He walks with us...

This blog is in one way, a journal.  Something I can look back at someday.  How God was with us through it all.  My heart's desire is to someday write a book about how the Lord led us to foster and adopt and to the mission field.  He has taught me so many things in both of these journeys.  I am not the same person I was 10 years ago.

Fostering is not for the faint of heart.  Sometimes it would be easier to just give up and walk away.  But then God has this gentle way of reminding us that He has called us to take care of these children.  That He places the lonely in families.

Foster care is a broken system.  Both of my older daughters are drawn to it, though.  I pray the Lord will use them to bring health.

Broken children from broken homes come with unhealthy habits.  Parenting these children requires a lot of patience.  And this week has been hard.  When a child grows up with nothing, they never learn to value and take care of things.  This is our biggest struggle right now.  And knowing how, as healthy parents, to teach these things to a child who just doesn't get it.

Sunday, the Lord was very present in our worship.  He spoke powerful things to me for my older girls and then for our newest one as well.  He reminded me that He is with us.  That He put her in our home because we are her family.  He filled me with love for her once again.  Then as soon as church finished, there was another incident.  Another broken object because of neglect.  So Lee and I decided to just get away for a night.  It was the healthiest thing we could have done.  Just to focus on our marriage, other things.  Take a break.

We are still in the middle of it.  But we are also reminded that God heals.  That families stick together and work it through.  We don't give up on our kids.  We just keep pushing through.  Keep lovingly correcting.  And keep praying.  After all, God doesn't give up on us...

This song really ministered to me on Sunday.  I know the Lord definitely uses music to speak to me.  I wanted to share the lyrics, because we are all on a journey.

"Shepherd"

In the process
In the waiting
You're making melodies over me
And your presence
is the promise
For I am a pilgrim on a journey

You will lift my head above the mighty waves
You are able to keep me from stumbling
And in my weakness
you are the strength that comes from within
Good shepherd of my soul
Take my hand and lead me on

You make my footsteps and my path secure
So walking on water is just the beginning
Cause my faith to arise, stand at attention
For You are calling me to greater things

Oh
how I love You
how I love You
You have not forsaken me
Oh
How I love You
how I love You
With you is where I want to be

If you want to listen to it..

It seems like when we go through times when we need God the most, need His answers...that is when we are also most in tune with what He is saying....

Listening to what Daddy God is teaching me....

Foster care Advocate

I seem to have become an advocate for those looking into fostering and adopting.  I realize that my non-biological children now outnumber my biological ones.   Sometimes this life I lead still surprises me.   I'm not an expert by any means and feel some days that I am just treading water...

This morning the recurring theme the Lord is speaking to me is that being a mom is enough.   That raising kids who bloom into adults that are healthy and a blessing to those around them is enough.   We just had a too short visit with Josh.   I'm biased, of course, but he is such a wonderful young man. My times with him are so short now but I see his growth and maturity.   And of course I love him like he still is the baby boy I prayed for so many years ago.

Tori and I walked this morning.  Her time under our roof is so short.  I wish I could will time to slow down.   Normally I look forward to going to the states each year.  This year I dread it so deeply.  She is an amazing young woman who blesses me so much.  She is a great big sister.   Last night she took the two youngest on her weekly babysitting job so they could play with the kids.  The girls had a blast.   She always does fun crafts with the girls.  I will miss her creativity.   She never ceases to amaze me.   I will also just miss her companionship.

Then there is Kailey.   The quietest one in the house.  Last night, just her and I watched a movie together.   There was just this sweetness about that time.   I know things will change when she becomes the oldest.  I love watching her bloom.  Yesterday, she did amazing on an English test.  In fact, I think it's her best subject (just like me).   I told her how amazing that was because English is not her first language.   I love seeing how far she has come in so many areas.  I'm so blessed to get to be her mama.

Then I have two ten year olds.  In so many ways, it's a blessing.  They keep the house alive.   They have constant companions in each other.  They are both bright and both strong girls.  God saved my biggest challenge for last, after I had some practice with the others.

My newest girl often speaks of wanting us to adopt her.  We are willing butvneed things to happen beyond our control.   She speaks and writes creole, which is not proper English.   It can be a challenge to allow her to keep her culture, yet be properly educated.   Erika has picked up creole with her living with us!

This morning, working with her in her English pace was excruciating.   I Honestly felt like giving up.   But then she tested and made a 97!!!   That was a big deal.   She is a bright girl, who can go far in life.   In her, I see the advantages of homeschooling because I'm able to catch her up so much more quickly.

