Counting the Cost

Well, the time is here...the huge transition in my life...ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING. Life is not as it was just a month ago.

Last month, when we told everyone about our move to Belize, I was able to hold it together. People cried...and I was okay. I felt I had already cried it all out. Well, don't look, but it is hitting me now. I am on the verge of crying at every comment. Every time someone asked me "Are you Okay?" on Sunday, I almost lost it. I held it together when we were up front praying over the new pastors, but inside, I was so sad. I always thought we would pastor Life Church--forever.

So, today as I had lunch with good friends, it was very hard. Not because I am not excited about what God is doing in our lives. I am so sad for what I am leaving. I am finally a stay at home mom full time and yet will be leaving all these other wonderful moms that I have longed to spend time with. I want to take advantage of every moment I have left here... My apartment shows it too. I have so many things I need to be doing, but have set up lunch and coffee with friends all week. I am fixing to go on vacation, but it is more than that...I am counting the cost of following the Lord with everything I have. It means giving up my beautiful home, my spoiled American life, my amazing church family.

But there is not contentment in those things alone. There is only true contentment, true peace, when you fully listen to the Lord and obey.

So, although, I am incredibly sad today...I am still at peace. I still know that God is telling us to go to Belize...that there are people there that will only meet Him if we tell them. And that is worth it all...

But for all those who asked, yes, this is hard. My heart is breaking at leaving all of you. I love my family and church family here.

But I love my Father God as well, and His Approval is what I seek more than any earthly being. And I know, like I know, in the deepest part of my soul, that what He has planned is Good. For the Brockinton Family and for the Life Church Family. He has big plans for the this body. Things that He can only do through the Rudds. And He has big plans for Belmopan, that He can only do through us.

So....that is how it goes:)

day of emotions

Yesterday was a very busy day. After the crazy carpool and trying to get a quick shower when I could, we took Erika to her Preschool Graduation. Now, us moms always cry at things like that, but this year was more emotional knowing our future. Knowing Erika won't go to preschool next year or the next. We were so blessed with such great teachers. They showed a video of all the fun things the kids did the past two years. The preschool has been such a blessing for me while I worked. I just worked while Erika was at school, and she was blessed with an education and lots of fun. I lost it as they showed the video. Erika does not like it when I cry, so she started to cry....ugh!

Then we left and signed papers on our house. It is final. We no longer own the house on Goodwin Dr. It is just a house, but that made me sad. I loved that house~~~but I have to believe God has something amazing for us in Belize...and it may not "look" like what I wanted here. I believe He is changing my desires, my dreams, my life...

So the final emotional thing was that we went and watched Josh's best friend (a sweet, beautiful girl) do a play at the junior high. I am not sure why it was so emotional...just an ending to Josh's junior high and public school experience, relief that Tori will be homeschooled..., Josh giving flowers to this special girl (made me sad that they won't continue to grow up together), and a billion other things.

Coming to the apartment, I have really began to "feel" the experience of what it means to go on the Mission Field. I am really beginning to count the cost...and walk it out. It is good. I think in the house, even with selling everything, I was so busy, I just did not have time to feel what was happening. I am not working now...so that changes things a lot too.

Our family has experienced a tremendous amount of change in a very small amount of time. And there is more yet to come. I am sad about what we are leaving. I will miss Life Church people soooo much. And there is almost this awkwardness now. I want to enjoy every second, but it is bitter sweet knowing our departure is soon.

We are about to go on a two week trip. We are going to Convention and then to see my extended family in New York...and also Niagara Falls. There is so much going on with the end of school, but I need to get packing this week!!! It is hard to believe it is already here. But I am so thankful we are this side of the move....

Cooking is a little confusing

Yesterday was my first day home alone...and probably my last for a long time.

All day, I worked setting up the home office, settling the kitchen, unpacking boxes...but when everyone came home, it didn't look like I had done anything!

SO, with my unpacked kitchen, I decided to cook a nice dinner for my family in our new home...

Well, I could not find anything...then, there was no counter space for me to prepare the food, I burnt the rolls because apparently, this oven is much hotter than my old one... But still, my family was thankful for a homecooked meal and ate the burnt rolls anyway...aren't kids great?

Oh, and I made rice using my spices from Belize. It was good, except I used Brown rice, and I think it would have been better with white...so I will try that next time.

I am continuing to try to settle today. I did vacuum, which helped a lot. It made things look neater just doing that. When Josh comes home, I am going to have him help me take out the empty boxes, which will also neaten things up a little.

Off to work I go...

Lee 40th Birthday

Last night we had a CHUCK E CHEESE for Lee, who will be 40 next week. My sister-in-law, Jodie went all out. It was an awesome night to celebrate with our church family.

Today is my only day home with no kids. I have gotten a lot accomplished. I am working on several things at once. I set up our home office, I am unloading lots of boxes, and doing laundry. Erika has her splash day at preschool today. Thursday is her graduation so it is her last official day of school.

I wanted to put up some pics of the very unsettled apartment. The kitchen is so tiny...I am still needing to get rid of a lot. The drawers are too small to even hold my silverware...and there are only 3!!! My house had 6 very large drawers. It is good...it helps me filter and get rid of more now....

The kids room is settled, just messy. Without dressers, it is just harder to be organized. Living out of suitcases is it own special way of life!!!

BUT, the view is beautiful. The kids look on the lake from the two HUGE windows in their room. And they love it. I am glad for them.

Moving to the Apartment

Sorry I have no pictures to post. I will get to that soon.

Yesterday was the craziest day. We moved...in the rain. Seriously. It rained the entire time we were moving and stopped after we finished.

