How many kids do you have?

When did such a simple question become so confusing to answer?  How many kids are legally mine?  How many kids live in my house?  How many kids am I mothering right now?  How many kids did I carry in my body?  How many did I carry in my heart?

Yesterday we were at a memorial service for a missionary friend who passed away in April.  A final send off from his Belizean friends.  A woman who has worked with him on mission teams asked me this simple question and it threw me for a loop.  It was so weird.  I have three girls that I am raising right now, but my adult son is living in the states, oh, yeah and we have an intern living with us.  But I legally only have three children.  But in my heart, I am mothering, feeding, loving on five children...even though one of them my love is only through phone calls at the moment...

Then the whole profile picture thing on Facebook.  My cover photo is only of my three legal children.  I wish we would have been able to have Kailey to be a part of that photo shoot.  So, now if we take a picture, there are only the girls...and Josh is still so needing to be in that picture.  So, I will have to wait until next summer and hopefully will get a picture of all four of my children:)

Twenty-two years ago, I was an eighteen year old girl madly in love with an amazing man.  I never could have thought or foresaw that our life would be like this.  I actually always wanted a large family...but he only wanted two kids.  Yet, God did something in his heart...because he loves these others girls so much.  Yesterday at the memorial service, I got a little choked up as Erika came and sat on his lap.  She laid her head on his shoulder.  Erika is so blessed to have this daddy...  As all the kids are.  He loves them each so perfectly.

This is my blog...so I will brag.  I am so proud of Josh.  I love every time he calls or asks me to call.  I love hearing his voice and seeing him on Facetime...even if sometimes he is just playing a game while talking.  I love just being in contact with him.  I love that he wants to share everything that is going on with us.  I love that he is a good worker and takes his job seriously.  I love that he loves his church...and they have taken him under their wing.  Just like we prayed.  I miss him so deeply some times...  When I make a favorite food of his, or we do something as a family, these are the times his absence is most felt.  This is such a new phase for me.  But my home is still full, actually fuller than it was.  And he is doing great.

And then I have this amazing girl, who is soon to be 16, and now the oldest kid at home.  I know she misses her older brother.  I know this is a time of major adjustment as she goes back to sharing a room.  But I also know her very life, her very love ministers to her newest sister.  I know that God will use her to bring healing where it is needed.  I love that even at this age, just like me at that same age, she is at a place of seeking God on her own...not through her parents.  Learning to turn to Him...sometimes in desperation...but that is the best...that God solve her problems, not mom.  I love her heart...that she loves deeply.  Loss is so hard for her...yet, that is what makes her Tori.  We watched the old home videos and her big brother was everything to her, right from being a baby.  But her little sensitive heart was there...even then.  I am so thankful for this very special girl.

And then we had this huge age gap when God finally answered my prayers for a third child.  And that third child is a fireball.  I can't wait to see how Jesus will use her.  Even already.  Sometimes I am so overwhelmed with parenting this strong willed little person.  But then another adult will tell me what an amazing girl she is.  A friend with the same age child told me yesterday how impressed she was with Erika.  Erika walked up, greeted her and hugged her.  She said her children would never be that comfortable to do that with an adult...  And this is so true.  Erika is this confident, little person (who is very insulted if you say she is little.)  Everyone loves her.  And she is well behaved when it counts (usually).  And the Lord gave us Erika so we could guide her and foster all the talents she has.  And she brings so much joy.  Even waking her up...she is usually so loving and happy it is a new day full of promise.  And she is an extremely bright child.  I am so thankful we are able to homeschool her, so she can soar...

We thought we were done with Erika, but God was not done forming our family.  And He did the most perfect thing.  He gave us a girl that fits perfectly between Erika and Tori.  She plays with and loves both of her sisters (and Josh).  Erika loves to have a hispanic sister who is also adopted.  They can relate in some very special ways that are just for them.  Kailey is the most loving, affectionate, sensitive girl.  At first, she reserved her hugs for the girls, but now, as she gotten more comfortable, she waits for me, coming and going, to hug me.  Sometimes, she just walks by to let me know she is there and that she loves me.  Sometimes I feel so honored and overwhelmed at the same time that Jesus would choose our family for Kailey.  Its such a heavy responsibility and so different to receive her as a teenager, mostly grown.  But it also has been so neat to watch how love truly covers so much.  We tell her often, but I truly believes she knows...God has put such a deep love for this girl in all of our  hearts.  We didn't choose her...God chose her for us.  And it is such a perfect fit.