Erika has become a much calmer girl over the past months.  As a parent, we watch things closely.  I want each of my children to thrive.  I cannot solve all of their problems and sometimes have to just encourage them as they figure things out.   Not knowing exactly how she felt about sharing the spot as youngest, I was so blessed of the sweetest things she told Larisha on her birthday.   About how she always wanted a sister her age.  How she loves having a friend all the time.  It brought tears to my eyes.  How God asks us to do things sometimes that seem crazy.  But when He is in it, His blessings abound.

All of this to say, a friend contacted me to pray as her family begins exploring fostering children.  I had so much I could tell her.  But didn't want yo say too much.  Or too little.  It's a crazy journey.  My life is often a circus.   But I wouldn't trade it for the world.  

One more story...our newest girl is a very loving girl.   She called us mom and dad almost immediately.   This morning, she was lying beside me reading while I was grading work.   I asked her if she knew I loved her.   She said, "of course I do.   You tell me all the time!"    And gave me a big hug.  I love this that she knows she's loved.  Especially because she definitely receives the most correction.   I'm also thankful that she hears it all the time.   If nothing else, I want my children to know they are loved and wanted...whether they came from my womb or not.

My life right now

The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord, And He delights in his way.  Psalm 37:23

Lately I feel as if I have the craziest life.  I know I don't.  I know God directs our steps. I know He paved the way for many of the things that happen and we are just to walk it out by faith.

Every nook and cranny of my home is filled.  We have seven people living in our four bedroom home. True, we probably have more square footage than most Belizeans.  But we all stay home all day doing school and work.  Sometimes I feel like the walls are caving in.  But they aren't.

Our newest nine year old uses my desk in my room for her schoolwork.  It works best because she is not distracted there.  But it means I am typing this blog now before I wake her up.  Sometimes I am a referee, just trying to keep Erika in her own room doing her schoolwork.  Helping the four girls with different work from different subjects from different grades can at times be overwhelming.  

Team that up with cooking two hot meals a day, doing seven peoples' laundry, and trying to run a vacuum because Net is tonight.

Every Wednesday, I teach a Bible Study at the local Crisis Pregnancy Help Center.  This requires preparation, typing out and copying the lesson, and time away from working with my girls.  Every week, I want to quit.  I usually only have 1-3 women show up.  The numbers are small.  Yesterday, I decided to take Erika with me, as she tends to not stay in her room when I am gone.  It was pouring rain.  Since all of my ladies walk, I really thought noone would be there.  Erika said, "Let's not go...noone will come."  But I said, "I have a committment, we must be there just in case."  I also really thought I was wasting my time.  But as I drove around the corner, one of my youngest girls was there, with a trash bag wrapped around her baby.  She had gotten a ride and was waiting for me.  I did the Bible study one-on-one with her and then took her home.  And I decided not to quit:)

Last Sunday night, we baptized our newest nine year old, along with 6 others.  This little girl wants to grow up and lead worship or be a pastor.  I believe she could do these things.  The enemy does not want her in our home.  Please pray for us.  For her.  It is real easy to hear of orphans, children in foster care and children's homes, and just move on.  It changes when they come to your church, and you know their stories and God won't let you get them off your mind.  I never thought we would adopt three children.  I knew we would adopt Erika.  She was my dream.  But these other two girls have become God's dream for our family.  Wherever I go, I have four beautiful, different looking, different race than me girls.  And they are all so beautiful.  So people sometimes stare.  Kailey once told me, she just smiles back, because she is so happy to be in our family:)  I truly believe God makes families.  Because although life is sometimes crazy, our family is beautiful.  Yesterday, I asked the two youngest girls to draw something fun they wanted.  Larisha drew our whole family in New York City.  Her dream to go to America is huge.  Erika drew a Christmas tree with all of us around it.  Her dream will come true (and mine too) because Josh will be here for Christmas this year.  I need no gifts because I will have all my children together.

Moving on, Lee is a busy man.  Three mornings a week, he is up early.  One day he meets with the city council and prays (the girls like this because he brings home fresh baked goods...that one of the men brings..from the meeting for them).  Two other mornings, he personally mentors two men in the church.  This morning, as I was getting the coffee going, the mayor walked in our gate.  This was powerful to me for two reasons.  First, Lee is mentoring the man who one day may be the prime minister.  He is a good man.  The other reason it was powerful to me is...he is such a humble man.  He brought in our empty trash can.  I don't know why...but it just struck me of his character. 

