Adopting an Older Child

This journey.  God has once again put us on this journey to adoption.  It is a long road.  It is at times excruciating.  But the rewards are beautiful.

One of the biggest differences between these two adoptions is this...I am Erika's mom.  I am the only mom she knows and she loves me with all that is within her.  Yes, she knows there is a birthmom out there somewhere.  But it is not the subject of much thought for her.  I have an intimate connection with her heart and honestly, it feels as if I carried her in my womb just like Josh and Tori.

But I am not my older daughter's only mom.  I am just one of her moms.  I did not see her grow up, nor did she get to grow up with the way I do things.  Sometimes even just "connecting" can take a small miracle.

But yesterday, we had a connection.  And it was beautiful.  Erika had to go take a nap, Elizabeth was napping and Tori went to visit a friend.  Lee was in his office.  So it was just us.  This rarely happens.  There is a movie she has wanted to watch that the others did not want to.  So I thought, perfect time.  So I told her I was going to drop Tori off and for her to wait for me and we would watch the movie...her favorite movie.  She screamed with excitement and said "you are the best!"  It was such a moving moment for me.  I came home and made us fancy coffees with chocolate and we watched the movie together...and talked about it along the way.  It was a bonding moment, in all its simplicity, that was so perfect.  And I am so thankful.

I don't know what today will hold.  But I do know one thing.  God asked us to do this.  And He does not leave us when He tells us to do something.  So I pray and believe for more special moments.  More moments to become the best mom for her.  More moments for her to trust me and come to me.

Four Years

In one week, we will celebrate moving to Belize four years ago.  February 2, 2011.  The feelings of that first day, those first days, that first month, that first year still ring loudly in my heart.  Moving to Belize has been an experience unlike any other thing I have experienced in my life up until that point.  Yet, now, the longer I live here, it is my new norm.  Belize is now my home.  And the States is where we go to visit every year.   It is weird and I don't know when it changed.  And this creates challenges to my blogging.  Because now everything is familiar.  There is nothing to blog about.

This morning, I could not get enough water pressure to make my shower warm.  So I shivered and shivered and washed my hair as fast as I could in the ice cold water.  And thought of so many people in my own church, in my own oikos, that always take cold showers.

The last two nights I dreamed of my son.  I am sure it is because I miss him.  Or maybe because I need to pray for him.  But I once again was a little sad that I can't just get in the car and go up and visit him next weekend.

But then on the flip side, yesterday while Elizabeth conducted a Children's Ministry meeting, I watched a couple of the kids in my room with my kids.  I looked at Chloe...who is now a beautiful, healthy 3 year old.  But I remember the night she was born way too early and we prayed and prayed for God to protect her life.  And every time I look at her, I believe in miracles.

I look at the beautiful 14 year old girl who God has called us to adopt.  Someone said to me this week...what if God didn't call you?  Where would she be?  Would she have gotten a family who would fight so hard for her...spiritually, emotionally, etc?  It opened my eyes.  Reminded me of my purpose as a mom.

Our family has purpose here.  Yes, I miss my family in the states.  Especially Josh.  But our family is touching many other families, many other lives.

Tori tutors a little girl every week.  Tuesday as I sat at ballet, that mother bragged on Tori and how she works with her daughter.  I watched on Thursday night as Erika played with one of the babies in our NetGroup, allowing her parents to be able to participate.

I look forward to a consistent hot shower, Target shopping, eating out at my favorite restaurants....soon.  But I also see that God still has a purpose for us here.  So I will try not to complain about my freezing cold shower:/

Goodbyes Stink!

We had a wonderful visit with my in-laws and Josh.  I really cannot believe how fast the ten days flew by.  It just felt so good to have my family all under one roof.  It was good to sit across the table and see Josh.  It was good to see Josh torment his sisters with teasing.  It was good to play games as a family.  It was just good.

But today we took them to the airport.  And that was really, really hard for me.  As they got closer to leaving, the lump in my throat grew and grew.  As I gave Josh a hug, he said, "you gonna cry?"  I said, "in the van..."

But then the flood hit.  

One of the very high costs of being on the mission field.  

The goodbyes.

And they stink.

And they get harder instead of easier.

And then people say "two more years for Tori."

I am so grateful how well Josh is doing in school, in his life, on his own.

I am so grateful for our families, who visit him, minister to him, love on him, spoil him.

I am so grateful for his University, that specifically ministers to missionary kids.

But NONE of that takes away how much I miss him.  The moment he left, I felt such a deep hole.  But it will get easier.  Because each day will get busy.  And I will have things to do.  And all of a sudden, I will once again be counting down the days to seeing him again.

And this is just part of our kids growing up.

We have had two new baby boys born this week in the church.  One last Saturday and one today.  And my advice?  Savor every single moment.  Because they go so fast.  And when you are with them, savor the moments as well.

I now know how our parents felt/feel.

At least a little...

I'm Pleased

This morning I had a neat experience with God.  It is a more private thing, yet, I felt I should share on my blog, to encourage others.

We have some new friends, missionaries from Canada.  They have four children and have a heart towards children needing homes.  Over Christmas, they are taking in four beautiful girls, along with their four already.  These girls are available for adoption, but they will just see where the Lord leads.  Like any children who are needing a new home, they have pain in their lives that needs healing.  Two of the girls sat with us (because the oldest girl is Tori's friend).

