the states, but I do feel that my ministry is so much deeper here.

One more area of grief, that probably most don't think about.  Sending my kids to the states for college.  It is the right decision.  After years of being homeschooled, they need to be educated in a good University.  We are so blessed.  SAGU has been such a good home for Josh.  He is anxious for Tori to join him.   I am so happy for her too.  A little nervous, as she has not had the experience driving that she needs.  But I am excited to watch her bloom like we have seen Josh do.  But there is deep sadness for me.  And for her.  We are very close.  She is my best friend (after Lee).  She helps me in all ways.  Plus we talk about everything.  I am sure we will still message each other all the time on Facebook.  But it will not be the same.  And being here, I cannot just make a quick trip to see her.  So there is grief.  Of losing my baby girl.  And being so far away here in Belize.  But I hold on to the things he has done in me and in her in Belize.  And I believe He will continue this amazing work in her...with a little space from her mama;)

Sunday, our worship service was amazing.  We had guests here who just led us into a deep time of worship and many were ministered to at the altars afterward.  After church, we headed to Placencia, a peninsula down south.  Lee's parents are here and just treated us to a wonderful night away.  We are so blessed to have families who pour into us and love us.  It helps us to keep going.  They support us and encourage us.  We are just so blessed!!!

Today is a pivotal day in our family.  The case worker is supposed to go to court and terminate our littlest mom's rights.  It will be a day of grief.  I will dress her in a pretty dress and take her to say goodbye.   I am dreading this day, yet ready for it to come.  Because in the grief, I know Jesus will be there.  And then she can begin to truly bloom.  She needs the certainty of her future.  And right now her future is still unknown.  And that is a hard place for a little girl to be.