 On another note, last Sunday night, our School of Ministry...the seven that made it all the way through...gave their final sermons.  I asked Lee if I could go.  I am so glad I did.  I sat in awe, as almost all of them have been with us since we very first started LifeNet.  And they are true leaders.  The cream of the crop.  I wanted to cry tears of joy, as the Lord whispered in my ear...See...this is why I sent you and Lee to Belize.  I think sometimes God knows we just need to be reminded.

There are so many more things I would love to share.  But I have four girls who are not getting out of bed:)  Tomorrow I will throw my last birthday party for Tori.  Her and Kailey's birthdays are exactly two weeks apart, so we are having a joint slumber party.  It will be a blast.  They will be tired and grumpy the next day.  But this is part of the fun of being a mom.  Celebrating the lives of our precious children.  So we have rolled and frozen the meatballs, made props for our photo booth, bought the nail polish and face masks.  All the things these beautiful girls want to do.  One funny story is that when you have an artistic child, and you are making props, she sits down beside you and takes over!!!  Her art teacher contacted me and Tori will be displaying some of her art in a booth at an art show in a couple of weeks.  What an honor.

alright...time to get the day going...

My birthday, air conditioning, and things kids say

This weekend was my birthday.   Lee and I never really celebrated our anniversary this year.   Erika got hurt, a hurricane came and we had several teams back to back.   So for my birthday, we got away.

I cook a lot here in Belize.   For my birthday, I got a couple days off.   Between a birthday party and net group party and my birthday, I didn't cook all weekend.   It was glorious.

I sweat ALOT here in Belize.    Like basically all day until I shower and go to bed.   Friday and Saturday, I go to enjoy AC.   Where we were staying was beautiful, but honestly, we just wanted to relax, watch TV and not be hot.  It's the best gift I could have gotten.   When we came home Saturday afternoon, I immediately had to change back into my nonAC wardrobe.

Saturday night, a friend and church member had a huge birthday for her 30th birthday.   We enjoyed a fancy dinner with many friends from the church.   It was a dressy event and kind of a fun way to spend my birthday evening.

That night we came home, all tired from the busyness of life.   But before the girls were put to bed, they all spoke beautiful things to me.   There were a lot of tears.  But there was also this feeling of "we are doing ok."   Sometimes (the week leading up to my birthday), I get really overwhelmed.   All these kids, all this preparation of food and cleaning of clothes, and schooling of children, while trying to minister to ladies in the church and do a bible study... Sometimes I just wonder if any good is coming from my efforts?    But I had four girls express their love for me.   Tell me I'm their best friend.  Thank me for being obedient to take them in as daughters.  Tell me they see my sacrifice.   Thank me for taking care of them.  Telling me they like my cooking:).  There were laughs and there were tears, but I went to bed with a full heart.   This kids are my first ministry.   God can use me to show them so many truths.   Just by consistently loving them.  Lee also shared sweet things:)

So I've made it through one more year.  Thankful especially for my health.  A year ago was not my favorite time.   I remember in the healing time after my surgery, the Lord telling me He was preparing me for new things.   Never would I have known that it would be a very full of life 9 year old girl.  A girl who is full of joy, but who desperately needs the stability of a forever home.   The Lord is teaching me so much through this child.   That being loved is so important.  That being stable is so important.  And to try to learn to be a little more patient:)

So my life is full, busy, and exhausting!    But it's a wonderful life!

Married Life on the Mission Field

In the states, you always hear about how important it is to date your spouse.   I feel like it is so much harder, but so much more needed here.   There are less date opportunities and it's hard to find time.  

Today, after Lee's dental appointment, we will have a date.   I'm excited.   We are eating somewhere we have always heard about but never gone.  And with our growing family, not somewhere to take the whole crew.  

It was Tori who encouraged this date.   She said, "Go to the city with Dad.  I'll watch the girls."

It's hard for me to leave Erika.   Every day I think of her accident.  In fact, last night we were at the civic center, where it happened.   We went to the bathroom where they desperately tried to stop the bleeding.  I just have to release Erika and put her in God's hands but it's so hard for me.   Worrying something else might happen.  

So, today, I will focus on my marriage.  We get the long drive here and back with no kids.  Free to talk.   Of course, we will still talk about the kids☺️. But we won't be interrupted or have to be careful what we say.   We can share our hearts with each other.   And enjoy that the Lord has given us this time.   

