Grief

Unfortunately, grief is something I have learned so much about in the past six years.  I have experienced it on a deeper level, closer level, here in my time in Belize.  I have seen people lose children.  It is heartbreaking.  And even with Jesus, it is such a deep loss.  I have seen children lose parents...in that they could never go again go home.  That is a very real loss and the child grieves deeply.  I have watched people walk through the pain of divorce.   After many years of marriage.  But I have also seen God be there in the midst of each of those journeys.

I have learned that grief hits in waves.  It affects all of us differently.  Hopefully, there eventually comes healing and a new hope.  And hopefully we will use that journey to be understanding to others.  Hopefully, we will use that journey as a time to grow in Him deep deep roots.

I have walked through my own journey of grief.   You see there is a grief in being called from your home to serve somewhere else.  I am sure that soldiers must also experience it.  I remember when we first had to sell our house, all of our "stuff", it was so heartbreaking.  Yes, I wanted to be obedient to Jesus.  But the loss is real.  I do not have a home to come home to anymore.  My home is now in Belize.  But when I am in the states, I have to stay with other people or hotels.  But the positive of this, is that this has also been such a special time.   Time that we would never have had.  Having to depend on our families to take us in.  It has made us closer and made us more appreciative of what we have.  It has made our time in the states a time where we really get to be with family.  We are not bound to a house to take care of.

Also, coming to Belize was a journey of rebuilding.  When we first moved here, noone knew us.  People were not always welcoming and friendly.  Even spoke things about us that were not true.  We had to build a church but also had to build a reputation.  That was so hard.  We were loved in Katy.  Everyone knew us.  So there was a grief of coming and being a "nobody".  Even untruths spoken about us.  But even that, God has redeemed.  I still don't care to be known, perse, but welcomed, yes.  As we drive around, everyone knows us in this little city.  We know people from the mayor to those who struggle deeply in life.  Our family coming to Belize has touched many people's lives.  I don't say that to brag.  I say that there was deep purpose in God calling us here.  Sometimes, we need to be reminded of that.

Coming to Belize, I had to give up being Pastor's wife at a church where we were deeply loved and blessed.  A church where the staff was family.  A church where the congregation walked out the journey of us adopting Erika.  Erika was the church's baby.  There was deep grief and loss to have to leave Life Church.  But if I had not come here, I would not be who I am now.  The experiences I have walked through these past years have aged me, both physically and spiritually.  My faith in God has grown to such a deep place.  So even when it hurts, I know somehow He will pull us through.  He has brought me to a place that I can lead a small group, or even preach in front of the whole church.  Both are challenges still to me, but I can do it...with His help.  I recently went through something that I told my Net Leader about.   I told her that the Old Robyn would have called and said I was sick rather than face what I had to face.  But the new TRUSTING in JESUS deeply Robyn showed up.  It took me an afternoon of worship to get there, but I just trusted Him.  And He gave me strength.  So, maybe my life is not cushy like it was in the states, but I do feel that my ministry is so much deeper here.

One more area of grief, that probably most don't think about.  Sending my kids to the states for college.  It is the right decision.  After years of being homeschooled, they need to be educated in a good University.  We are so blessed.  SAGU has been such a good home for Josh.  He is anxious for Tori to join him.   I am so happy for her too.  A little nervous, as she has not had the experience driving that she needs.  But I am excited to watch her bloom like we have seen Josh do.  But there is deep sadness for me.  And for her.  We are very close.  She is my best friend (after Lee).  She helps me in all ways.  Plus we talk about everything.  I am sure we will still message each other all the time on Facebook.  But it will not be the same.  And being here, I cannot just make a quick trip to see her.  So there is grief.  Of losing my baby girl.  And being so far away here in Belize.  But I hold on to the things he has done in me and in her in Belize.  And I believe He will continue this amazing work in her...with a little space from her mama;)

Sunday, our worship service was amazing.  We had guests here who just led us into a deep time of worship and many were ministered to at the altars afterward.  After church, we headed to Placencia, a peninsula down south.  Lee's parents are here and just treated us to a wonderful night away.  We are so blessed to have families who pour into us and love us.  It helps us to keep going.  They support us and encourage us.  We are just so blessed!!!

