What God is Speaking to Me

The trip home to Texas was awesome.  Having my whole family together for Convention and the trip to Washington, D.C., was an incredible blessing to this mama's heart.

One theme that stood out to me from a lot of the speakers was that God asks us to the craziest things.  Things that people around us quite often don't understand.  When we go back to Katy, I often feel that people still wonder how we could have left...such an awesome church and community and being so close to all of our family.  But obedience to God sometimes means giving up those comforts to pour into people you would never meet in your community.  That doesn't mean our obedience to what God has called us to is easy.  Or that Lee and I are "saints".  It is a battle I often have to fight.  Even getting on the plane to come back.  It would be so much easier for me to just stay in Texas.  Leaving my two older kids is HARD.  Leaving my dad who is sick is heartbreaking.  But I know we have to finish the things God has started here in Belize.  Because I do feel and know that what we have brought is different and people's lives have been changed.  People who were unsaved or mediocre in their walk with the Lord are now stepping up to full time ministry  And that makes my heart overflow.  And that makes the almost seven years we have been here worth it.

Many places we went, people would ask, "you are adopting another one?"  As if, we just find children by the road and decide to bring them home.  Of course, that is not what people mean, but it feels that way.  We did not come to Belize with any intention to adopt more children.  My and Lee's heart was completely full with the three children we were blessed with in Texas.  But two times, God has spoken very strongly, to once again to step out in adoption.  Of two very specific girls.  And our lives are all the fuller because of it.  Their lives are completely different than they would have been if we had not stepped out.  Many girls who are in children's homes who are never adopted, "age out", and are pregnant within the first year, repeating a very broken cycle.   Lee and I cannot change the world.  But God can use our lives to change the lives of a few children.  Just like we cannot save the world, but we can impact the small nation of Belize.   Sometimes what God asks of us, others will never understand.  Sometimes people think its easy for us.  But it is not.  We are just like everyone else.  

Coming home to Belize has been....many things.   Sad, as we clear out Tori's room.  Frustrating, as we have had car trouble ever since we got here.  Heartbreaking, as we deal with a situation in the church.  BUT ALSO...  Exciting, as we see what God has been doing behind the scenes in our leaders.  Comforting, as we get to come back to all the Belizean food we miss in America.  Refreshing, as we clean out and move around the rooms.   Going from seven to five people, the house feels so BIG now!!   Hot, our first night, was the worst in a long time and none of us could sleep.

Belize will always be a special place in our lives.  Even as we someday release the church to the Belizean pastor, we will definitely always need to come back.  Having two Belizean girls, it made my heart so happy to buy some local Meat Pies and Panades for them yesterday after we took Elizabeth to the airport.   And Erika thinks she's Belizean:)

I'll love you even if...

I'm a missionary.   I'm a mom.   I'm a wife.   I'm a teacher.   And three of my children were born from other women.   God is teaching me so much in this journey.   And I feel like He will use it in the future to help others.

Sunday and Monday were very hard days for me.   For one, dry season came in with a fury.   We have had pretty nice weather and then, all of a sudden were hit with 100 degree days and no AC.

Sunday, we also learned of some deception going on with one of our younger girls.   And it involved other friends from church and dance.   After a full day of church service and then baptisms, we had to deal with it, visiting the other families.

The most important thing in our home is truth.   We thought we were getting through.

Monday afternoon, I broke.   I was just so angry.   And hot!   I asked, why, God?    I'm tired.   Overwhelmed.

Tuesday morning, after a good nights sleep, and fresh perspective, I sat her down.    I told her that she broke my heart.   That I thought she was learning to be honest, and then finding out, she really wasn't.   But I also told that I still loved her.   That I still am thankful that God chose me to be her mom.

Mothering the broken stretches you in ways you never thought.   Everything is different than a child who was raised in a healthy home.  Discipline has to be creative.   You have to break things that the enemy has had rule over for years.   And it seems that truth affects every area.  When trust is broken, it touches everything.

But I have a hope.   And His name is Jesus.   And that Jesus chose Lee and I to parent these children and teach them to come to Him.  And although I often feel ill equipped in this journey, I see that He is constantly working behind the scenes.

