Battle

This morning as I was washing the breakfast dishes and cutting pineapples for lunch, my thoughts were swirling.  I am overwhelmed with excitement of going on a little break.  As I sat there, I thought, "This is how soldiers must feel when they go on leave..."  Going home is never the same.  You are different.  The battles you have fought are hard for others to understand.  But this is the one thing that I kept thinking...is how thankful I am for the enormous support system that awaits us.  I have been overwhelmed with messages on facebook and emails of people back home who are agreeing in prayer with us.  Who literally Hold Us Up.

The battle always seems to get more intense when we are about to receive a rest.  Every single time.  It has been a consistent issue as we have tried to take short overnight times away here or longer stay in the states.  But this I know is also true, that the Lord abundantly blesses us and refreshes and refills us to continue.  Every year, I go home to Texas very weary...yet, by the end of the trip, I am ready to return to what God has us here for.

My prayer on this trip is that my nucluer family would bond deeply.  We have never lived as just us, Lee, Robyn, Josh, Tori, Kailey and Erika....  Even on this trip, we will not be totally alone most of the time.  But Josh is taking this time off from work and I am praying that we have some real connected family, fun times, loving times.  My prayer is also that we see a healing for Erika.  But knowing sometimes, we must walk out the journey as well, I am praying for grace and wisdom for Lee and I as parents and for her siblings as well.  I have really been proud so far of how her brother (through facetime) and sisters have been with her.  And I am thankful for the support system we have here in Belize who all love Erika deeply.  And one other prayer is that LifeNet would thrive while we are gone.  Because ultimately, our prayer is to release this church plant into the hands of Belizeans.  So, I pray that even with us gone, that LifeNet would grow spiritually and numerically.

We are in our last weeks of school.  There is excitement in the air as the girls are slowing finishing up subjects.  We are all so ready for a little break...

We Welcome your Prayers

Seven years ago, God blessed us with one of the most precious gifts.  Something that I had prayed for for many years.  He blessed us with Erika.

Erika came into this world fighting.  Last night, I reread her birth story.  Her life is a miracle.  She was born at 33 weeks, weighing 3 lbs, with her intestines outside of her body and had major surgery 10 days later.  But God has always had a plan for this girl.  Her birthmom could not care for her so placed her in foster care.  The first foster family Erika lived with was amazing and loved her deeply and cared for her better than I could ever have expected.  The first time Erika spent the night with us, it was with 10 pages of instructions.  Because she was loved.

The first time I met Erika, I was smitten, in love, knew way deep down somewhere, that she was my child.  I can not explain it, simply know it is truth.  This girl brings so much joy wherever she goes.  As I watched her at her most recent birthday party with all of her friends, I was reminded of that.  Everyone loves Erika.

But right now, Erika needs your prayers.  And so does this momma.  About a month ago, we noticed Erika picking up some weird habits with shaking her neck, then it moved to crazy blinking and now it is a more pronounced shaking of her head and hands.  At first, I kept telling her to stop.  And I feel so bad now.  But I thought she was just trying to get attention.  On Thursday night at my NetGroup, I realized for the first time, that she was not faking.  That she literally could not control the impulses that were taking over her little body.  Only sleep allows her to rest.

Of course, being here in Belize, we feel so paralyzed.  We are on hold, medically, until we get to the states.  Thankfully, we already planned to go soon.  And with God's favor, we were able to get an appointment with a Pediatric Neurologist. 

We have done much "research" on the internet.  There is no cure.  But there is Jesus.  And we are believing for Jesus to touch her little body and bring healing.  The thing I pray most is that this will not change her, change her personality.  Yesterday, the girls in front of us at church just kept staring.  Because that is what kids do.  And Erika came and snuggled into me and told me she wanted to go home.  And kept asking me to pray for it to stop.  I have prayed and prayed and will continue to.  Because that is what Moms do.  We fight for our kids.  And so I am being very vulnerable and open with you and asking you to pray too for Erika.  Pray for healing and for our faith to increase and for us to have wisdom.

Thank you.

Friendship

Talk to any missionary on the field and they will tell you that friendships are difficult.  You relate more to other missionaries, yet they come and go.  So, you should be closer to the people of the country you live in, yet, there is always somewhat of a gap. 

So, finding a friend, that you can be totally vulnerable and open with, who is on the field with you, rather than just through Facebook, is priceless.

When people have asked to pray for me, it has been one of my biggest requests for myself and my girls.