Today is a pivotal day in our family.  The case worker is supposed to go to court and terminate our littlest mom's rights.  It will be a day of grief.  I will dress her in a pretty dress and take her to say goodbye.   I am dreading this day, yet ready for it to come.  Because in the grief, I know Jesus will be there.  And then she can begin to truly bloom.  She needs the certainty of her future.  And right now her future is still unknown.  And that is a hard place for a little girl to be.

The Atmosphere

The atmosphere in our home, at times, is very heavy.   Ministry is heavy.  Foster care is heavy.   Life gets heavy sometimes.

The last week has been tough.  We should have been celebrating six years.   But it was just a heavy week.  

This morning my mom shared my blog from six years ago.  Wow.   It was so crazy for me to read.  The beginnings of our time here.  So new and full of hope.  Not any too bad experiences yet.   We were in the honeymoon days of mission life.   It was so good and healing to read that this morning.

Slowly, the sun shines again.   Slowly, we see that yes, Jesus is still here.   Still has us here.   He is not done with us.  On the contrary, much work to do.  But different work.  A different season.

This week, we began the huge job of planning our trip in May.  Registering for convention, buying plane tickets, renting a vehicle.   All things a little harder because of sketchy internet.   But rewarding as we get things done.

This week, we were given a hint of permanence.   Kaileys adoption homestudy finally scheduled.   Our newest one-- we were finally given permission to begin the process of passports and visas.

The atmosphere has changed.

When I took her for her passport photo, it was all so exciting.  I can't imagine the day we fly to the states.  But there was this hope.   Like her whole face, which is always happy, is more peaceful.  There is grief of a life with us.   It means she will never go home.   Adoption is mixed with grief on both sides.   I grieve that I never got to hold her as a baby or see her start preschool.  I grieve that I couldn't save her from sad things in her life.   But as just she and I ran errands today, I rejoice that Jesus entrusts me to take her the rest of the way.   That now I get to be her mom.   That every day she tells me she loves me and hugs me and tells me she loves living with us.   This is joy.  This restoration of a life.  And this changes the atmosphere in a home.   This is family.   Her skin is darker than mine.   Her hair straighter.   But I'm her mom.   What an honor.  

Uncertainty

Uncertainty is a hard place to be.  Sometimes we wish we knew the future.   That we could plan or get excited if we knew what was going to happen.   But sometimes I think the reason God doesn't show it all to us is because we are not ready yet.   

Recently I had a lazy day where I stayed in my pjs all day and watched home videos from our early years of marriage.   I did cook two meals, but sometimes you just need to relax and I did.   Anyway, I had this sweet little baby boy.   If you would have told me that twenty years into the future, I would have five children, I would not have believed it.    Living in Belize?    No way.  Homeschooling?  Never.  

God only reveals to us what we can handle at the time.   And then gives us the tools as we walk through each new challenge.   

If I would have known the journey moving to Belize would have been, I would have refused to come.   Refused to give up my comfortable life.   But looking back.   Six years into this journey....I wouldn't trade it.   I've grown in ways I never would have.   I've learned things about myself.   And although we definitely did not come to Belize to adopt, God has brought two little girls into our family who desperately needed a family.  

This next year entails lots of change.   We don't know all the details of this next year.   But one day at a time, He walks with us through our uncertainties.  

He walks with us...

This blog is in one way, a journal.  Something I can look back at someday.  How God was with us through it all.  My heart's desire is to someday write a book about how the Lord led us to foster and adopt and to the mission field.  He has taught me so many things in both of these journeys.  I am not the same person I was 10 years ago.

Fostering is not for the faint of heart.  Sometimes it would be easier to just give up and walk away.  But then God has this gentle way of reminding us that He has called us to take care of these children.  That He places the lonely in families.

