Waiting

I'm up early.   The house is super quiet.   Soon I will wake Erika and begin the long process of showering her and redressing her fingers.  It's the most un-fun part of our day and a reminder of why we are still here...waiting.  

I have a hard time sleeping.  I'm not sure why.  The bed is comfy.  The AC is nice.  I miss my hubby though.   I know it is also I am just anxious for home.  At home, I wake up and begin my day busy and stay busy and sweat a lot, so when evening comes, I'm exhausted and ready to sleep.  

This is more a time of rest for me.  I have cooked little.  Have very few chores.  The houses stay so clean in America.  I'm doing laundry for 2 instead of 7.  And we only use one outfit a day instead of changing because of being hot.  Erika and I take walks each evening. I love them.  We just talk and talk.  And then when we are so hot, we come inside to air conditioning. Ahhhh.  It's nice.  

I remember when I had my surgery in December, having many of the same feelings.  I love being here.  Love being with family and friends.  But this is not my home anymore.  I'm just a guest.  This is not my house.  I am borrowing cars, not my own.  I have one son and daughter here, but a husband and other daughters there.  So my heart is torn.  And I long to be in my own home again.  

This morning, a family is taking us to breakfast.  Erika is very social so these things are so good for her heart.  This afternoon, we will run some errands with Josh.  We have been so overwhelmed with love here.  People from all different churches feeding us, helping us financially, visiting us...just being Jesus' hands and feet.  Erika even received a care package from Josh's church in Waxahachie, complete with a blown up framed picture of when she was there in May. 

Please continue to pray for supernaturally quick healing of Erikas fingers.   Our prayer is that the doctor would remove the stitches on Monday and then we could fly home.  I am a little nervous taking her home...but also am so ready.  We have felt every prayer and are so thankful.  

Feeling Loved

Ten days ago, our lives were thrown a loop and into a spinning whirlwind.   I feel like this is the first time I can sit and share my thoughts.

Mondays are always super busy for me.   It's when I run my errands, do lots of laundry and just try to get things in order around the house.   Tori and I had woke up at 5:45 to walk the ring road and my day was non-stop after that.  In retrospect, I'm glad that Monday before I knew that I would be leaving was so productive.  It probably helped my family that I left behind...I had gotten the car inspected that morning while the girls were at cooking class and ran to a couple of stores and market. We went home and had a quick lunch.   Then the girls headed to art camp for the afternoon.   I had asked Kailey to go and sent her with a phone.   A simple decision that I'm so thankful for.

Tori and I spent the afternoon working on school supply gifts.  Something I always do before school starts each year.   I had just put everything up and covered with a towel on my desk and sat down to watch a movie with Tori.  Lee ran out of the room and said to "come on."  Kailey had called and Erika was hurt really bad.  It's amazing how fast things can change.   We were there in prob three minutes but it felt like eternity.   I'm glad Lee was driving.  They met us in the parking lot with Erika who was crying and holding a paper towel.   I looked as we raced to the backseat and saw mangled fingers and lots of blood.  It's so hard to be strong in that moment.  My baby.   Lee raced to the ER.  Probably another three minutes.   He dropped us at the ER and they had us in a bed immediately.  I couldn't breathe.  Just pray.   Pray like I've never prayed before.   I didn't care if I offended anyone.   I wanted God to guide these doctors.   It was painful.  They gave her a shot in her bottom.   But also in each tiny little finger.  Four of my baby's fingers.  Two were crushed and two were amputated above the knuckle.  Within moments, Lee and I knew I would need to bring her to the states.  I couldn't think or plan.  Only live in that moment.   Hold Erika.   Pray over her.  Trust God.

Looking back, the doctors and nurses in the ER were great.   They treated her quickly and calmly.  When we go back to Belize, Erika and I will go visit them and thank them.

My head swirled.   Throwing things in a suitcase.  How long would we be gone?    How would we handle it in the states?   I knew I'd have a support system when I got here.  But did not know exactly what the details would be.  Even now, I am truly living one day at a time.  That's about all I can handle.

That first night, we had four sets of visitors come to see Erika.  And you know what, she smiled through it all.

 The next morning, Lee and Tori took her back to the hospital to redress her wounds.  This poor girl has now had her wounds redressed so many times, we have lost count.   I am now the one doing it on a daily basis.  And it breaks my heart every single time.  Then the long ride to the airport.   She left the house in Belize at 6 am on Tuesday morning and we arrived at the ER in Katy about 6 pm that night.   With little snacky type meals along the way, but no real full meals.

