Surgery Again?

You can just be going along and out of nowhere, life happens.

About a month ago, we had just returned home from the states.   It was a busy time for me.  Moving things around as all the girls moved rooms.  Going through things Tori left behind.  Going through clothes we had all outgrown or didn't need any longer.  It was a very busy time.  Cleaning the house and restocking groceries.

I had gone to my Net Thursday night.  Just getting back into the routine.

Friday morning, I woke up around 2 or 3 with pain.  I walked.  Drank tea.  Prayed for the pain to pass.  But it kept getting worse.  I couldn't lie down and rest.  Finally, around 5, I woke up Lee and told him I was worried something was really wrong.  Such intense pain in my side...that just wouldn't go away.

After talking to my mom, we began a very difficult journey just to get a sonogram and some pain meds.  We were unable to get a good sonogram until after 11am.  So all of the hours between 3 and 12 were some of the hardest I have been through in a long time.   I repeatedly threw up and the pain would just not budge, even with two shots of pain meds.  I have never cried out to the Lord so much.  Yet, I begged Him for just some relief.  At one point, I felt the Lord tell me, "There's healing in the water."  This is Biblical, but also from one of my favorite songs.  So, I filled the tub and got about 20 minutes of relief.  It was short in the span of time, but I was thankful.  Because God is compassionate and merciful.

Finally, at noon, after finding a stone in the duct of my gall bladder (which is why it was so painful), Lee took me to a brand new clinic here in Belmopan.  The Doctor I am familiar with, and she was so compassionate.  I was so weak that I literally collapsed on the bed, no longer having the strength to stand.  She gave me some heavy pain meds, and antibiotic and fluids.  I was finally able to sleep.  I slept from noon until about 6 the next morning.  I woke a few times but it was a very good rest.  I was thankful Lee was able to stay in the other bed in the room, so that I wasn't alone.

It was decided that the best thing was for me to fly home to Houston.  My family is there, so they could help take care of me and we have insurance there.

The Lord was in that decision.

I arrived at my parents around 9 pm on Saturday and set up a surgeon for Sunday morning.  But by midnight, the pain had "shifted" to my lower abdomen and I began running a fever.  I had a hard time walking, but felt I needed to tell my parents to go ahead and take me to the hospital.

After about 8 hours and many, many tests, it was discovered that I had an even more serious problem with one of my ovaries.  It was the Lord that I was in a place where they would find this.  The surgeon was able to take care of both things at the same time.

My parents took excellent care of me and I healed pretty quickly.   Since I have been home, my girls have been so great helping with things around the house, just happy for mom to be back home.


In everything, I always try to understand, WHY?

I am thankful and blessed that I was able to go for excellent medical care in Houston.  But I am also thankful for what the doctor here in Belmopan did for me.   I am mostly grateful for her and her nurses, who were full of compassion.  I am grateful for family that serves us.  My parents in taking care of me.  Wayne and Jodie picking me up from the airport and bringing my older kids for the surgery.  To see their faces brought me such peace.  Just having people around me.  And the way people here in Belize served my husband and girls with meals.  It meant more than I could ever say.

One thing that I did not know what how my diet would have to change without a gall bladder.

But can I tell you?  I feel better than I have in years!!!

I eat very low fat, no caffeine (yes, I have not had a coke in a month), little dairy.

But I am surviving.   Thriving.  I have so much energy.  I sleep so great now.  I walk with the girls and that has also given me energy.  I rarely have headaches now.  I could go on and on.  I just feel so great.  It is amazing how your diet actually does affect you!


Please continue to pray for our family.  We are in the final time of waiting for our Belizean citizenship.  We are also in the end stages of adoption of two of our girls.  We pray for these things every day.  Sometimes the waiting is so hard.  When there literally is nothing we can do, but trust the Lord.  But it is in those times, that He gets to show off, right?

Maybe you are waiting for something.

I love this song because in the waiting, He is There!!!