Foster care is a broken system.  Both of my older daughters are drawn to it, though.  I pray the Lord will use them to bring health.

Broken children from broken homes come with unhealthy habits.  Parenting these children requires a lot of patience.  And this week has been hard.  When a child grows up with nothing, they never learn to value and take care of things.  This is our biggest struggle right now.  And knowing how, as healthy parents, to teach these things to a child who just doesn't get it.

Sunday, the Lord was very present in our worship.  He spoke powerful things to me for my older girls and then for our newest one as well.  He reminded me that He is with us.  That He put her in our home because we are her family.  He filled me with love for her once again.  Then as soon as church finished, there was another incident.  Another broken object because of neglect.  So Lee and I decided to just get away for a night.  It was the healthiest thing we could have done.  Just to focus on our marriage, other things.  Take a break.

We are still in the middle of it.  But we are also reminded that God heals.  That families stick together and work it through.  We don't give up on our kids.  We just keep pushing through.  Keep lovingly correcting.  And keep praying.  After all, God doesn't give up on us...

This song really ministered to me on Sunday.  I know the Lord definitely uses music to speak to me.  I wanted to share the lyrics, because we are all on a journey.

"Shepherd"

In the process
In the waiting
You're making melodies over me
And your presence
is the promise
For I am a pilgrim on a journey

You will lift my head above the mighty waves
You are able to keep me from stumbling
And in my weakness
you are the strength that comes from within
Good shepherd of my soul
Take my hand and lead me on

You make my footsteps and my path secure
So walking on water is just the beginning
Cause my faith to arise, stand at attention
For You are calling me to greater things

Oh
how I love You
how I love You
You have not forsaken me
Oh
How I love You
how I love You
With you is where I want to be

If you want to listen to it..

It seems like when we go through times when we need God the most, need His answers...that is when we are also most in tune with what He is saying....

Listening to what Daddy God is teaching me....

Foster care Advocate

I seem to have become an advocate for those looking into fostering and adopting.  I realize that my non-biological children now outnumber my biological ones.   Sometimes this life I lead still surprises me.   I'm not an expert by any means and feel some days that I am just treading water...

This morning the recurring theme the Lord is speaking to me is that being a mom is enough.   That raising kids who bloom into adults that are healthy and a blessing to those around them is enough.   We just had a too short visit with Josh.   I'm biased, of course, but he is such a wonderful young man. My times with him are so short now but I see his growth and maturity.   And of course I love him like he still is the baby boy I prayed for so many years ago.

Tori and I walked this morning.  Her time under our roof is so short.  I wish I could will time to slow down.   Normally I look forward to going to the states each year.  This year I dread it so deeply.  She is an amazing young woman who blesses me so much.  She is a great big sister.   Last night she took the two youngest on her weekly babysitting job so they could play with the kids.  The girls had a blast.   She always does fun crafts with the girls.  I will miss her creativity.   She never ceases to amaze me.   I will also just miss her companionship.

Then there is Kailey.   The quietest one in the house.  Last night, just her and I watched a movie together.   There was just this sweetness about that time.   I know things will change when she becomes the oldest.  I love watching her bloom.  Yesterday, she did amazing on an English test.  In fact, I think it's her best subject (just like me).   I told her how amazing that was because English is not her first language.   I love seeing how far she has come in so many areas.  I'm so blessed to get to be her mama.

Then I have two ten year olds.  In so many ways, it's a blessing.  They keep the house alive.   They have constant companions in each other.  They are both bright and both strong girls.  God saved my biggest challenge for last, after I had some practice with the others.

My newest girl often speaks of wanting us to adopt her.  We are willing butvneed things to happen beyond our control.   She speaks and writes creole, which is not proper English.   It can be a challenge to allow her to keep her culture, yet be properly educated.   Erika has picked up creole with her living with us!

This morning, working with her in her English pace was excruciating.   I Honestly felt like giving up.   But then she tested and made a 97!!!   That was a big deal.   She is a bright girl, who can go far in life.   In her, I see the advantages of homeschooling because I'm able to catch her up so much more quickly.