Both sets of grandparents and Josh met us at the ER.  I was blessed to have a friend get us there from the airport.  I was tense, tired, and not liking having to wait.   I felt they weren't taking her injuries seriously:(.  But then, things finally got moving.  We started blood work and they got her a room.  Hooked her up to an IV.   But it was getting late.  And things still were slow.   Why weren't they helping my daughter??  I told our parents to go home.   That I would let them know.  Then they said they were sending us home.  Would give us somewhere to go tomorrow.   Mama got mad then.  I came to the states for help.  I did not want to take her home.   With these wounds.   Further risking exposure.  I sent out prayer requests and then a miracle happened.   A hand surgeon would come see her.  First thing.  In the hospital.   They would admit her.   Aaaahhhhh.  Relief.   I sent Josh home.  And about 1 in the morning, we were admitted to a room three doors down from where I was in December.   The nurse went and found food and juice and water for Erika and me.   We ate and I changed.   I was thankful I had packed my backpack to spend the night.  And then we slept.   Which is good because I did not sleep the night before.   I may have only slept 3 or 4 hours but it definitely helped me for the next day.   Wednesday.   My third very long day in a row.



This is where we really began to feel the love.   Someone set up a go fund me, people began to call and visit.   Meals were set up for our going home.  And best of all, the surgeon came.  A hand surgeon.   Who was confident he could help Erika.   The surgery was set for 5 pm and honestly the day flew by.  Someone brought me a chip so I'd have a flown.  Grandparents, Josh and Tyler came and visited.   Erika took over my facebook talking to people from everywhere.

That night, about midnight, we went home with my parents and I finally slept.  Erika slept too.  Actually a lot during all these days.  People began to bring meals daily.  Visits were often and so uplifting to Erika and me.  And even my parents.   We felt so overwhelmed with love.  The living room began to fill with flowers, balloons, candy, stuffed animals and even a cookie bouquet.  My heart was so overwhelmed.   After some of the hardest days I can remember in a long time, Gods people just wrapped their arms around us and loved us and prayed for us.

I think writing this blog was mostly for me.   To remember this time.   That even though it was a hard time, that God was always with us.  And that we have a family who loves us and takes care of us and friends who are truly there.

Pray for my family left behind in Belize.   Struggling with cooking and laundry and all the mom things I do...and homeschooling needing to start soon.  Please also pray for supernatural healing of Erika's fingers so we can go home soon.   I miss my husband and other girls.

Willing

There is excitement in the house.   Once again, we are opening our hearts and home to foster.   We will have her for the summer.   She is exactly 3 days younger than Erika.   Erika and I have cleaned and prepared her room for the past two days.  That is some sweaty work.  We ordered trundle beds from the Mennonites and should get them next week.  We have cleaned the closet and drawers so they can share.  We have dusted, straightened, mopped.   The room is almost ready.  

Each time, the Lord has brought a child into our lives, it has been very different.  This time, it has been the still small voice of the Holy Spirit whispering her name into our ears...daily.  It has been little things the girls have said.  About wanting another sibling.   It has been this little girl running up to us at church with the brightest smile you will ever see.   But it has most definitely been the Lord.  Even the song..."When Jesus says yes, nobody can say no..."

Adding another person to this already very full home is not something we take lightly.   But being obedient to the Lord is also more important than our comfort.   And there's always a little more stretch.   There's always a little extra we can give.   To change a person's life.  The girls are excited and willing to open their hearts and lives.   So it's a blessing to have everyone on board.  

Sometimes we forget our dreams as we grow up.   As I was spending time with the Lord, He reminded me that my best friend and I used to drive past the mansions in town and say when we grew up, we would take in lots of children who needed homes.   I don't have a mansion.   But I do have an amazing family.   And I'm excited to get to touch one more life.   

Please pray for our journey.  Pray for favor for us to get our citizenship soon.   And pray for this precious girl...that she would walk into our home and know just how loved she already is.  

I am preparing you for new things...

Last fall, when I had to make the decision to go to Texas for surgery...one of the things I felt the Lord kept telling me was to take care of myself.  At the time, that felt selfish.  My job is take care of my children, my husband, my church family.  But I kept feeling Him tell me it was okay.  Go home.  Rest.  Get well.  Get strong.   And I did.

When I first got to my parents' house, I slept A LOT.  I was weak physically.  I was so tired.  Looking back, I really do not know how I was doing it here in Belize at the end.  Well, yes I do.  I was barely making it.  I was taking 3 hour naps every afternoon.  It was such a crazy time for me.  We watched the VLOG today and Tori put on the trip we took to Chetumal in October.  I am thankful for that trip, but it was a hard trip for me.  I was in pain, uncomfortable.  Taking Advil like crazy just to cope.  But I am also thankful we had that time as a family before I left for 6 weeks.

