A few years ago, when Convention was in Anaheim, I felt the Lord telling me to get Licensed with Foursquare. It is hard to explain why when people ask me. But sometimes I think we don't always know why the Lord asks us to do the things He does. We are to simply obey. Sometimes we can only see one little step ahead, not the whole path. When the Lord asked us to lay down our life in Katy and move to Belize, we only knew it was to plant a church. We did not know that our two daughters were there waiting for us. They did not know that either:)
This past week, Lee ministered on Depression. It was a great, real service. Because sometimes we just need to be real and minister where the people need it most. So many Christians walk around battling depression and feel very alone. The enemy loves to isolate us or make us feel guilty for feeling that way. And I feel that the attacks of depression are getting more intense. Suicide is on the rise. Even among believers. Satan comes to steal, kill and destroy.
When I was in Belize, there were some things I could not share on my blog. But now that I am home, I feel a little more free to share some of the experiences I went through. And so often, I felt God was all I had. I was at some of my lowest and some of my highest those 7 1/2 years.
Moving to Belize was the hardest thing I ever walked through. I loved my life in Katy. I loved my church. I loved being close to family for the first time in our marriage. It was very hard for me to understand why. I remember the October before we told the church, we were at a beautiful pastors' retreat in a hotel that had an inside atrium. I sat on the balcony and asked God what we had done wrong that He was sending us away. I felt that we would be forgotten (and this is a lie that the enemy held over me so many times those 7 years). But right there on the balcony, very clearly, God spoke to me. He told me, "I am not demoting you and Lee. I am promoting you. I need a couple like you, a family like you, in Belize." So many times throughout the years, I would have to remind myself what He had spoken to me.
So often I minister to people who are grieving. In fact, we have several widows in our church family. Also, with adopting children, they have all dealt with grief at one time or another. I think that is one of the things the Lord has used in my life to turn around and minister to others.
I deeply grieved leaving Katy and Life Church... When we were released as pastors to go around and fundraise, I suddenly had no church family... When my house sold quickly, and I moved my family from a beautiful four bedroom home (my dream home) to a cramped two bedroom apartment, I was overwhelmed with deep sadness. Then that Fall, we found out my thryroid was dangerously unhealthy. And again, I felt that I had to walk through that with a brave face, but was hurting inside. How could God let that happen to me when I walking in obedience? My body and emotions were going crazy. I was relocating my family from house to apartment to living with people to moving to a foreign country... It was just too much!
But even still...
God was there. God was there with compassionate doctors who helped me.
God was there with our family and closest friends taking us in, helping us in every way.
God was there in providing a home...miraculously...within the first week of moving to Belize.
God was there, doing miracles, one after the other.
But the other thing that the Lord reminded me of was the great depression I went through when we moved to Belize. And that if I had given up, packed my suitcase and moved home? whatever that would have meant...how it would have prevented God from being able to use our family like He did.
Our inward focus and feeling bad for ourselves can keep the things happening that the Lord wants to happen.
When Lee spoke on Sunday of his own journey with depression when we first moved back to the US, I was reminded of my journey when we first moved to Belize.
We moved to Belize right before the hot season, the season where everyone burns everything and it fills your home with smoke, because your windows are open. I was adjusting to having an older girl living with us. I was adjusting to everyone being home all the time. Trying to learn to shop and cook in a country where everything was just harder. Homeschooling three children while helping my husband plant a church. It was suffocating for me. It was SO HOT all the time. There literally was no relief. My thyroid meds were trying to adjust. I was homesick. We couldn't leave because we needed to establish residency.
When a year had passed and once again, we were in another awful dry, hot season, I broke. I was so tired all the time. I was so down. I was tired of sweating all day long. I was weary of the hard physical labor that it took to simply run a home. I went to the doctor at the clinic to check my thyroid levels. I just knew that had to be it. I remember going into the ob/gyn office...she was the only doctor I had those 7 years. She is Cuban and had stitched Erika's heel that first year, and had seen us for various things. As I sat across from her, she checked my blood pressure, weighed me, all the basic things. And told me my thyroid levels were fine. But I was not fine. I began to cry. She asked me why didn't I go home (to the states) for a visit? I said I couldn't for several more months. She said why didn't I start walking for exercise? I said because its TOO HOT. Then she sweetly told me that she thought I was depressed. Then I really began to cry. She came and hugged me. I will never forget the compassion that this doctor showed me...and all I could think is I am the missionary. I am the one that is supposed to be strong. And the guilt only increased. But a special relationship was built that day. One that I would need as I would later have some very real health problems that she would walk me through.
The end of this story is that my BEST FRIEND, Francine, went way out of her comfort zone and came and visited me in Belize. And that....that visit, that love, pushed me into a place where I felt I could make it a few more months until we could have that first trip home. Her willingness to leave her comfort and come and just be with me...was literally Jesus' hands and feet to me.
And the Lord reminded me this Sunday during Lee's message on Depression of that time in my life. When I let the enemy have the victory for a short time, but how God was so desperate for me, that He showed His love in a very tangible way. And because of that love, I was able to continue and go deeper and see more fully my purpose in the journey to Belize. When we returned to Belize, after that first trip home, I lived more purposely, to make Belize my home. I began to see it as my home, not just where I was visiting. And I think that also helped. But I also saw how God had helped me and was truly there through it all. And we began to leave every May (since it was the very hottest month to be there).
So, why did I want to get Licensed? I am not really sure. I just know the Lord put it in my heart and I was obedient.
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