So, as if moving isn't an incredible amount of work anyway, we had to dry every single thing off as we moved it into the apartment. Our mattresses got wet and we had to put fans on them all day so they could dry...But you know what? We made it. We survived. God really showed me that even when things don't go as planned, it is okay. It is not the end of the world. And things could always be worse. We could have had to do it alone, but we had a bunch of great guys and my in-laws helping us...and my parents...and a couple of my friends brought over all our food...and another friend brought us dinner. God provided the hands to make our burden lighter. And, although it seemed we had an endless amount of stuff--we actually had so much less than we did a month ago. We had already gotten rid of so many things.

The apartment is still very cluttered. Tomorrow, we will go and clean our house. Hopefully we will finish...and then we will celebrate Lee's 40th birthday that night at Chuck E Cheese. Then, little by little, I will continue the process of going through and eliminating STUFF we don't need. We will make a huge contribution to the YFN garage sale in a month.

It is a huge relief to me that I am finished with work...for the most part. I am sure I will need to go and help a little here and there...I am excited about being a mom. Having time to cook for my kids, swim with them...not just watch from the side, go explore the lake outside their window with them. I plan to fully engage with them, and just enjoy being their mom in this new journey we are on. I don't know how to explain, but even though I only worked two days a week, I ran errands a third day and was always busy on Sundays. A part time job still consumes a huge part of your life. And that was great for that part of my life, but I am so excited for this new phase I am in. I will miss a paycheck. But there are things you can't buy...like time. And I feel I have lost so much of it the past few years. I am looking forward to not always be rushing here and there, but being able to just slow down and enjoy the 3 precious gifts the Lord has given me. Tonight, after a very busy day, I took the kids swimming. Not because I wanted to, but because they REALLY wanted to. We don't have a TV in the living room right now...and we love it. Anyway, what else would we do tonight? Just unpack some more? I can do that while they are at school this week. So, we went over to the pool, and noone else was there. I just sat on the side with my legs in the water. I was just watching them all have so much fun. I thought to myself "why am I just sitting here?" So I slowly got in...it was cold. And I just began to enjoy swimming with my kids. We did all sorts of races, simon says in the water. It was great. I just enjoyed being with them and having fun with them and getting a great workout. Then, when it was time to come home, they wanted to take the long way home, so they could show my a huge frog and some turtles that are in the lake right outside their window. I enjoyed just seeing their excitement. I knew we needed to get home, and get baths, and get to bed. But I knew more that it was a good thing just to be in the moment with my kids and just to enjoy them.


So, if you have kids, slow down, get on their level. And just live in the moment once in a while.

Beginnings are Scary, Endings are hard :)

Today was my last official day at work. Its surreal...I don't even really know how I feel. I think I am too overwhelmed with so many things right now to really express my feelings. It is coming out more in just feeling on edge, I guess.

It was weird going to work today knowing it is my last day. It is all I have known for the last 7 years. I have not planned anything on Tuesday or Thursday for years, because that is when I work. Now my schedule is wide open--open ended. Next week, Erika has preschool on Tuesday, then that is it for her. Josh and Tori only have two weeks left of their school.

Our life as we know it is ending---and a totally new life is beginning. My kids have only known public school. And I have only known sending them to school every day. Now I am their teacher, responsible for their physical being and helping to make sure they get a social life. We will now be together 24/7.

As I was driving to the office (church) today, I thought how much I will miss, not miss, and what I've learned...

I will miss the staff---they are my family

they are my friends

they have walked with me through so many things...

mainly the tears of sadness and joy with the process of Erika

I will miss the adult time I have while the kids are at school/preschool

(even though it was while I was working)

I will miss the little lunches out that Lee and I get sometimes while I am working

...just the two of us.

I will miss the LAUGHTER and FUN of the office.

This morning, Pastor Adam left me a going away gift of a black rubber snake in my drawer.

the constant harrassment of Darren :)

and the girl talk with Kelly...and all her encouragement.

I WON'T miss...

the high pressure when we have big events going on

...now I just get to enjoy them, without the planning

carrying caseloads of water and whatever else I buy at SAMS each week

TAX SEASON

Erika's too short naps on preschool days.

What I've learned:

To work hard and be proud when I finish a project

to appreciate women who work full-time and then come home and take care of a family

(since I only did it part time)

seeing first hand how hard my husband works and appreciating him for it

that I can learn to do anything...if I try

that computers are an incredible blessing and also a pain when they dont work right:/

how blessed I have been to work in a Christian environment

so many computer skills that I never had before working

My whole routine is changing.

I will be busier with the kids being home all day.

God is calling me to a time of rest, and a time of seeking Him all the more.

I am entering a whole new world, a whole new culture...and this is just the first step.

God is preparing the Way for us in Belize

I just wanted to share some things that God has been doing to prepare for us to move to Belmopan Belize in a few months.

First of all, God pretty much did some major heart surgery on me. He totally turned my heart and made me happy about it.

Second of all, He has taken care of every detail to make our way smooth. Including selling our house in 10 days.

Third, He prepared the pastor who will be over us. He even went to help make preparations for when we first move. Finding a place for us to live for about a month while we find a house to rent. That blessed Lee and I so much when we went down there last month.

He prepared our children's hearts, and even others around us.

But today, the most amazing thing happened. 10 years ago, Lee and I made our first trip to Belize...to Belize City. We made a connection with a lady there. Even emailed her a couple of times several years ago. But really had not kept in contact and never returned to Belize City.
Today, she found Lee on Facebook and was so excited that we are coming and now lives in Belmopan. She offered to help in any way. This is just another confirmation of God's hands on our lives.

The next two weeks are going to be very hectic for me. Moving does not get any easier as you get older and have a little one, but I am just believing for God's strength. After all, look what He has done so far.