Take Courage

Family Photos

We have been so blessed to have amazing photographers in our lives.  I love photos.  I love to look back at how the kids have changed, grown.  I love the memories.  Taking the photos requires a lot of patience, though.  And this year, getting seven people to cooperate, Alice Salinas deserves a medal.

I wanted to share a few of the photos.

Our family doesn't necessarily look like everyone else's family...but I think our family is beautiful!!!

Leaving Tori for College

Three years ago, we took Josh to college.  Thankfully  my parents came and drove me back to Houston.  I could not have done it.  Josh has thrived and we are so proud of him.  But I still miss him being here.  When he arrived home from his mission trip to India, he was sick, and I was glad that Lee and I were there to take him to the doctor.  Because even when your child is grown, they are still your baby.  The three weeks we had together as a family were such a blessing to me.  Josh being with all of the girls...just brought so much joy and laughter.  We were complete for those weeks.

But then we came back to Katy, and it was time to pack up and come back to Belize.  Monday night, there were many tears as we spent time in our room with all five of our kids.  Speaking words of encouragement, but also sadness, as Tori would not return with us.  But knowing that growing up is part of having a child.  Yes, we know that they cannot live with us forever.  But the pain of missionary life is that I have to leave her several months early so that she can learn to drive in America.  The pain that I can't just drive and see her when I miss her...or if she misses me.  But I am thankful that I will get to go in August to take her to college.  And that Wayne and Jodie will be there to drive me back to Houston:)  I am so thankful for a brother and sister in law that have taken in my two oldest children.  That they are working with her to drive, help her find a job, be there for her when it is hard.

One thing of living on the mission field, is that it has taught me to treasure time with people.  With friends.  With family.  With my children.  Because time is so precious and goes so fast.

What God is Speaking to Me

The trip home to Texas was awesome.  Having my whole family together for Convention and the trip to Washington, D.C., was an incredible blessing to this mama's heart.

One theme that stood out to me from a lot of the speakers was that God asks us to the craziest things.  Things that people around us quite often don't understand.  When we go back to Katy, I often feel that people still wonder how we could have left...such an awesome church and community and being so close to all of our family.  But obedience to God sometimes means giving up those comforts to pour into people you would never meet in your community.  That doesn't mean our obedience to what God has called us to is easy.  Or that Lee and I are "saints".  It is a battle I often have to fight.  Even getting on the plane to come back.  It would be so much easier for me to just stay in Texas.  Leaving my two older kids is HARD.  Leaving my dad who is sick is heartbreaking.  But I know we have to finish the things God has started here in Belize.  Because I do feel and know that what we have brought is different and people's lives have been changed.  People who were unsaved or mediocre in their walk with the Lord are now stepping up to full time ministry  And that makes my heart overflow.  And that makes the almost seven years we have been here worth it.

Many places we went, people would ask, "you are adopting another one?"  As if, we just find children by the road and decide to bring them home.  Of course, that is not what people mean, but it feels that way.  We did not come to Belize with any intention to adopt more children.  My and Lee's heart was completely full with the three children we were blessed with in Texas.  But two times, God has spoken very strongly, to once again to step out in adoption.  Of two very specific girls.  And our lives are all the fuller because of it.  Their lives are completely different than they would have been if we had not stepped out.  Many girls who are in children's homes who are never adopted, "age out", and are pregnant within the first year, repeating a very broken cycle.   Lee and I cannot change the world.  But God can use our lives to change the lives of a few children.  Just like we cannot save the world, but we can impact the small nation of Belize.   Sometimes what God asks of us, others will never understand.  Sometimes people think its easy for us.  But it is not.  We are just like everyone else.  

Coming home to Belize has been....many things.   Sad, as we clear out Tori's room.  Frustrating, as we have had car trouble ever since we got here.  Heartbreaking, as we deal with a situation in the church.  BUT ALSO...  Exciting, as we see what God has been doing behind the scenes in our leaders.  Comforting, as we get to come back to all the Belizean food we miss in America.  Refreshing, as we clean out and move around the rooms.   Going from seven to five people, the house feels so BIG now!!   Hot, our first night, was the worst in a long time and none of us could sleep.