Fast forward to my recovery after the surgery.  I followed the Doctor's orders to a T.  I knew I needed to fully heal.  Even during the time at my parents' home, I felt the Lord telling me He was doing a new work in me.  He was preparing me for new things.  That when I came back, I would not be the same, and that my life would be changing in some ways.

Here are the things that I have seen change so far...I am not afraid.  I am stepping out of my comfort zone.  I am not doing things I want to do just because it is expected.  I am listening and hearing God's voice more clearly than I ever have before. 

 My marriage is stronger, happier, more full of Joy than it has ever been.  This is not to say our marriage was bad.  It is just AMAZING now.  I so deeply appreciate Lee.  I am so honored by the way I watch him serve.  I love to hear him preach.  I love seeing how he fathers our children.  And we are just on the same page.  Our communication has gotten so much deeper.  I'm praying it only continues to get better.

I have spoken twice at the church.  But it is not just that.  It is that before, I have always felt so insecure.  And I just have really seen a change in myself.  I have confidence that if God tells me to do something, He will see it through.  He will be with me as I speak.  He will be with me as I minister.  I just have stopped second guessing everything and really started to trust God in such a deep, deep way.

Last Thursday was a crazy busy day for me (after a crazy busy Wednesday).  It was a day mixed with so many different emotions.  A lady that I met through Hope for Life finally had her baby early Wednesday morning.  She had a beautiful, healthy baby boy.  So I told her on Wednesday that I would take her home on Thursday.  It broke my heart because she was in the hospital alone.  Her husband was away trying to make some money for the family.  Her sister was watching the other three children at home.

It was crazy, me getting food ready for her...making sure everything was warm, because she would have no way to warm it at her house.  The older girls were babysitting, so Erika helped me at the hospital.  So different than the states in so many ways.  The ride home was hard on her, but she was grateful.  The roads are bumpy.  Each one she felt.  We got her home and the children were so happy to meet their new brother, see their mother.  So much love and Erika and I got to be a part of it.  We went inside and the kids told her the fridge broke while she was gone.  The electricity did not seem to be working either...and she was so hot.  I was dripping sweat like crazy myself.  I got her settled in a chair so her daughter and I could get the bed ready with a clean sheet.  The boy got the fan working.  YAY...  I came out and what do I see but Erika sitting in a little plastic chair grinning ear to ear as she gently held a two day old baby.  I asked her permission to take a picture.  Because I never want to forget this day.  I want to remember on the bad days why I'm here.   I am here to be Jesus' hands and feet when noone else is.  You see, this happens because I live here.  It has taken time, but this family loves us and trusts us.  Even in the most intimate of moments.  I have cried with this woman.  We come from two very different worlds, but yet the Lord has give me this deep, deep love for her.

Once we got her changed and settled in her bed.  After I gave clear instructions to the oldest girl (especially about mommy's need to rest).  After praying, hugging, loving on this family....we got to experience one tiny, but significant miracle.

As I saw her struggle in pain, I worried what would she do all alone...with four children, trying to recover from birth.  I prayed, "Lord, please let her husband come home".  The mother began to cry and said, "I just wish my husband was here"...and within a minute, the houseowner walked in with the phone and said "its your husband".  She began to weep as he told her he was on his way...God answers...

Their journey is not over.  This morning her husband had a pretty big seizure.  We picked him up from the hospital and took him home.  We saw the baby.  This family attends LifeNet.  We are helping where we can.  But sometimes problems are big and are many.  We do what we can, and pray a lot.

Sometimes my heart gets overwhelmed.  But I find that when I do things in my own strength I can't do it.  But I find when I truly rely on God, He gives me a strength and wisdom that I do not have on my own.

Sometimes He asks things that feel "hard"  or too much....but I'm learning that there is always a little more to give.  There is always a little more we can do.  But there is always a lot more My God can do!

Sifting

I felt led once again to start reading John Bevere's, "The Bait of Satan."    You know how it goes...you start reading and start thinking of all the people in your life who need to read this book.   But I told Lee I really want to hear what God is saying to Me, not others.  And then it all started to come clear.  

I was reminded of some of the trials we have walked through in the past several years.  And realizing how God has been sifting us.  One situation in particular where no man could help us or protect us.   We came to a point where our total reliance was truly on God.  He literally held our very lives in His hands.   And when I think back to that time...when we truly turned to each other and said all we have is God...it was enough.   That sifting.  Shaking of our faith made our faith so strong.  Our trust in Him grew so much deeper.  When we came to the point of realizing that if God wants us to do something, He will also protect us in that thing.   