I can't remember what song we were singing, but it was about the power of the name of Jesus.  I just began to think about these girls and how the Lord may use my friends to bring these girls to Jesus and bring healing.  I began to weep over the amazingness of this family...that they would serve like this, love like this.  I am so proud of them.  Then, as I was wiping away my tears, and thinking about talking to her after church and encouraging her, the Lord whispered in my ear..." I am proud of you, too..."  I looked and both sides of me are two beautiful girls that I did not give birth to, either.  Two girls who needed someone to be their mommy.  And I have just been overwhelmed with love for both of them the past couple of days...  I am sure it is Christmas, but it is also just what the Lord is doing, too.

The other part is that when I was thinking about my friend, and all these extra girls to feed, clothe, buy gifts for, I thought, but God will provide.  He will take care of it.

And when I got home and opened a card that a NetGroup had given us...inside was a gift card to a local store here.  We received gifts like that in the states, but never here.  I felt it was once again God reminding me that He also blesses us.

So, this is just a reminder that sometimes we look at others and see their service...but also must remember that God is pleased right where we are too.  He is pleased with the things we are doing out of obedience.  And He sees the cost.  And He provides a way.

Erika's Party

Friday night we had Erika's Birthday party and IT WAS SO MUCH FUN.  Everything flowed and everything we did, the girls seemed to enjoy...which made this mama happy:)  Erika went to bed with a big smile on her face.

I found these adorable ornaments for the girls to make...what a great take-home gift at Christmas...

We played the "Frozen" soundtrack over and over, but still, it did not snow:(

The "Can you build a Snowman?" Craft was a big hit too...even with Daddy.  Poor guy was surrounded by girls all night...

A couple of her friends couldn't come, which is normal since she is a Christmas baby.  Especially here...a lot of people leave for Christmas.

But we still had a good amount of friends that she knows from church and ballet.

It was a SPA party with a Frozen theme.  The two combined beautifully.  I loved decorating and was so happy to find some things while we were in Mexico, too.  And my sister in law helped by sending face masks, which were a hit.

Tori and Elizabeth made the cutest "Pin the Nose on Olaf".

Yep, they did Daddy's face too...don't worry, we didn't paint his nails...

Tori and Kailey did pedicures for the girls and Elizabeth did Erika's...and she is equal to about five girls...because it is  hard for her to sit still...especially when it is her birthday!

At the end, we did freeze dance, and it was just so much fun.  Eight is a fun age.  And Erika is blessed with such great friends here.  And I am so glad we did an un-slumber party...which means they come in their jammies, but they go home to sleep.  Because I was exhausted on Saturday:/

I especially miss our families when we have birthdays.  I can't really explain it, but always feel like something is missing.  But, now that the girls are older and can help, it seems that God has given me a full family right within my own home:)

And now you are eight...

There once was a mommy who was not finished with her family...she knew there was one more out there...

There once was a precious baby who needed a family...

And thus began the story of our family.

I will always ache a little that I was not there the moment our sweet Erika was born.  I would have willingly sat by her little incubator, fed her, held her, kissed her little head.  But that was not what happened.  Instead...in December 2006, the Lord impressed upon me to pray for this little girl.  I did not know her, know about her, know if it is was even really God...until one day when I looked back through my journals.

We actually did not get to meet Erika until she was about 15 months old.  I will never forget how she toddled over to me, laid her head on my shoulder and let me pick her up.  As if somewhere deep inside of her, she knew that I was the mommy she had been looking for.  I remember when a month later, we finally got to bring her home...and she was immediately at home.  There was no adjusting to a new house, simply contentment.

A week after Erika came to live with us, we went to Disney World.  A trip that had been planned for over a year, as Lee was performing a wedding in Florida.  It was a dream vacation for me for sure.  I remember as we entered Disney World...my three precious children...Josh, 12, Tori, 9 and Erika 16 months...I was overwhelmed and began to cry.  God had answered my deepest prayer.

Now, here we are in Belize, Central America.   Erika had just turned four when we moved here.  So she has now almost lived half her life in the US and half her life in Belize.  It is hard to believe.  When I think back to how little she was when we came.  How much has happened in those years.  So many changes in our lives, our family, our home...

And who misses her big brother most of all (after his mom)????

Happy Birthday to a little girl with big attitude who will change the world for Jesus some day!!!!

Mommy can't imagine her life without you:)

Grandparents

Visits from the grandparents are the best.

Its been a couple weeks now since my mom and dad came and left.  But it has been non-stop busy.

What I love most about my parents visit is the time they spent with the girls.  Time that my girls needed.  Just to be loved on.  It was the first time they met Kailey and there was such a strong connection almost immediately.  I love how God did that for her and them.

We took them a couple of places, but mostly hung out at home.  My parents even had some oppurtunities to minister at LifeNet.  My mom led a Women's breakfast, which the women have all shared how blessed they were.  My dad led a NetGroup (the one I go to).  Also, they were just available as little things came up here and there.  Oh, also my mom did some teaching at the new Pregnancy Help Center...a ministry close to her heart.

ZOO

IQUANAS

It was unusually warm when my parents were here.  That part was hard.  And on the Sunday they were here, we had the Community of Cultures, a very exciting Sunday for them to experience...but no electricity all day long!!!!  So they definitely got a taste of life in Belize.

I was so thankful that they came.  It seemed to go so fast.  But was a refreshing visit in the midst of regular life.