I am sooo blessed....

Permanent Placement

The last few weeks have been a blur.  We have had two teams, both people we love so much.  We reached out to the children of the circus.  We continue to adjust to the new family that we are.  And finally this weekend, the girls were able to get settled with their new loft beds and dressers.  And today I began working on getting ready for school to start next Monday.  I am blessed to have almost daily conversations with Josh, which bless me so much.  Now I get why my mom loves when I call!!!

Elizabeth is a blessing in every way.  She is loved by everyone who meets her, makes me laugh like crazy, and often just jumps in and helps wherever she sees the need.  Sometimes I think God sent her just for me...but I will share her with Belize:)

Tori and Lee designed these beds and the Mennonites built them.  They turned out so cool.  So the girls have so much room now.  Each has a desk under the bed so when school starts, they can work.  It is so nice to finally have it all coming together.

The rainy season is heavy upon us.  I love the lower temps but not the humidity.  I can hang things outside all day and they are still wet.  But I still love the rain.  It is so peaceful.

Almost a year ago, the Lord asked us to do something.  And it truly was the Lord.  We were visiting the children's home here with one of the teams.  The director just happened to mention Kailey's name and Lee, Tori and I were all overwhelmed with the presence of God and moved to tears.  I felt the Lord ask us to take Kailey into our family.  It is not something we took lightly.  Obedience is sometimes costly.  But in obedience to the Lord, we experience the greatest blessings.  We have had Kailey for many weekends, Christmas, other special times over the past year.  Yet, sometimes social services has been very back and forth with her status.  It has been an emotional journey for her and us.  Last Thursday, though, we went as a family to Social Services in the city, and Kailey was Permanently Placed in our home.  It was an emotional day, the reality that she cannot go home, but also a day filled with joy that the Lord would choose our family to walk out this journey with Kailey.  We plan to adopt her once we are able to receive citizenship in a little over a year.  Please pray as we continue to adjust as a family and be sensitive to all of our girls' needs and hearts.

It was very windy by the sea, but it was important to me for us to capture this important day.

Josh is doing well.  He worked hard to get a job at Office Depot, in the printing department.  He is so excited, as he trained, this was the part he liked the most.  It is close to campus and seems to be a good atmosphere for him to work in.  In fact, Waxahachie just seems to be a great place for Josh to live.  He loves his church and is already very involved.  This is Josh sharing from the pulpit about what it is like to be a missionary.  The pastor's wife told him that he impacted two young boys as he shared.  He still has a month until school starts, but we are so thankful he is having this time adjusting to his new life on his own.  Yes, he still facebooks me about how to the laundry.  And I love every message or call I get from him.  I sometimes think about him being so far away and miss him so much, yet I am filled with such peace that he is exactly where the Lord wants him.  If you want to send him a care package, let me know and I will give you the address:)

Lots of changes going on...

What does my world look right now?  Both of my girls are in new rooms, Tori and Kailey are on beds on the floor...the new beds still not finished:(  Their clothes are in Elizabeth's room, while her clothes are stacked on shelves.  The word...everyone is having to be a little flexible these days.  My son is gone to college, and we have two new girls in our home.  My world is full of change these days.  There is lots of cooking and cleaning, but thankfully lots of help as well.  I would describe my home as full of adjusting, lots of laughing, and settling into our new way of life.

Elizabeth arrived Monday, yet I can't remember her not being here.  She has just fit right into our home life, church family and blessed me in so many ways.  She is always willing to help.  She is an encouragement when there are sister squabbles, and anyone who knows this girl, full of life.  She makes me laugh every single day.  And amidst all the change, sometimes I need a good laugh.  I know already she is going to be a blessing to our LifeNet kids, but beyond that, the church in general.  And even more than that, she is a blessing to our home.