Last night, we came together with all the churches for the National Day of Prayer.   It was the best one since we've been here.  It wasn't as hot as normal....but we did still sweat.   The worship was great.  One thing broke my heart, though, when they prayed for marriages.   The pastor's wife asked everyone who was with their spouse to stand and hold hands as they prayed for marriages.  What made me sad was how few couples stood in such a large room full of people.  Some were separated because a spouse was on stage...but still.  One of the things that God told me before we came here is that he was sending Lee and I to show what a healthy family could be.   I know and pray that we will continue to stand in that.  The enemy is definitely against our marriages and families and last night was a very visual reminder of that.  

When I think over the past five and half years here in Belize, it has been the hardest time for our marriage, but also the deepest, most amazing place our marriage has ever been.  And a reminder of how blessed I am that the Lord chose my husband for me.  

Begging

I'm sitting in Belize city at the dentist waiting for Lee as he gets work done.  

I'm asked for money most days in Belmopan, but it is definitely more here in the city.  Last week when we came, Kailey and i were out front just a short time on the street and asked several times.  Now, as I sit and wait, a boy of about twelve, that actually looks well cared for, just came and asked the receptionist and then turned and begged me for money.   He says he's hungry.  I asked why he's not in school.  He said no school today because the teachers are on strike.  I could have given him a dollar or two.  Made myself feel better.   And taught him that begging is the way to go.   

Foreigners are known for coming here and giving so much stuff.   So much money.   Don't get me wrong.  There is much need here.   But the money should be invested in education and things that better a person.   Not just feed them for today.   Because tomorrow they will be hungry again.  

So often when I'm asked for money, I want to explain.  That I actually am very generous.   Very giving.   But it is based on relationship.   I care for three girls that I didn't give birth to.   I invest in them.  For them to have an education and better future.   And for them to have a family.   I give sacrificially of my time to so many things that I can't explain to someone I just pass on the street.   But God knows.  And I believe we need to be careful where we sow.   That we are not just sowing into something that will never grow.  

Living in a country surrounded by so much need, I don't want to become callous.   But also living in this country, I see how much harm is also caused by just giving for the day and not helping them plan for a future.   

Fostering, Adopting, and all the Dynamics of Family

One of the quotes that I see often on Facebook is that...everyone has an opinion about Foster Care, but few actually step out and do it.

My intention years ago, was to adopt one child.  My family was full.   But apparently the Lord did not agree.  I remember one Mother's Day before I moved here to Belize, we had a few extra kids with us (who had parents...but were out of town or something).  We went to Los Cucos in Old Katy.  I remember looking around at all the kids...the full table.  And the Lord very clearly told me that I would always have a full table in Belize, as well.  And it has been true.  At the moment, we have seven at every meal.  I am learning pasta is my friend.  And rice and potatoes.  Because they stretch a little more.  Food is expensive here.  But God always helps me stretch it.  And no one is going hungry:)

The dynamics in my home are at best, interesting...and crazy.  We have lots of girls.  We have lots of big personalities.  We have lots of laughing.  But we also get lots of hurt feelings.  On most days, I feel I am a referee.  

But lately, I also see that in spite of all of that...our home is also a place of healing.  Healing is slow.  You don't see it immediately.  Sometimes you wonder if it is even happening.  And then one day, all of a sudden, you see it.

Erika's fingers have been that way.  At times, I have worried...are they healing okay?  Is this how they should look?  And then all of a sudden, they look so great.  We realize how far they have come in seven weeks.  This week, we sent several pictures to her surgeon and he was so encouraging and happy with how they have healed.  Which of course, encouraged me so much.

Emotional healing is so much the same way.  And then someone from the outside tells you what they see.  How they see that God has done so much in a person's life.  And then all of the sudden, you are encouraged.  To keep going...

We live our journey of fostering and adopting so publicly.  We are pastors.  If our children have a bad day (especially on Sunday), we feel judged.  We feel people are watching...trying to see "how it's going".  Yet, with our birth children, there is not that same pressure.  We like when people think we are doing a good job.  But when they say something negative about our child or our decisions on parenting, it hurts even deeper.  Because we are doing our best.  We are seeking God at every moment in this journey.  Asking Him to guide us, give us wisdom.  And also finding that He is there, helping us.  Helping me to see when one girl needs a little more of my attention.  Or where there needs to be grace instead of discipline.  Or vice versa.

Next Friday, I am excited that one of my fellow foster moms is starting a monthly gathering of our families.  Our families that look a little different.   Our families that have birth children, adopted children and foster children.  And we will all get to be with other families just like us.  Who understand the dynamics of our family.  All of my girls are so excited.  Because they, because of our family, have a heart for fostering and adopting, too.  And can't wait to hang out with everyone.