Grief

Unfortunately, grief is something I have learned so much about in the past six years.  I have experienced it on a deeper level, closer level, here in my time in Belize.  I have seen people lose children.  It is heartbreaking.  And even with Jesus, it is such a deep loss.  I have seen children lose parents...in that they could never go again go home.  That is a very real loss and the child grieves deeply.  I have watched people walk through the pain of divorce.   After many years of marriage.  But I have also seen God be there in the midst of each of those journeys.

I have learned that grief hits in waves.  It affects all of us differently.  Hopefully, there eventually comes healing and a new hope.  And hopefully we will use that journey to be understanding to others.  Hopefully, we will use that journey as a time to grow in Him deep deep roots.

I have walked through my own journey of grief.   You see there is a grief in being called from your home to serve somewhere else.  I am sure that soldiers must also experience it.  I remember when we first had to sell our house, all of our "stuff", it was so heartbreaking.  Yes, I wanted to be obedient to Jesus.  But the loss is real.  I do not have a home to come home to anymore.  My home is now in Belize.  But when I am in the states, I have to stay with other people or hotels.  But the positive of this, is that this has also been such a special time.   Time that we would never have had.  Having to depend on our families to take us in.  It has made us closer and made us more appreciative of what we have.  It has made our time in the states a time where we really get to be with family.  We are not bound to a house to take care of.

Also, coming to Belize was a journey of rebuilding.  When we first moved here, noone knew us.  People were not always welcoming and friendly.  Even spoke things about us that were not true.  We had to build a church but also had to build a reputation.  That was so hard.  We were loved in Katy.  Everyone knew us.  So there was a grief of coming and being a "nobody".  Even untruths spoken about us.  But even that, God has redeemed.  I still don't care to be known, perse, but welcomed, yes.  As we drive around, everyone knows us in this little city.  We know people from the mayor to those who struggle deeply in life.  Our family coming to Belize has touched many people's lives.  I don't say that to brag.  I say that there was deep purpose in God calling us here.  Sometimes, we need to be reminded of that.

Coming to Belize, I had to give up being Pastor's wife at a church where we were deeply loved and blessed.  A church where the staff was family.  A church where the congregation walked out the journey of us adopting Erika.  Erika was the church's baby.  There was deep grief and loss to have to leave Life Church.  But if I had not come here, I would not be who I am now.  The experiences I have walked through these past years have aged me, both physically and spiritually.  My faith in God has grown to such a deep place.  So even when it hurts, I know somehow He will pull us through.  He has brought me to a place that I can lead a small group, or even preach in front of the whole church.  Both are challenges still to me, but I can do it...with His help.  I recently went through something that I told my Net Leader about.   I told her that the Old Robyn would have called and said I was sick rather than face what I had to face.  But the new TRUSTING in JESUS deeply Robyn showed up.  It took me an afternoon of worship to get there, but I just trusted Him.  And He gave me strength.  So, maybe my life is not cushy like it was in the states, but I do feel that my ministry is so much deeper here.

One more area of grief, that probably most don't think about.  Sending my kids to the states for college.  It is the right decision.  After years of being homeschooled, they need to be educated in a good University.  We are so blessed.  SAGU has been such a good home for Josh.  He is anxious for Tori to join him.   I am so happy for her too.  A little nervous, as she has not had the experience driving that she needs.  But I am excited to watch her bloom like we have seen Josh do.  But there is deep sadness for me.  And for her.  We are very close.  She is my best friend (after Lee).  She helps me in all ways.  Plus we talk about everything.  I am sure we will still message each other all the time on Facebook.  But it will not be the same.  And being here, I cannot just make a quick trip to see her.  So there is grief.  Of losing my baby girl.  And being so far away here in Belize.  But I hold on to the things he has done in me and in her in Belize.  And I believe He will continue this amazing work in her...with a little space from her mama;)

Sunday, our worship service was amazing.  We had guests here who just led us into a deep time of worship and many were ministered to at the altars afterward.  After church, we headed to Placencia, a peninsula down south.  Lee's parents are here and just treated us to a wonderful night away.  We are so blessed to have families who pour into us and love us.  It helps us to keep going.  They support us and encourage us.  We are just so blessed!!!

Today is a pivotal day in our family.  The case worker is supposed to go to court and terminate our littlest mom's rights.  It will be a day of grief.  I will dress her in a pretty dress and take her to say goodbye.   I am dreading this day, yet ready for it to come.  Because in the grief, I know Jesus will be there.  And then she can begin to truly bloom.  She needs the certainty of her future.  And right now her future is still unknown.  And that is a hard place for a little girl to be.