Kailey is adjusting great.  She had two weeks of summer school, so was busy in the mornings.  I love seeing especially Tori and Kailey bonding.  They laugh as they put on facemasks, watch movies, do their nails.  At the dinner table the other night, I asked who was Kailey's best friend and she reached over and hugged Tori.  And even remembering, it brings tears to my eyes.  Kailey comes alive when talking about cooking, because it is something her guardian taught her to do from a young age.  Today, she is teaching me and we are making Stewed Chicken, Rice and Beans, the Belizean staple.  I have never made it before so hoping it turns out awesome.  She has a whole list of other things she wants to teach me.  And I love that there is a way for me to connect with her.

We went to the circus last night...I enjoyed the time with the family:)

Tori has had to go to having her own room for a couple years to once again sharing.  And I am proud that for the most part, she has been awesome about it.  She is excited for their new loft beds to arrive so she can get busy decorating, which is definitely her gifting.  We are beginning the process of a her and I volunteering at a new Pregnancy Help Center opening right in our neighborhood.  I am excited to still be able to have some special one on one time serving alongside my girl.

Erika is now in Josh's old room that will serve as a guest room as well.  It has been the biggest adjustment for her, going from a bottom bunk to a queen size bed.   And a little scary to sleep in a new room a little farther than mommy.  But with lots of prayers and hugs and awesome worship as she goes to sleep, she is doing great.  She enjoyed a few days of ballet/jazz/hip hop class at YWAM our first week back as well as was a flower girl in a wedding.  So her days have been full.



Today, we receive our first team, followed up with another one.  I love when teams come but the days fly by.  I can't wait to see one of my closest friends in a couple of weeks as she brings a team from her church this year.

I have adjusted back into Belizean life so much quicker this time than ever before.  I am sure it is because I jumped right into a busy schedule.  But I do love my life here, my church family here.  Not everything here...but it is where God has planted me:)

And today I am thankful for the steady rain outside because it keeps the temps so much more comfy:)  Have an awesome Saturday.

Some Reflections

I feel like I need to "blog" to update on this past two month's happenings.  Truly, it has been a whirlwind, a time of joy, a time of sadness, a time of feeling God holding me...and my children.

When I think over the past few months, the biggest and most prominent event that sticks out to me is leaving my son at college...by himself.  It was a thing that I truly dreaded for about a year...and the dread only increased as it got closer.  The Sunday before Josh and I headed up was probably my most emotional day.  But someone very special to me prayed for me...and it is like when we left Monday morning, I truly was okay.  I felt God's hand continually blessing.  It seemed as Josh was just covered with God's favor.  First, by him receiving a car...for free...but then a million other things that happened along the way.  God truly loves my son more than I do.  And on top of that, I just thoroughly enjoyed having the last week with just him.  The girls were with their grandparents...and although we talked every day, I was able to focus on Josh.  And that is something I will forever be thankful for.

Another thing I realized on this trip was that I am really close to my children.  Like when I compare my relationships with them to other people.  Tori would facetime me when we were apart for that week.  My sister in law commented that she hoped when her daughter grew up, that she would be that close.  And then since I left Josh, he has facetimed me every day.  I do not say this to brag or boast, rather it is a comfort to me...and a blessing...that when they are not with me, they still actually want to call Mom.

The girls and I stayed three weeks after Lee this time.  That ended up being a really long time for us to be apart.  I think both of us really learned to appreciate the other and the roles we play in parenting and just friendship with each other.  We really missed each other.  And I had some difficulties, that all worked out, on the ride home and just knew Lee would have handled them better.  But, on a positive note, because of me being alone, I was pushed out of my comfort zone.  I took a few roadtrips with the kids that in the past, I never would have felt comfortable driving.  So I was proud of myself handling it on my own.

I was blessed to go up to Dallas for my sister's oldest son's graduation.  The trip was quick, but so special to me.  Erika loved her cousin that is the same age.