Belize will always be a special place in our lives.  Even as we someday release the church to the Belizean pastor, we will definitely always need to come back.  Having two Belizean girls, it made my heart so happy to buy some local Meat Pies and Panades for them yesterday after we took Elizabeth to the airport.   And Erika thinks she's Belizean:)

I'll love you even if...

I'm a missionary.   I'm a mom.   I'm a wife.   I'm a teacher.   And three of my children were born from other women.   God is teaching me so much in this journey.   And I feel like He will use it in the future to help others.

Sunday and Monday were very hard days for me.   For one, dry season came in with a fury.   We have had pretty nice weather and then, all of a sudden were hit with 100 degree days and no AC.

Sunday, we also learned of some deception going on with one of our younger girls.   And it involved other friends from church and dance.   After a full day of church service and then baptisms, we had to deal with it, visiting the other families.

The most important thing in our home is truth.   We thought we were getting through.

Monday afternoon, I broke.   I was just so angry.   And hot!   I asked, why, God?    I'm tired.   Overwhelmed.

Tuesday morning, after a good nights sleep, and fresh perspective, I sat her down.    I told her that she broke my heart.   That I thought she was learning to be honest, and then finding out, she really wasn't.   But I also told that I still loved her.   That I still am thankful that God chose me to be her mom.

Mothering the broken stretches you in ways you never thought.   Everything is different than a child who was raised in a healthy home.  Discipline has to be creative.   You have to break things that the enemy has had rule over for years.   And it seems that truth affects every area.  When trust is broken, it touches everything.

But I have a hope.   And His name is Jesus.   And that Jesus chose Lee and I to parent these children and teach them to come to Him.  And although I often feel ill equipped in this journey, I see that He is constantly working behind the scenes.

Grief

Unfortunately, grief is something I have learned so much about in the past six years.  I have experienced it on a deeper level, closer level, here in my time in Belize.  I have seen people lose children.  It is heartbreaking.  And even with Jesus, it is such a deep loss.  I have seen children lose parents...in that they could never go again go home.  That is a very real loss and the child grieves deeply.  I have watched people walk through the pain of divorce.   After many years of marriage.  But I have also seen God be there in the midst of each of those journeys.

I have learned that grief hits in waves.  It affects all of us differently.  Hopefully, there eventually comes healing and a new hope.  And hopefully we will use that journey to be understanding to others.  Hopefully, we will use that journey as a time to grow in Him deep deep roots.

I have walked through my own journey of grief.   You see there is a grief in being called from your home to serve somewhere else.  I am sure that soldiers must also experience it.  I remember when we first had to sell our house, all of our "stuff", it was so heartbreaking.  Yes, I wanted to be obedient to Jesus.  But the loss is real.  I do not have a home to come home to anymore.  My home is now in Belize.  But when I am in the states, I have to stay with other people or hotels.  But the positive of this, is that this has also been such a special time.   Time that we would never have had.  Having to depend on our families to take us in.  It has made us closer and made us more appreciative of what we have.  It has made our time in the states a time where we really get to be with family.  We are not bound to a house to take care of.

Also, coming to Belize was a journey of rebuilding.  When we first moved here, noone knew us.  People were not always welcoming and friendly.  Even spoke things about us that were not true.  We had to build a church but also had to build a reputation.  That was so hard.  We were loved in Katy.  Everyone knew us.  So there was a grief of coming and being a "nobody".  Even untruths spoken about us.  But even that, God has redeemed.  I still don't care to be known, perse, but welcomed, yes.  As we drive around, everyone knows us in this little city.  We know people from the mayor to those who struggle deeply in life.  Our family coming to Belize has touched many people's lives.  I don't say that to brag.  I say that there was deep purpose in God calling us here.  Sometimes, we need to be reminded of that.