Recently, after leaving to go to the states for surgery, may have seemed like an easy thing to others.   But to me, it was hard.  It was challenging not to physically have my husband by pmy side through most of it.  It was challenging and heartbreaking to walk away from my three girls and husband at the airport.  What must the workers have thought checking me through security as tears dripped down my face?  But during that time, God did some new things in me.  He showed me things.  While my parents cared for me, it was the longest period I have had with them since I married.  It was also the most uninterrupted time I had with the Lord since, well, ever.   God sifted me.  He spoke to me.  Since then, I have spoken twice before our congregation.  Only those who truly know me understand what God has done in me for this to happen.  

God expects obedience.  Obedience is not always easy.  In fact, sometimes it will take all you've got.   It will cost you more than you think you can afford.   But the reward of your obedience is great.  God speaks to us and uses others, His word, circumstances to confirm.   Sometimes it's easy and clear.  Sometimes it's His still small voice.  

What sifting is God doing in you right now?

We are so Blessed

Yesterday, we ate our last Chick fil a for a year.  Enjoyed the last of living in AC for a while (except for our church services on Sunday morning).  We said goodbye again.  To our "other" life.

Last night, we were greeted to high heat and humidity.  I was greeted to a dead tarantula on my bedroom floor.  Fun.  But I also came home.  I enjoyed so much being in my own house last night.  Sleeping in my own bed.  Today, I enjoyed getting my kitchen back in order.  Cooking that first meal.

We had no food in the house, so Kailey and I got up early and hit the Veggie Market, Grocery Store and Poultry Store.  And we were hot and tired as we unloaded and put things away.  But one thing that struck me is that she and I were thankful that we were able to buy groceries.  I thought of the people who support us, help us live here.  Wayne and Jodie for hosting our big family for the past month.  For everyone who fed us while we were in Texas.  We are so greatly blessed.  And as I drove around the streets of this very different world, I realized how blessed we are that we got to have a month enjoying Texas.  And how blessed we are that we can buy groceries...as simple as that is.

Belmopan is small, so we ran into and saw different people as we ran our errands this morning.  I am excited to return to my Net Group tonight.  God has us here and He shows us in the little ways.

We are so blessed...

Coming to Texas

Sometimes it can be hard to hear from God during this time we have in the states.   Usually we go to Convention.   I definitely feel a loss in my spirit in missing it this year.  Just because we are usually receiving ministry that our family definitely needs during this time we are home.  In the busyness of going place to place, endless to-do lists, and just being off schedule in every way, I have to really purpose in my heart to seek after Him.  

But where I have felt God is through the love of churches and fellow pastors who have welcomed us.  Loved us.  Just talked to us.  Also from our families.   We are so incredibly blessed to have family who love the Lord.   They miss us just like we miss them, but they also see that God sent us to Belize.   My brother and sister in law have thoroughly spoiled us.  My two eldest kids shared with me separately that they never feel like a burden.  That they always feel loved.  That blessed me.  

I sit on the edge of returning to Belize.  I'm anxious to get home, but don't want to leave.  It's always such a division in my heart.  It's hard to live in two worlds.  I haven't been here long enough.  Had enough time with people here.  Yet, I've been gone too long from people I love in Belize.  

Life here in the states is easier in so many ways.   Yet, in the midst of relaxing, we are always busy fundraising so it is not always a true rest.  And everything is off schedule and different.   That is hard for me as I'm a real scheduled person.  I think it's hardest on Erika too.  

So I feel ready to get home, sleep in my own bed, not have allergies, cook my own food...yet, I dread the weighing of the suitcases, the heat that awaits us, the bumpy roads...

I've heard it said before, but a missionary never feels truly at home again.  Home is not totally home ever again, because mission life changes you.  It's hard for me to spend money in some ways when I know so many who go without.  When I know how far that it could go somewhere else.   Yet, sometimes it's nice to get some new clothes, makeup, a purse.  

It definitely has been a month of refreshing, enjoying cooler weather, missed foods, catching up with family.   Lord, prepare my heart as we head home to get busy...continuing to pour into others, continuing to raise up spiritual sons and daughters.   

We have enjoyed being with our son.  His heart is good.  Today, Erika hit her head coming down the slide and he quickly was next to her, checking on her.  He teases his sisters, but that's his way of showing them he loves them.  We are proud of him being independent, responsible.   It's probably not easy for him to have parents so far away.  We are thankful for family that checks in on him and cares for him.   

We have one more Sunday that is full, a waterpark on Monday, then final preparation before heading home.   I'm ready, but torn.  

We have listened to the song, "Take me to Texas", several times on this trip.   We know the Lord has us in Belize but this song brings tears to my eyes because my heart is also in Texas.   So many people I love are here too.   Yet, I also love so many people in Belize.   This is what happens when you serve away from your home❤️