The other huge thing going on in our lives is that we have had a sweet girl move into our home, with the hopes of permanent placement with our family.  It is something that the Lord spoke very supernaturally to Lee, Tori and I, last summer when we were visiting the home.  We have simply walked in obedience over the past year.  It has not been an easy road and may not be in the future still.  But God has bonded our hearts to this 13 year old girl.  So, I arrived home late Tuesday night...and woke up Wednesday morning to go pick her up and bring her to our house to live.  When I walked into the children's home to get her, I was overwhelmed with emotion that I had not expected.  Another confirmation of what God is doing.  Since she got here, she has helped us move the bedrooms around, with ownership.  It is her home.  And that is what blesses me the most. She is so comfortable with us and missed us when we were gone.  She has very long hair and the first thing she wanted to know is if I would take her to get a pretty haircut.  Tori and she looked online and found a picture for me to take to the beautician...and it turned out beautiful.  And it was a joy that I got to be the one to take her:)

And finally, we are expecting an intern, who we are very close to, to come in a little over a week from now.  We are excited that the Lord is bringing us help as there is much to do.  She will relieve me a little from children's ministry, and that will allow me to focus on the homeschooling and household tasks.

It is great to be home.  It has been extremely busy getting the house moved around and cleaned.  But as I was cooking lunch today, I thought how good it is to be back in my kitchen preparing food for my amazing family.  And after lunch, I got a call from Josh.  My heart couldn't be fuller:)

Can we please slow down time?

I wrote this a couple weeks ago but didn't publish it at the time:)

Tonight we took Josh to a very fancy restaurant that he has always wanted to go...because we are proud of him graduating and beginning his life in University...I am all about all our last moments before leaving him...

But all I want is for time to stop, to stand still for a while.  Every wonderful day we enjoy here is another day closer to me having to tell Josh goodbye.  I don't want these last days to be filled with tears, but I just feel like I'm not ready...that he can't possibly be ready yet.  Lee is so laid back.  "He's 18.  He'll be fine."  But I don't always see a man.  I still see the little boy who was full of questions and curiosity.  I still see the little boy learning to ride his bike.  How can he be ready to work and go to college and drive a car?  Of course, in my mind, I know he can handle all these things and handle them well.  I could when I was 18.  But in my heart, I am just having a hard time letting him go.

Time seems to be moving so fast now.  Of course, its time to now walk out all we have planned.  Its time to let him soar.  Its time for him to be able to spread his wings on his own.  And I know all of this is what we feel God has for him.  But it is so hard to let him go...

Please pray for me to have strength the next few weeks.  To enjoy, but not smother my son:)  That he will find a job that will be a healthy environment.  Of course, the car was a huge answer to prayer and we know the Lord has his hand on Josh.  He is so excited about his future...and so I am excited for him too!!

Jesus, the Ultimate Redeemer

Being a pastor's wife, I have worked with all kinds of people dealing with all kinds of situations.  We all have stories.  Our hearts must never forget to have compassion.

When we were in Dallas for Convention, we were eating at a Subway downtown and  a homeless woman came in.  Who knows what that poor lady had been through in her lifetime.  She came in to use the restroom and didn't make it.  As a family, our hearts broke for her.  She came over to our table, not a tooth in her mouth, and asked if we could just buy her a sandwich.  Obviously one meal won't change her situation.  But one meal helped her feel loved and worth something, even for just a moment.  I thought about her a lot that day.  We encounter so much poverty where we live, but it is everywhere.  Even in America.  And sometimes people are in those situations because of their own bad choices.  But sometimes people are in those situations because of others' bad choices.

This weekend, I was moved by someone I really love...who has found healing and made good choices that have affected her whole family.  I was reminded over and over that God is for us.  He wants to redeem broken lives.  And really, only He can.  We help.  We make decisions to go that way.  But we truly need God's intervention.

In eight short days, I will be moving Josh into his dorm.  We will enjoy a family vacation with both sets of grandparents and my brother and sister in law this week.  I am really looking forward to it.  Just relaxing and enjoying all three of my kids.  I'm missing Lee and so grateful to him for letting me have this time with Josh before I have to leave him.

Please continue to pray for the perfect job for Josh as we get him settled in Waxahachie.  He has been blessed with a beautiful, safe, sound car.  He has his Belizean license, but please pray that we can get his Texas Drivers License before I leave.  It would make me feel better.  He is doing great driving, although still novice, he is picking it up.  Pray for his protection as he drives and learns the way around Waxahachie.  I am feeling pretty peaceful at the moment, but as the time draws near to drive away and then fly home to Belize, this momma still sees this 18 year old boy as a baby...