The Atmosphere

The atmosphere in our home, at times, is very heavy.   Ministry is heavy.  Foster care is heavy.   Life gets heavy sometimes.

The last week has been tough.  We should have been celebrating six years.   But it was just a heavy week.  

This morning my mom shared my blog from six years ago.  Wow.   It was so crazy for me to read.  The beginnings of our time here.  So new and full of hope.  Not any too bad experiences yet.   We were in the honeymoon days of mission life.   It was so good and healing to read that this morning.

Slowly, the sun shines again.   Slowly, we see that yes, Jesus is still here.   Still has us here.   He is not done with us.  On the contrary, much work to do.  But different work.  A different season.

This week, we began the huge job of planning our trip in May.  Registering for convention, buying plane tickets, renting a vehicle.   All things a little harder because of sketchy internet.   But rewarding as we get things done.

This week, we were given a hint of permanence.   Kaileys adoption homestudy finally scheduled.   Our newest one-- we were finally given permission to begin the process of passports and visas.

The atmosphere has changed.

When I took her for her passport photo, it was all so exciting.  I can't imagine the day we fly to the states.  But there was this hope.   Like her whole face, which is always happy, is more peaceful.  There is grief of a life with us.   It means she will never go home.   Adoption is mixed with grief on both sides.   I grieve that I never got to hold her as a baby or see her start preschool.  I grieve that I couldn't save her from sad things in her life.   But as just she and I ran errands today, I rejoice that Jesus entrusts me to take her the rest of the way.   That now I get to be her mom.   That every day she tells me she loves me and hugs me and tells me she loves living with us.   This is joy.  This restoration of a life.  And this changes the atmosphere in a home.   This is family.   Her skin is darker than mine.   Her hair straighter.   But I'm her mom.   What an honor.  

Uncertainty

Uncertainty is a hard place to be.  Sometimes we wish we knew the future.   That we could plan or get excited if we knew what was going to happen.   But sometimes I think the reason God doesn't show it all to us is because we are not ready yet.   

Recently I had a lazy day where I stayed in my pjs all day and watched home videos from our early years of marriage.   I did cook two meals, but sometimes you just need to relax and I did.   Anyway, I had this sweet little baby boy.   If you would have told me that twenty years into the future, I would have five children, I would not have believed it.    Living in Belize?    No way.  Homeschooling?  Never.  

God only reveals to us what we can handle at the time.   And then gives us the tools as we walk through each new challenge.   

If I would have known the journey moving to Belize would have been, I would have refused to come.   Refused to give up my comfortable life.   But looking back.   Six years into this journey....I wouldn't trade it.   I've grown in ways I never would have.   I've learned things about myself.   And although we definitely did not come to Belize to adopt, God has brought two little girls into our family who desperately needed a family.  

This next year entails lots of change.   We don't know all the details of this next year.   But one day at a time, He walks with us through our uncertainties.  

He walks with us...

This blog is in one way, a journal.  Something I can look back at someday.  How God was with us through it all.  My heart's desire is to someday write a book about how the Lord led us to foster and adopt and to the mission field.  He has taught me so many things in both of these journeys.  I am not the same person I was 10 years ago.

Fostering is not for the faint of heart.  Sometimes it would be easier to just give up and walk away.  But then God has this gentle way of reminding us that He has called us to take care of these children.  That He places the lonely in families.

Foster care is a broken system.  Both of my older daughters are drawn to it, though.  I pray the Lord will use them to bring health.

Broken children from broken homes come with unhealthy habits.  Parenting these children requires a lot of patience.  And this week has been hard.  When a child grows up with nothing, they never learn to value and take care of things.  This is our biggest struggle right now.  And knowing how, as healthy parents, to teach these things to a child who just doesn't get it.

Sunday, the Lord was very present in our worship.  He spoke powerful things to me for my older girls and then for our newest one as well.  He reminded me that He is with us.  That He put her in our home because we are her family.  He filled me with love for her once again.  Then as soon as church finished, there was another incident.  Another broken object because of neglect.  So Lee and I decided to just get away for a night.  It was the healthiest thing we could have done.  Just to focus on our marriage, other things.  Take a break.