The Lord has blessed us with friends recently.  I just went and spent some time with a very special woman.  Our connections run deep.  Both believers on the mission field, fostering to adopt children.  Hers are babies, mine a teen.  Yet, this common ground.  I could literally spend hours with her, yet saw that if I left, she may actually get a little rest while her babies slept.  But to have a friend, who will drop everything and just let you come and hang.

Friendship is so refreshing and so necessary.  I am so grateful for my friends in Texas and California.  They keep me going, encourage me, support me.  Yet, they do not live day to day life out with me.  So, having a friend here, where we actually have little time to just sit and visit, is life for me.

I am so thankful.

I still pray for that deep friendship for my two middle girls.  That the Lord would bring someone who uniquely gets them...and someone just fun to hang out with:)

We have a team coming in anytime today...so busy week ahead:)

My Place is in the Home

Recently, it is challenging for me to blog.  Either I feel it is just too personal to put out there or I'm just too busy to take the time to sit and type or I just feel like I really have nothing to say.

We have been blessed with some amazing ministry and touches from the Lord recently.  Our home church, Life Church, came and did a Marriage Weekend and we had 24 couples attend.  Do you know how huge that is?  And then this past weekend, a ministry out of South Carolina came and ministered to our girls and women.  So much ministry.  And then Sunday, we had this amazing time of worship.  I feel like God is just speaking and speaking to me.  And so many little victories and miracles that are happening in our church body right now.  It is quite exciting!

The first day of the Women's Ministry was a time just to bless and minister Pastor's and Missionary's wives.  I fall into both categories:)  It was awesome.  I loved how many friends I got to see and catch up with.  And I loved being able to let my guard down.  Although there were people from our church, they are missionaries and I was not there to minister, but to soak.

One of my friends, who is also a missionary/pastor's wife, and is also adopting a little girl here in Belize, and I began to talk.  It was so refreshing to hear the same words come out of her mouth that I feel so many times.  But I thought about her words.  She said she felt so naive going into it...that love could just fix everything...but that it is so much more.  And that she feels this experience has changed her, changed her family.  I feel those same things.  I feel that I am a different person after my journey with Erika, and now with Kailey.  But I thought, that's okay?  I am learning so many things.  That you can't get from a book or a message.  Life is teaching me.  And the victories?  They are greater because it took more work to get to them.  Even our marriage is changing.  But in a good way.  We have to be in unity.  And that is not always easy.  I realize on a deeper level how much I need my husband's covering spiritually in this journey.  For example, usually I stay behind a week after him when we go home, but I will not do that this time.  I need my husband like never before.  And I need time with him.  Like dates where we get away.  Like never before.  And sometimes I just need him to listen when the day has been long and rough.  Sometimes I think why homeschooling on top of all this adjustment?  But then, I think how it is the right thing.  I am seeing Kailey blossom educationally and know that would not happen if I was sending her to school.  I also feel like all the togetherness all the time sometimes gets old, but it also allows us to make up for lost time bonding wise.  When you get a girl that is already mostly grown, everything has to happen faster.  So we can make spontaneous fun ice cream runs or join the teams as they come into town.  So many opportunities we would not have if we were bound to the schedule of regular school.

So, the main thing the Lord is pouring into me right now is my role is very narrow right now.  To mother my girls.  To be here for them as much as I can.  I do get short times away for my sanity's sake, but they are truly my first priority.  The other day I said to the Lord, as my nest empties, it is supposed to get easier, not more challenging, and I felt He very clearly said, That is why I sent Elizabeth.  And Elizabeth is awesome.  She does so many things for LifeNet beyond Children's Ministry, yet still helps me with the girls.  She is fun and easy to talk to which is perfect for them and me.  Not to mention, she does dishes like every single night!!!

After this past weekend, I am encouraged.  I feel that we have been climbing this very difficult mountain.  The days are sometimes long and hard.  But we are seeing the top.  Seeing a time of rest and peace coming.  Seeing the Lord heal what the enemy tried to steal.

Our family is different.  We are changed through these processes.  But what amazing diamonds are being formed in the journey.  What compassion and learning to love our children are getting.

Adopting an Older Child

This journey.  God has once again put us on this journey to adoption.  It is a long road.  It is at times excruciating.  But the rewards are beautiful.

One of the biggest differences between these two adoptions is this...I am Erika's mom.  I am the only mom she knows and she loves me with all that is within her.  Yes, she knows there is a birthmom out there somewhere.  But it is not the subject of much thought for her.  I have an intimate connection with her heart and honestly, it feels as if I carried her in my womb just like Josh and Tori.