Home

We have been in Texas for almost a week now.  One thing I can say is there is nothing like your family.  We have been overwhelmed with greetings and love from both sets of our parents and my brother and sister in law.  The first week has flown by so fast.  Our families have been so helpful, serving us in so many ways...and just reminding us how loved we are:)  I look forward to seeing both of my siblings and families over the next few weeks as well.

We also have been overwhelmed with love from our spiritual family here as well.  Friday night, we were invited to a gathering of a small group that many had attended Life Church over the years...and it just felt like family...seeing everyone again.  Saturday night, we attended Tori's best friend since first grade's quincerra.  Again, what a joy to just be around so many of our spiritual family that we have loved and missed so much.  And then this morning, Lee preached in a church that was birthed shortly after we birthed Life Church, by very good friends of ours.  Just feels good to be "home".

God has been gracious and blessing us, just like He always does.  Friday, we went and tried to purchase Josh a used car.  We just don't have a lot of time, and the search was extremely discouraging.  Josh had a great attitude and NEVER complained...was simply content with the fact that his car might not be as awesome as he might like.  We went to the party, knowing we would need to get up early Saturday morning and hunt again.  As we were leaving close to midnight Friday night, we were all exhausted.  Lee turned to me and said he just didn't feel like looking for a car anymore.  I was like, no, you have to...I can't handle that on my own!  But he was joking because at the party, someone pulled Josh and Lee aside and told them that they felt the Lord telling them to give Josh their old, but very nice, perfect condition car.  As they told me, I just was overwhelmed and began to cry.  One, because I was so relieved not to have to look anymore.  Two, because Josh is not just getting a car...but he is getting a very nice car.  Three, because once again God gently reminded me...He has Josh in the palm of His hand and is taking care of his every need.  I can go back to Belize, knowing that he has a safe, dependable car.  God is so good.

The other thing about this trip is that although I am now a pastor's wife in Belize, my heart has never left or stopped caring for the people here in Katy.  My heart broke for a very dear friend that has had a couple of rough years.  And it was just so easy and natural for me to pray for her...like we had never moved.  I got to see a baby that is now two...that I remember praying with her mom to conceive...crying with her, being with her at her wedding not too many years before that.  Praying over a girl that spent many years in our home here in Katy and tearing up as we watched the slideshow of years past, my daughter and her inseparable.

Sometimes coming home is very hard to see all we have left behind.  But then, I see a pic on Instagram of two girls in Belize...that I would consider spiritual daughters...and realize how deeply I missed seeing them Thursday, this morning, around town.  That is how it is in ministry.  You have your heart in different places.  I am so thankful for our support system here in Texas.  But I am also so thankful for the people in my life in Belize.  There are pros and cons to both lives, both places.  I love the AC here.  It is amazing.  I love shopping here.  But the traffic is insane...all the time.  And our schedule is just so busy, that we constantly are checking our calendars to make sure we are not missing something.  We literally have no free days.  EVERY SINGLE DAY IS PLANNED.

I am thankful for this time at home.  Thankful I got to each lunch with my parents.  Thankful that I got to laugh as Erika could not believe how the restaurant kept refilling our chips and salsa and drinks.  Thankful that she got to rock climb and that Tori got to be a part of her best friend's very special day.  But I am also thankful that God is using our family in Belize.  And I am thankful for the people he has in our lives there.

Everyone has asked how I am doing with Josh staying for college.  If I do not think too deeply, I am great.  He is excited and I am excited for him.  But I love my boy.  And I want to savor every single day we have over the next six weeks.   I covet your prayers for him, but for me too.  I want to leave him strong, not crying and falling apart.  I want him to be able to enjoy this time in his life for all it should be...

We have encountered some difficulties getting Josh's Texas Drivers License.  Please pray as we try to help leave him with as many things in place as possible.  He can drive on his Belize license for now, but we would feel better him getting his Texas license.

This afternoon has been very relaxing.  Which is great because tomorrow the whirlwind of activity starts at 8 am until....I don't know. 

I have not opened my computer since being here.  I am using Lee's.  But if you are my Facebook friend, there are pictures on there.

Right before we left Belize, the Lord gave me the following scripture to pray over Josh.  I am already seeing it come to pass...

Isaiah 55:8-9
⁸ “For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
Nor are your ways My ways,” says the Lord.
⁹ “For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
So are My ways higher than your ways,
And My thoughts than your thoughts.