Coming to Belize, I had to give up being Pastor's wife at a church where we were deeply loved and blessed.  A church where the staff was family.  A church where the congregation walked out the journey of us adopting Erika.  Erika was the church's baby.  There was deep grief and loss to have to leave Life Church.  But if I had not come here, I would not be who I am now.  The experiences I have walked through these past years have aged me, both physically and spiritually.  My faith in God has grown to such a deep place.  So even when it hurts, I know somehow He will pull us through.  He has brought me to a place that I can lead a small group, or even preach in front of the whole church.  Both are challenges still to me, but I can do it...with His help.  I recently went through something that I told my Net Leader about.   I told her that the Old Robyn would have called and said I was sick rather than face what I had to face.  But the new TRUSTING in JESUS deeply Robyn showed up.  It took me an afternoon of worship to get there, but I just trusted Him.  And He gave me strength.  So, maybe my life is not cushy like it was in the states, but I do feel that my ministry is so much deeper here.

One more area of grief, that probably most don't think about.  Sending my kids to the states for college.  It is the right decision.  After years of being homeschooled, they need to be educated in a good University.  We are so blessed.  SAGU has been such a good home for Josh.  He is anxious for Tori to join him.   I am so happy for her too.  A little nervous, as she has not had the experience driving that she needs.  But I am excited to watch her bloom like we have seen Josh do.  But there is deep sadness for me.  And for her.  We are very close.  She is my best friend (after Lee).  She helps me in all ways.  Plus we talk about everything.  I am sure we will still message each other all the time on Facebook.  But it will not be the same.  And being here, I cannot just make a quick trip to see her.  So there is grief.  Of losing my baby girl.  And being so far away here in Belize.  But I hold on to the things he has done in me and in her in Belize.  And I believe He will continue this amazing work in her...with a little space from her mama;)

Sunday, our worship service was amazing.  We had guests here who just led us into a deep time of worship and many were ministered to at the altars afterward.  After church, we headed to Placencia, a peninsula down south.  Lee's parents are here and just treated us to a wonderful night away.  We are so blessed to have families who pour into us and love us.  It helps us to keep going.  They support us and encourage us.  We are just so blessed!!!

Today is a pivotal day in our family.  The case worker is supposed to go to court and terminate our littlest mom's rights.  It will be a day of grief.  I will dress her in a pretty dress and take her to say goodbye.   I am dreading this day, yet ready for it to come.  Because in the grief, I know Jesus will be there.  And then she can begin to truly bloom.  She needs the certainty of her future.  And right now her future is still unknown.  And that is a hard place for a little girl to be.

The Atmosphere

The atmosphere in our home, at times, is very heavy.   Ministry is heavy.  Foster care is heavy.   Life gets heavy sometimes.

The last week has been tough.  We should have been celebrating six years.   But it was just a heavy week.  

This morning my mom shared my blog from six years ago.  Wow.   It was so crazy for me to read.  The beginnings of our time here.  So new and full of hope.  Not any too bad experiences yet.   We were in the honeymoon days of mission life.   It was so good and healing to read that this morning.

Slowly, the sun shines again.   Slowly, we see that yes, Jesus is still here.   Still has us here.   He is not done with us.  On the contrary, much work to do.  But different work.  A different season.

This week, we began the huge job of planning our trip in May.  Registering for convention, buying plane tickets, renting a vehicle.   All things a little harder because of sketchy internet.   But rewarding as we get things done.

This week, we were given a hint of permanence.   Kaileys adoption homestudy finally scheduled.   Our newest one-- we were finally given permission to begin the process of passports and visas.

The atmosphere has changed.

When I took her for her passport photo, it was all so exciting.  I can't imagine the day we fly to the states.  But there was this hope.   Like her whole face, which is always happy, is more peaceful.  There is grief of a life with us.   It means she will never go home.   Adoption is mixed with grief on both sides.   I grieve that I never got to hold her as a baby or see her start preschool.  I grieve that I couldn't save her from sad things in her life.   But as just she and I ran errands today, I rejoice that Jesus entrusts me to take her the rest of the way.   That now I get to be her mom.   That every day she tells me she loves me and hugs me and tells me she loves living with us.   This is joy.  This restoration of a life.  And this changes the atmosphere in a home.   This is family.   Her skin is darker than mine.   Her hair straighter.   But I'm her mom.   What an honor.