But I am not my older daughter's only mom.  I am just one of her moms.  I did not see her grow up, nor did she get to grow up with the way I do things.  Sometimes even just "connecting" can take a small miracle.

But yesterday, we had a connection.  And it was beautiful.  Erika had to go take a nap, Elizabeth was napping and Tori went to visit a friend.  Lee was in his office.  So it was just us.  This rarely happens.  There is a movie she has wanted to watch that the others did not want to.  So I thought, perfect time.  So I told her I was going to drop Tori off and for her to wait for me and we would watch the movie...her favorite movie.  She screamed with excitement and said "you are the best!"  It was such a moving moment for me.  I came home and made us fancy coffees with chocolate and we watched the movie together...and talked about it along the way.  It was a bonding moment, in all its simplicity, that was so perfect.  And I am so thankful.

I don't know what today will hold.  But I do know one thing.  God asked us to do this.  And He does not leave us when He tells us to do something.  So I pray and believe for more special moments.  More moments to become the best mom for her.  More moments for her to trust me and come to me.

Four Years

In one week, we will celebrate moving to Belize four years ago.  February 2, 2011.  The feelings of that first day, those first days, that first month, that first year still ring loudly in my heart.  Moving to Belize has been an experience unlike any other thing I have experienced in my life up until that point.  Yet, now, the longer I live here, it is my new norm.  Belize is now my home.  And the States is where we go to visit every year.   It is weird and I don't know when it changed.  And this creates challenges to my blogging.  Because now everything is familiar.  There is nothing to blog about.

This morning, I could not get enough water pressure to make my shower warm.  So I shivered and shivered and washed my hair as fast as I could in the ice cold water.  And thought of so many people in my own church, in my own oikos, that always take cold showers.

The last two nights I dreamed of my son.  I am sure it is because I miss him.  Or maybe because I need to pray for him.  But I once again was a little sad that I can't just get in the car and go up and visit him next weekend.

But then on the flip side, yesterday while Elizabeth conducted a Children's Ministry meeting, I watched a couple of the kids in my room with my kids.  I looked at Chloe...who is now a beautiful, healthy 3 year old.  But I remember the night she was born way too early and we prayed and prayed for God to protect her life.  And every time I look at her, I believe in miracles.

I look at the beautiful 14 year old girl who God has called us to adopt.  Someone said to me this week...what if God didn't call you?  Where would she be?  Would she have gotten a family who would fight so hard for her...spiritually, emotionally, etc?  It opened my eyes.  Reminded me of my purpose as a mom.

Our family has purpose here.  Yes, I miss my family in the states.  Especially Josh.  But our family is touching many other families, many other lives.

Tori tutors a little girl every week.  Tuesday as I sat at ballet, that mother bragged on Tori and how she works with her daughter.  I watched on Thursday night as Erika played with one of the babies in our NetGroup, allowing her parents to be able to participate.

I look forward to a consistent hot shower, Target shopping, eating out at my favorite restaurants....soon.  But I also see that God still has a purpose for us here.  So I will try not to complain about my freezing cold shower:/

Goodbyes Stink!

We had a wonderful visit with my in-laws and Josh.  I really cannot believe how fast the ten days flew by.  It just felt so good to have my family all under one roof.  It was good to sit across the table and see Josh.  It was good to see Josh torment his sisters with teasing.  It was good to play games as a family.  It was just good.

But today we took them to the airport.  And that was really, really hard for me.  As they got closer to leaving, the lump in my throat grew and grew.  As I gave Josh a hug, he said, "you gonna cry?"  I said, "in the van..."

But then the flood hit.  

One of the very high costs of being on the mission field.  

The goodbyes.

And they stink.

And they get harder instead of easier.

And then people say "two more years for Tori."

I am so grateful how well Josh is doing in school, in his life, on his own.

I am so grateful for our families, who visit him, minister to him, love on him, spoil him.

I am so grateful for his University, that specifically ministers to missionary kids.

But NONE of that takes away how much I miss him.  The moment he left, I felt such a deep hole.  But it will get easier.  Because each day will get busy.  And I will have things to do.  And all of a sudden, I will once again be counting down the days to seeing him again.

And this is just part of our kids growing up.

We have had two new baby boys born this week in the church.  One last Saturday and one today.  And my advice?  Savor every single moment.  Because they go so fast.  And when you are with them, savor the moments as well.

I now know how our parents felt/feel.

At least a little...