Erika has become a much calmer girl over the past months.  As a parent, we watch things closely.  I want each of my children to thrive.  I cannot solve all of their problems and sometimes have to just encourage them as they figure things out.   Not knowing exactly how she felt about sharing the spot as youngest, I was so blessed of the sweetest things she told Larisha on her birthday.   About how she always wanted a sister her age.  How she loves having a friend all the time.  It brought tears to my eyes.  How God asks us to do things sometimes that seem crazy.  But when He is in it, His blessings abound.

All of this to say, a friend contacted me to pray as her family begins exploring fostering children.  I had so much I could tell her.  But didn't want yo say too much.  Or too little.  It's a crazy journey.  My life is often a circus.   But I wouldn't trade it for the world.  

One more story...our newest girl is a very loving girl.   She called us mom and dad almost immediately.   This morning, she was lying beside me reading while I was grading work.   I asked her if she knew I loved her.   She said, "of course I do.   You tell me all the time!"    And gave me a big hug.  I love this that she knows she's loved.  Especially because she definitely receives the most correction.   I'm also thankful that she hears it all the time.   If nothing else, I want my children to know they are loved and wanted...whether they came from my womb or not.

My life right now

The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord, And He delights in his way.  Psalm 37:23

Lately I feel as if I have the craziest life.  I know I don't.  I know God directs our steps. I know He paved the way for many of the things that happen and we are just to walk it out by faith.

Every nook and cranny of my home is filled.  We have seven people living in our four bedroom home. True, we probably have more square footage than most Belizeans.  But we all stay home all day doing school and work.  Sometimes I feel like the walls are caving in.  But they aren't.

Our newest nine year old uses my desk in my room for her schoolwork.  It works best because she is not distracted there.  But it means I am typing this blog now before I wake her up.  Sometimes I am a referee, just trying to keep Erika in her own room doing her schoolwork.  Helping the four girls with different work from different subjects from different grades can at times be overwhelming.  

Team that up with cooking two hot meals a day, doing seven peoples' laundry, and trying to run a vacuum because Net is tonight.

Every Wednesday, I teach a Bible Study at the local Crisis Pregnancy Help Center.  This requires preparation, typing out and copying the lesson, and time away from working with my girls.  Every week, I want to quit.  I usually only have 1-3 women show up.  The numbers are small.  Yesterday, I decided to take Erika with me, as she tends to not stay in her room when I am gone.  It was pouring rain.  Since all of my ladies walk, I really thought noone would be there.  Erika said, "Let's not go...noone will come."  But I said, "I have a committment, we must be there just in case."  I also really thought I was wasting my time.  But as I drove around the corner, one of my youngest girls was there, with a trash bag wrapped around her baby.  She had gotten a ride and was waiting for me.  I did the Bible study one-on-one with her and then took her home.  And I decided not to quit:)

Last Sunday night, we baptized our newest nine year old, along with 6 others.  This little girl wants to grow up and lead worship or be a pastor.  I believe she could do these things.  The enemy does not want her in our home.  Please pray for us.  For her.  It is real easy to hear of orphans, children in foster care and children's homes, and just move on.  It changes when they come to your church, and you know their stories and God won't let you get them off your mind.  I never thought we would adopt three children.  I knew we would adopt Erika.  She was my dream.  But these other two girls have become God's dream for our family.  Wherever I go, I have four beautiful, different looking, different race than me girls.  And they are all so beautiful.  So people sometimes stare.  Kailey once told me, she just smiles back, because she is so happy to be in our family:)  I truly believe God makes families.  Because although life is sometimes crazy, our family is beautiful.  Yesterday, I asked the two youngest girls to draw something fun they wanted.  Larisha drew our whole family in New York City.  Her dream to go to America is huge.  Erika drew a Christmas tree with all of us around it.  Her dream will come true (and mine too) because Josh will be here for Christmas this year.  I need no gifts because I will have all my children together.