We are still in the middle of it.  But we are also reminded that God heals.  That families stick together and work it through.  We don't give up on our kids.  We just keep pushing through.  Keep lovingly correcting.  And keep praying.  After all, God doesn't give up on us...

This song really ministered to me on Sunday.  I know the Lord definitely uses music to speak to me.  I wanted to share the lyrics, because we are all on a journey.

"Shepherd"

In the process
In the waiting
You're making melodies over me
And your presence
is the promise
For I am a pilgrim on a journey

You will lift my head above the mighty waves
You are able to keep me from stumbling
And in my weakness
you are the strength that comes from within
Good shepherd of my soul
Take my hand and lead me on

You make my footsteps and my path secure
So walking on water is just the beginning
Cause my faith to arise, stand at attention
For You are calling me to greater things

Oh
how I love You
how I love You
You have not forsaken me
Oh
How I love You
how I love You
With you is where I want to be

If you want to listen to it..

It seems like when we go through times when we need God the most, need His answers...that is when we are also most in tune with what He is saying....

Listening to what Daddy God is teaching me....

Foster care Advocate

I seem to have become an advocate for those looking into fostering and adopting.  I realize that my non-biological children now outnumber my biological ones.   Sometimes this life I lead still surprises me.   I'm not an expert by any means and feel some days that I am just treading water...

This morning the recurring theme the Lord is speaking to me is that being a mom is enough.   That raising kids who bloom into adults that are healthy and a blessing to those around them is enough.   We just had a too short visit with Josh.   I'm biased, of course, but he is such a wonderful young man. My times with him are so short now but I see his growth and maturity.   And of course I love him like he still is the baby boy I prayed for so many years ago.

Tori and I walked this morning.  Her time under our roof is so short.  I wish I could will time to slow down.   Normally I look forward to going to the states each year.  This year I dread it so deeply.  She is an amazing young woman who blesses me so much.  She is a great big sister.   Last night she took the two youngest on her weekly babysitting job so they could play with the kids.  The girls had a blast.   She always does fun crafts with the girls.  I will miss her creativity.   She never ceases to amaze me.   I will also just miss her companionship.

Then there is Kailey.   The quietest one in the house.  Last night, just her and I watched a movie together.   There was just this sweetness about that time.   I know things will change when she becomes the oldest.  I love watching her bloom.  Yesterday, she did amazing on an English test.  In fact, I think it's her best subject (just like me).   I told her how amazing that was because English is not her first language.   I love seeing how far she has come in so many areas.  I'm so blessed to get to be her mama.

Then I have two ten year olds.  In so many ways, it's a blessing.  They keep the house alive.   They have constant companions in each other.  They are both bright and both strong girls.  God saved my biggest challenge for last, after I had some practice with the others.

My newest girl often speaks of wanting us to adopt her.  We are willing butvneed things to happen beyond our control.   She speaks and writes creole, which is not proper English.   It can be a challenge to allow her to keep her culture, yet be properly educated.   Erika has picked up creole with her living with us!

This morning, working with her in her English pace was excruciating.   I Honestly felt like giving up.   But then she tested and made a 97!!!   That was a big deal.   She is a bright girl, who can go far in life.   In her, I see the advantages of homeschooling because I'm able to catch her up so much more quickly.

Erika has become a much calmer girl over the past months.  As a parent, we watch things closely.  I want each of my children to thrive.  I cannot solve all of their problems and sometimes have to just encourage them as they figure things out.   Not knowing exactly how she felt about sharing the spot as youngest, I was so blessed of the sweetest things she told Larisha on her birthday.   About how she always wanted a sister her age.  How she loves having a friend all the time.  It brought tears to my eyes.  How God asks us to do things sometimes that seem crazy.  But when He is in it, His blessings abound.

All of this to say, a friend contacted me to pray as her family begins exploring fostering children.  I had so much I could tell her.  But didn't want yo say too much.  Or too little.  It's a crazy journey.  My life is often a circus.   But I wouldn't trade it for the world.  

One more story...our newest girl is a very loving girl.   She called us mom and dad almost immediately.   This morning, she was lying beside me reading while I was grading work.   I asked her if she knew I loved her.   She said, "of course I do.   You tell me all the time!"    And gave me a big hug.  I love this that she knows she's loved.  Especially because she definitely receives the most correction.   I'm also thankful that she hears it all the time.   If nothing else, I want my children to know they are loved and wanted...whether they came from my womb or not.