Moving on, Lee is a busy man.  Three mornings a week, he is up early.  One day he meets with the city council and prays (the girls like this because he brings home fresh baked goods...that one of the men brings..from the meeting for them).  Two other mornings, he personally mentors two men in the church.  This morning, as I was getting the coffee going, the mayor walked in our gate.  This was powerful to me for two reasons.  First, Lee is mentoring the man who one day may be the prime minister.  He is a good man.  The other reason it was powerful to me is...he is such a humble man.  He brought in our empty trash can.  I don't know why...but it just struck me of his character. 

 On another note, last Sunday night, our School of Ministry...the seven that made it all the way through...gave their final sermons.  I asked Lee if I could go.  I am so glad I did.  I sat in awe, as almost all of them have been with us since we very first started LifeNet.  And they are true leaders.  The cream of the crop.  I wanted to cry tears of joy, as the Lord whispered in my ear...See...this is why I sent you and Lee to Belize.  I think sometimes God knows we just need to be reminded.

There are so many more things I would love to share.  But I have four girls who are not getting out of bed:)  Tomorrow I will throw my last birthday party for Tori.  Her and Kailey's birthdays are exactly two weeks apart, so we are having a joint slumber party.  It will be a blast.  They will be tired and grumpy the next day.  But this is part of the fun of being a mom.  Celebrating the lives of our precious children.  So we have rolled and frozen the meatballs, made props for our photo booth, bought the nail polish and face masks.  All the things these beautiful girls want to do.  One funny story is that when you have an artistic child, and you are making props, she sits down beside you and takes over!!!  Her art teacher contacted me and Tori will be displaying some of her art in a booth at an art show in a couple of weeks.  What an honor.

alright...time to get the day going...

My birthday, air conditioning, and things kids say

This weekend was my birthday.   Lee and I never really celebrated our anniversary this year.   Erika got hurt, a hurricane came and we had several teams back to back.   So for my birthday, we got away.

I cook a lot here in Belize.   For my birthday, I got a couple days off.   Between a birthday party and net group party and my birthday, I didn't cook all weekend.   It was glorious.

I sweat ALOT here in Belize.    Like basically all day until I shower and go to bed.   Friday and Saturday, I go to enjoy AC.   Where we were staying was beautiful, but honestly, we just wanted to relax, watch TV and not be hot.  It's the best gift I could have gotten.   When we came home Saturday afternoon, I immediately had to change back into my nonAC wardrobe.

Saturday night, a friend and church member had a huge birthday for her 30th birthday.   We enjoyed a fancy dinner with many friends from the church.   It was a dressy event and kind of a fun way to spend my birthday evening.

That night we came home, all tired from the busyness of life.   But before the girls were put to bed, they all spoke beautiful things to me.   There were a lot of tears.  But there was also this feeling of "we are doing ok."   Sometimes (the week leading up to my birthday), I get really overwhelmed.   All these kids, all this preparation of food and cleaning of clothes, and schooling of children, while trying to minister to ladies in the church and do a bible study... Sometimes I just wonder if any good is coming from my efforts?    But I had four girls express their love for me.   Tell me I'm their best friend.  Thank me for being obedient to take them in as daughters.  Tell me they see my sacrifice.   Thank me for taking care of them.  Telling me they like my cooking:).  There were laughs and there were tears, but I went to bed with a full heart.   This kids are my first ministry.   God can use me to show them so many truths.   Just by consistently loving them.  Lee also shared sweet things:)

So I've made it through one more year.  Thankful especially for my health.  A year ago was not my favorite time.   I remember in the healing time after my surgery, the Lord telling me He was preparing me for new things.   Never would I have known that it would be a very full of life 9 year old girl.  A girl who is full of joy, but who desperately needs the stability of a forever home.   The Lord is teaching me so much through this child.   That being loved is so important.  That being stable is so important.  And to try to learn to be a little more patient:)

So my life is full, busy, and exhausting!    But it's a wonderful life!